Jane Austen to Visit the Leg
Wellington Leg: the Sixth Ultimo: in a coup for book store owner Eddie Parker, famed British novelist Jane Austen will visit his store later this month. According to Under Assistant West Coast promo man Niles of Battershore Ms. Austen will be accommodated at the Hotel Faz despite the recent roof removal work performed by Graf Gerd of Konstanz, an unlicensed contractor.
Can Hizzoner Pull it Together? After his display of “molecular disassociation” in the historic Rotunda pundits wonder whether Hizzoner will be on hand to greet Ms. Austen at Puffingham Station. Some of the king’s horses and several of the king’s men are assigned the daunting task of reassembling His Lordship prior to the historic visit.
To expedite matters the Towne Council has enlisted the aid of a five year old chimpanzee named Con. “Con outdueled the other candidates in short term memory tests,” noted Professor Emeritus Vito Corleone. “He was the only contestant who placed Hizzoner’s head upon his shoulders,” Vito added. “This is considered essential to the greeting ceremony planned for Ms. Austen.”
In preparation for the great day the marching band is perfecting its rendition of “Houses of the Holy” in the hopes of making the author feel at home. “We know she digs Zeppelin,” a spokesman said.
It is not clear if Con the Chimpanzee is a full time employee of the Towne or simply a contractor. Con spent his first official day at work reading the earl’s masterpiece VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA. When finished with the book Con vaulted a laurel hedge and sped off in a hybrid car on loan from Ueberagent Lydia Careerbreaker. An unknown quantity of query letters may be lost if the hybrid cannot be located.
Con was issued a driving license, according to police sources. The only restriction pertains to cell phone use while driving; Con enjoys eating cell phones and is considered a hazard to navigation.
“Hopefully we’ll have Hizzoner back together in time for Ms. Austen’s arrival,” DCI Borchardt said. The ban on fuzzy coats is now lifted, he added, although anyone impersonating a sheep or sheep will be fined.
Book editor Moira Breckenridge reporting.