David Thayer

Wellington Leg: Under a new program outlined by the Dowager Princess local bankers will be frozen until the credit markets come back into line. The Princess is aware that many peasants and subjects face mortgage resets over the next few years; some have stopped betting on NFL games. Business at Her Own Betting Parlours is down twenty percent since the crisis began.

A Question of Methodology: Banker Mannequin will be used to simulate the freezing process before any attempt is made on a living subject. A substance, very probably the Earl’s Magic Elixir, is poured over the mannequin which is then set outdoors. The combination of the elixir, which retails for twelve dollars per bottle, and chilly weather is expected to do the trick. A dash of oregano may be added.

The freeze program is expected to forestall the local Piggy Bank from foreclosing on City Hall and the Historic Rotunda, the statue of Venus in Blue Jeans and other “objets d’ art.” The Piggy Bank owns the first twelve mortgages on towne property and recently announced that they intend to “wipe Wellington Leg off the map.”

Residents are asked not to touch the mannequin or interact with it while the freezing process is underway. To that end a velvet rope has been established surrounding the mannequin. Towne officials say that it’s okay to touch the rope but they urge everyone to refrain from vaulting the three foot barrier for liability purposes.

With temperatures in the forties some fear the freeze will be “too little, too late.” A Piggy Bank official declined to comment for this article but did pour a glass of the earl’s elixir into a Mason jar. As of this writing no evidence of freezing can be reported even though I went to see MOTHRA at the multiplex.

Once the bankers are frozen the crisis will pass according to unnamed sources at the Piltdown Exchange.

Geraldo reporting.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 20th, 2007 at 9:08 am and is filed under Gripping Melodrama. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.