David Thayer

Wellington Leg: January Magazine will run its year end crime fiction feature wherein various contributing editors offer five mini reviews for the year end round up. Your reporter is among the contributors but the advantage of numbers is obvious in this case: more thoughts about more books broadens the horizon far beyond my limited view. Entire publishing programs escape my notice but I have a sense of what’s happening on on the crime writing front.

2007 came and went without much distinction from 2006; the pressure on the genre comes from within as the ranks expand to include novels from many other sub-genres. Like a mad stock boy marketing types want their releases on Aisle Nine: Crime. We’re turning into Whole Foods when crime fiction is suited to the unadorned aisles of Soviet Food Store Number Four where shoppers bring their desperation with them and ambiance is just the French word for cured concrete.

This gentrification process started long ago and it is not a terrible thing. There are now rules for the genre, so many rules that any sort of instant replay would consume hours. That’s okay if authors break those rules but it’s tough to misbehave and be rewarded.

Our genre is broader than ever but flatter too, more gently reassuring than mind expanding. The high point of 2007? David Peace’s TOKYO YEAR ZERO. The low? Chelsea Cain’s HEARTSICK, a novel that most resembles a sleek new product rolling off a spotless assembly line.

The truth is some percentage of books published in a given year are completely forgettable. Publishing cycles last far longer than twelve months, given the lead time required to produce a book. That’s why 2007 is submerged by trends that emerged a few years ago. If you remember the motion picture PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE alien invaders tried to resurrect the dead in order to slaughter the living but forgot that zombies, whatever their good qualities, are really hard to govern. The newly dead consumed the newly arrived, the alien invaders themselves, whose commander resembled Rudy Giuliani in a Nehru jacket.

In analyzing crime fiction I have to ask: where have all the zombies gone?

Wellington Leg: the Sixth Ultimo: in a coup for book store owner Eddie Parker, famed British novelist Jane Austen will visit his store later this month. According to Under Assistant West Coast promo man Niles of Battershore Ms. Austen will be accommodated at the Hotel Faz despite the recent roof removal work performed by Graf Gerd of Konstanz, an unlicensed contractor.

Can Hizzoner Pull it Together? After his display of “molecular disassociation” in the historic Rotunda pundits wonder whether Hizzoner will be on hand to greet Ms. Austen at Puffingham Station. Some of the king’s horses and several of the king’s men are assigned the daunting task of reassembling His Lordship prior to the historic visit.

To expedite matters the Towne Council has enlisted the aid of a five year old chimpanzee named Con. “Con outdueled the other candidates in short term memory tests,” noted Professor Emeritus Vito Corleone. “He was the only contestant who placed Hizzoner’s head upon his shoulders,” Vito added. “This is considered essential to the greeting ceremony planned for Ms. Austen.”

In preparation for the great day the marching band is perfecting its rendition of “Houses of the Holy” in the hopes of making the author feel at home. “We know she digs Zeppelin,” a spokesman said.

It is not clear if Con the Chimpanzee is a full time employee of the Towne or simply a contractor. Con spent his first official day at work reading the earl’s masterpiece VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA. When finished with the book Con vaulted a laurel hedge and sped off in a hybrid car on loan from Ueberagent Lydia Careerbreaker. An unknown quantity of query letters may be lost if the hybrid cannot be located.

Con was issued a driving license, according to police sources. The only restriction pertains to cell phone use while driving; Con enjoys eating cell phones and is considered a hazard to navigation.

“Hopefully we’ll have Hizzoner back together in time for Ms. Austen’s arrival,” DCI Borchardt said. The ban on fuzzy coats is now lifted, he added, although anyone impersonating a sheep or sheep will be fined.

Book editor Moira Breckenridge reporting.

Wellington Leg: the towne is suspending hot air balloon rides after a consortium of banks seized all the hot air in the Leg, sources confide. Officials from the Office of the Exchequer were up in the air after rejecting fulminating pot boilers as collateral against Wellington Leg’s ballooning debt. Many of the works submitted to the Finance Committee were regarded as turgid; several were stained with turnip juice and at least one manuscript was written in Latin. “I suspect that some of the Roman soldiers got into the act,” Said Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe. Both the Vecisima Claudia and Decima Fulminata are in winter quarters near Costco on the River Wa.

Under Assistant West Coast Promo man Achille of Narn warned that Wellington Leg may face foreclosure after the rejection letters are formalized and sealed with a kiss. A new flurry of new work from the forty third earl is probably too little too late, Achille asserts.

In a related matter Eugenia Phaeton, seven year old hedge fund manager, will not be taking the top job at Citigroup. Her fund, Big Scary Things, now has a significant interest in Merrill Lynch, Lloyds Bank and our own WL S&L.  Eugenia and her classmates are on a field trip near Gastropod Alley where they plan to study the bylaws of the Mystery Writers of America. Eugenia’s sixty percent stake in local publisher Wellington Leg Premier may exclude her work from consideration for an Edgar award. Concetta Comedia della Arta reporting.

<p> Wellington Leg: The towne council launched an anti-reading campaign today, banning numerous books and promoting television viewing despite the ongoing writers strike. Things got off to a fast start when, in a scene reminiscent of DUNE, Hizzoner floated to the ceiling of the Historic Rotunda before exploding. “Wow, that was cool,” said seven year old Wilson Pickett. “I’m never reading another book.”

The campaign’s official title is “Watch More, Read Less” although a printing glitch rendered the slogan as “I Know You Are, but What am I?” sending towne officials scurrying to Kinkos.

Wellington Leg Cablevision is a sponsor of the initiative. “We have a host of new reality shows for prime time,” said a spokesperson. “The Colony” looks promising. “The Colony” is filmed on an anthill where ants go about their business despite the intruding cameras and boom mikes. Eventually one of the ants leads of a warrior column toward a coveted albeit discarded peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Among the works banned this afternoon are the Compleat Works of the Forty Third Earl. The monstrous tome was available in soft cover at the Wellington Leg Aerodrome where fog, rain, and Humphrey Bogart are thought to be trapped in the space time continuum.

Due to the inclement weather the earl was not available for comment. Urquhart Depew, an embittered dogsbody, remarked that the ban on the earl’s work “is long overdue.”

Geraldo reporting for Weekend in the Leg.