David Thayer

Wellington Leg: The towne’s fire brigade responded to a flaming yule log at the studios of WLTV not far from the historic rotunda. A welder assigned to reassembling Hizzoner may have sparked the blaze when he leapt through a chimney while attempting to demonstrate a possible exit strategy for Jolly Saint Nick. You may recall that two seasons ago the forty third earl spent the entire month of January stuck in his chimney before his super weight loss regimen kicked in.

With writers on strike WLTV has rolled out a series of reality programs this holiday season. The Yule Log program depicts an actual log lying in a hearth; sometimes a downdraft will stir the ashes ala Kirk Russell in the fireman movie.

With the earl reprising his Santa Claus role WLTV plans to film his arrival from the North Side shortly before midnight. Viewers are reminded that there is a slight chance the infuriated prehistoric monster Godzilla will arrive with Santa. A word to the wise.

Eddie’s Book Nook is closed tomorrow but will reopen at some point in the very near future, sources say. If anyone knows who defaced the cardboard likeness of Dame Pamela Anderson please contact the Flying Squad at Police Headquarters. Remember calls to the switchboard may be monitored because we’re very bored and some of your calls are very silly. It’s not like we plan to listen in, but we’re not really sure what difference it makes whether Dame Pamela is wearing a Santa hat, given Prehistoric G’s imminent arrival.

This public service message will self-destruct if enough of you would like it to. YFS, DCI Borchardt, Wellington Leg Flying Squad.

Wellington Leg: Under a new program outlined by the Dowager Princess local bankers will be frozen until the credit markets come back into line. The Princess is aware that many peasants and subjects face mortgage resets over the next few years; some have stopped betting on NFL games. Business at Her Own Betting Parlours is down twenty percent since the crisis began.

A Question of Methodology: Banker Mannequin will be used to simulate the freezing process before any attempt is made on a living subject. A substance, very probably the Earl’s Magic Elixir, is poured over the mannequin which is then set outdoors. The combination of the elixir, which retails for twelve dollars per bottle, and chilly weather is expected to do the trick. A dash of oregano may be added.

The freeze program is expected to forestall the local Piggy Bank from foreclosing on City Hall and the Historic Rotunda, the statue of Venus in Blue Jeans and other “objets d’ art.” The Piggy Bank owns the first twelve mortgages on towne property and recently announced that they intend to “wipe Wellington Leg off the map.”

Residents are asked not to touch the mannequin or interact with it while the freezing process is underway. To that end a velvet rope has been established surrounding the mannequin. Towne officials say that it’s okay to touch the rope but they urge everyone to refrain from vaulting the three foot barrier for liability purposes.

With temperatures in the forties some fear the freeze will be “too little, too late.” A Piggy Bank official declined to comment for this article but did pour a glass of the earl’s elixir into a Mason jar. As of this writing no evidence of freezing can be reported even though I went to see MOTHRA at the multiplex.

Once the bankers are frozen the crisis will pass according to unnamed sources at the Piltdown Exchange.

Geraldo reporting.

Wellington Leg: The Space Agency, once a disreputable literary agency feeding off reading fees, has launched Wellington Leg’s first satellite, the Lou Reed Orbiter. The satellite contains miniaturized minutes of Towne Council Meetings intended to show an alien culture how tedious life on earth can be. “Invaders will listen to the endless droning of our council members and decide against invading earth.”

The orbiter comes equipped with an extension chord designed by the forty third earl whose prose is also a deterrent to alien invasion, critics note. The extension chord enables our Wellonauts to hang holiday lights from the orbiter; the lights add a bit of cheer and serve as navigational aids for wandering interstellar vehicles. “We don’t want aliens to invade the earth only to discover they thought they were somewhere else, and think, well, since we’re here, let’s take over. Let’s find Max’s Kansas City.”

The platform was free launched into geosynchronous orbit by Marvelous Marv Oxenhutte, the strongest man in Wellington Leg. Mr. Oxenhutte threw the extension chord a minutes after launch and “hit the bullseye” winning VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA as a door prize as well a recording of Hizzoner singing SWEET JANE during last year’s Roman Invasion. The subsequent throwing of a Barcalounger by Mr. Oxenhutte resulted in his arrest.

” It’s high time we entered the space race,” said a spokesman for the Tower. Science editor Hannibal Barca reporting.