Local Girl to Bail out Citigroup
Wellington Leg: City officials were delighted to learn that the towne may be involved in a multi-billion dollar bailout of Citigroup and other money center banks as a result of the credit crunch. Eugenia Phaeton, Wellington Leg’s youngest hedge fund manager, has been contacted by Treasury and Federal Reserve officials hoping to explore all options. Eugenia’s Big Scary Things hedge fund now dominates the world market for SIVs, Structured Investment Vehicles. Citigroup, according to an unnamed Russian ballerina, may owe Eugenia the equivalent of seven billion dollars.
“Citi’s fundamental error was to use Gummy Bears as collateral,” Eugenia remarked shortly before Quiet Time. “I have more Gummy Bears than they do,” she added. What Citigroup executives failed to realize about the gooey bears is the “melt factor.” Even Al Gore was taken aback when he learned that the biggest pile of Gummy Bears in North America is beginning to melt. Heavy rains in Minnesota and rioting in Africa exacerbated the problem.
Still it remains to be seen whether an infusion of Collateralized Sticky Things can ease conditions in the commercial paper market. The Forty Third Earl, Eugenia’s top adviser, is thought to favor shooting the collateral from the deck guns of HMS Pinafore if and when the mighty ship visits the Leg.
Meanwhile a gift basket has been sent to Citigroup’s New York headquarters: some speculate that Eugenia may buy Citigroup outright although her mother has already warned that until her homework is done “Eugenia won’t be buying anything.” Stanley Morgan reporting for Wellington Leg Financial Media.