Earl Sidelined By Hangnail
Wellington Bowl: 56,000 fans gathered at the Wellington Bowl for the “Fake New Year’s Eve” football tilt. The Craven Royals defeated Stone the Crows despite an injury that sidelined Craven Quarterback and Literary Light, the forty third earl. The injury occurred when he said “yikes” which the center, eighty four year old Ponce de Leon, interpreted as “hike.” De Leon later blamed crowd noise for the miscue; he also claimed that the stadium lights had been tampered with by opposing coach Boris.
The earl was borne from the field of play on a makeshift sedan chair fashioned from discarded beer cans and popcorn boxes; he waved to the throng despite a late hit by a flying squirrel.
Natasha, the consort royal, caused a stir during the coin toss by throwing the coin four hundred and fifteen feet into the air. During the uncomfortable interlude she kicked and punched the head linesman before the coin returned to earth.
It was later determined that the earl suffered a hangnail during the snap exchange. The ball slithered between his legs bouncing sixty yards downfield before local ice skating champion Niagara Malloy snatched the pigskin. He was decked by De Leon as he crossed midfield to scattered boos and jeers.
DCI Borchardt, playing free safety for the Crows, arrested speeding wide receiver Ginger Baker charging Baker with unsportsmanlike conduct. Backup QB Little Richard galloped in for the winning touchdown moments before fans tore down the goal posts.
The Wellington Blimp failed to appear. Several hot air balloons were launched but the camera angles did little to enhance the live feed. Many viewers reported seeing stars during the telecast and one woman, Doris Madden of Hadden, fell out of her chair. She was treated and released before being decked by Ponce de Leon who said later that, “his motor was still running.” Geraldo reporting.