David Thayer

Wellington Leg: Legians were shocked by the news that the Fighting Gastropods have dealt their ace pitcher to the Baltimore Orioles. The Duchess is going to Baltimore in exchange for three prospects: Byron, Shelley, and Goethe. “We needed more Romantics, especially in the bullpen,” said interim manager William Blake. “The Duchess relies on a Modernist sensibility with her two seam cutter and Bugs Bunny changeup.”

Literary Conspiracy? “I suspect that the Dowager Princess is behind this move,” wrote Mandy Rice-Davies, Sports Editor. “The Gastropods are all about DeLillo, Barthelme, Barth. This trade is a radical shift. It began last year when the Earl was dropped from the active roster.”

The New Year’s Eve shocker won’t affect Wellington Leg’s annual Midnight with Hizzoner Extravaganza. Legians young and old will gather near the Historic Rotunda for the ceremonial Year in Review: this year’s Special Guest is Leo Tolstoy. Regular readers will recall the ill-fated “guest blogger” incident in which Leo’s beard caught fire. An alert but bitter intern doused the flames with Dr. Pepper. Still, many feel that ONE MORE BITE OF THE APPLE lost its cachet as literary source for Googlebots on that fateful day.

Some Assembly Required: DCI Borchardt and the Flying Squad remind Legians that the one way system on downtown streets will reverse after midnight. This is to avoid congestion. Last year the Romans deployed thousands of ox-carts on New Year’s Eve as their troops searched for the mythical “Dick Clark.”

Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe is planning a farewell bash for the Duchess. “I think we’ll book the ballroom at the Faz,” she said. “This is a dreadful way to ring in the new year,” she added. The Ballroom at the Hotel Faz is haunted by the ghosts of French drama critics made redundant by the Louisiana Purchase.

The Duchess is expected to be a front line starter for the Orioles if she avoids scandal. Many believe she will be mentioned by author Jose Canseco in his upcoming sequel. “She’s sixty seven years old,” noted one scout. “She’s hitting 95 on the gun. You do the math.”

Mandy Rice Davies reporting.

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