Earl Tapped for Santa Slot
Wellington Leg: In a close vote the forty third earl will serve as Towne’s Santa this year despite his svelte new look. After gaining sixty pounds for the role last year, the earl slimmed down over the summer during the war with the European Union. Readers may recall how he saved Wellington Leg from French invaders while snoozing in a jury rigged hammock. Rodrick of Ur finished second in the voting marking the first time that an alien from outer space has run for office in the Leg.
Among the perks Santa receives is a Lamborghini coupe. “We wondered if Rodrick would be able to operate the car,” admitted Santa voter Catherine of Aragon. “He looks like a giant squid.”
Squid or squid-like? With nine tentacles and a fake drivers license Rodrick of Ur has difficulty driving his late Sixties Camaro. “I have to slither in through the trunk and squirm around for a while,” Rodrick says. A Passenger accompanies Rodrick pouring refreshments through his eleven ears as he drives. His cellular telephone is adapted for speaker phone use although he admits that “the noise drives him crazy.”
DCI Borchardt finished a distant third in the voting. “The Santa poll has become a popularity contest,” he said before leaving the scene in an armored huff.
Charges of ballot stuffing will be ignored. Vlad Putin reporting.