David Thayer

Wellington Leg: The Dowager Princess has approved a stimulus package for the sovereign lands of Wellington Leg, Carthago Nova, and Henley Hornbrook. There will be no stimulus for Goth whose citizens seem stimulated enough according to Big Scary Things manager Eugenia Phaeton, chief economic adviser to the throne.

Piggy Bank Audited: prior to announcing the new package of fiscal measures, the mighty vault at the Piggy Bank was opened to Eugenia and her team of forensic accountants. They found great heaps of collateral: Gummi Bears, Tootsie Rolls, Jose Canseco’s rookie card, candid photos of Hizzoner and a Mitt Romney souvenir mug. “This should end the credit crunch,” said a spokesperson for the Tower.

The Princess has selected Boris and Natasha to administer the new program. The first order of business is to drive through towne blowing their horn at all hours of the night. “It’s quite stimulating,” said Professor Moriarity. Citizens will be pelted with snowballs during “normal business hours.” The multiplex at the Prince of Denmark Shopping Center will feature “Rimbaud Returns,” a film epic based on the earl’s rambling RIMBAUD manuscript. Due to the writers strike no professionals were involved in the film’s creation.

With economic disaster averted Towne officials look forward to an afternoon nap. Quiet Time will be observed at the Piltdown Exchange including the Live Hogs Pit. “Most of the hogs fell asleep after the opening bell,” said trader Stanley Morgan. “I think they were up all night watching Rudy Guiliani at the Daytona Speedway.”

Live Hog futures rose while literary futures fell. The Live Author Pit was quiet with only Aldous Huxley contracts catching a bid. Word that Mr. Huxley may have passed away rattled the trading floor creating a sustained panic until trading was halted. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Gastropod Alley: Divers have recovered the turnip that city leaders claim is responsible for the war with Rome. Historians and hairdressers agree that when the earl threw the turnip at a Roman sentry it was the “clank heard round the world.”

Judge Hamilcar Frist had ordered the earl to appear at Devizes the historic and magisterial edifice where fast food and justice are on the menu twenty four seven. Towne officials objected but the order was issued after a Greek Chorus demanded to see the turnip so laden with consequence for Wellington Leg.

“One can clearly see an indentation on the turnip’s outer skin,” said Professor Moriarity. “If one boils a sample turnip in a vat of beer the earl’s culpability in this regard emerges full force.”

Certified Volvo mechanic Lars Kierkegaard will represent the earl at trial. “We are all guilty,” Lars said. Lars’ essay JOURNEY OR FOREIGNER will form the basis of his opening statement. “If we behead the earl for this offense, what will change?” he asked.

Crazy Glue Incident: CSI Caruso is unable to testify. “Someone put crazy glue on the stems of his sunglasses. He cannot remove his sunglasses and therefore cannot speak.”

Fifty thousand Roman troops are massed at the overflow parking lot near COSTCO in Goth. They crowded the Wellington Leg Book Mobile operated by adjunct librarian Waltraut Frothingmunster. “Crime fiction is very popular,” Waltraut said. “They love John Banville when he writes as Benjamin Black,” she added. Her Turnips Wellington recipe is also a hit with the troops.

Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Wellington Leg: As if Legians didn’t have enough to worry about stories are circulating that the earl’s monumental sixty yard fumble during Bob’s Anti-Freeze Wellington Fake New Year’s Bowl was caused not by octogenarian snapper Ponce de Leon but by the presence of a celebrity in the stands. Upon further review the earl can be seen “mugging and waving” in the direction of the Priority Bleachers a tropical area where Towne Officials gather.

A second camera angle shot exclusively for the W! Network indicates that Ponce was on his cellphone moments before the snap; as the earl breaks from the huddle Ponce performs a handstand while the earl, perhaps confused, tries to audible.

“I think Homer Simpson was in the Priority Bleachers,” reported eyewitness Stan The Man. “The earl kind of waved and then the ball is bouncing sixty yards behind the line of scrimmage.”

“The Crows were a two deep zone and we were in pass formation. I think the earl made the read, he likes to read, be it ebook, audio, or traditional. Coach Fenders tapped the side of his nose and then scratched his chin creating Inner Conflict for his qb. Pass? Run? Squib kick?”

Scandalous Behavior? In the aftermath of the big play some are saying that the earl fell asleep in the huddle after partying all night with Homer Simpson. When the huddle broke and the wideouts went into motion the earl lay on his back, snoring.

Towne to ban Celebrities: A Celebrity Ban is on the agenda at this evening’s towne council meeting. Eddie Parker, owner of Eddie’s Book Nook, plans to protest the ban. “I’ve got Godzilla lined up for Friday night,” he said. “His people have spoken to my people. My people have spoken to me and I have spoken with them.”

It’s not clear if Prehistoric G is a celebrity. Nevertheless the Fire Brigade is resentful: author signings are frequently riots waiting to happen. Geraldo reporting.

Wellington Bowl: 56,000 fans gathered at the Wellington Bowl for the “Fake New Year’s Eve”  football tilt. The Craven Royals defeated Stone the Crows despite an injury that sidelined Craven Quarterback and Literary Light, the forty third earl. The injury occurred when he said “yikes” which the center, eighty four year old Ponce de Leon, interpreted as “hike.” De Leon later blamed crowd noise for the miscue; he also claimed that the stadium lights had been tampered with by opposing coach Boris.

The earl was borne from the field of play on a makeshift sedan chair fashioned from discarded beer cans and popcorn boxes; he waved to the throng despite a late hit by a flying squirrel.

Natasha, the consort royal, caused  a stir during the coin toss by throwing the coin four hundred and fifteen feet into the air. During the uncomfortable interlude she kicked and punched the head linesman before the coin returned to earth.

It was later determined that the earl suffered a hangnail during the snap exchange. The ball slithered between his legs bouncing sixty yards downfield before local ice skating champion Niagara Malloy snatched the pigskin. He was decked by De Leon as he crossed midfield to scattered boos and jeers.

DCI Borchardt, playing free safety for the Crows, arrested speeding wide receiver Ginger Baker charging Baker with unsportsmanlike conduct. Backup QB Little Richard galloped in for the winning touchdown moments before fans tore down the goal posts.

The Wellington Blimp failed to appear. Several hot air balloons were launched but the camera angles did little to enhance the live feed. Many viewers reported seeing stars during the telecast and one woman, Doris Madden of Hadden, fell out of her chair. She was treated and released before being decked by Ponce de Leon who said later that, “his motor was still running.” Geraldo reporting.