Wellington Leg: The Dowager Princess has approved a stimulus package for the sovereign lands of Wellington Leg, Carthago Nova, and Henley Hornbrook. There will be no stimulus for Goth whose citizens seem stimulated enough according to Big Scary Things manager Eugenia Phaeton, chief economic adviser to the throne.
Piggy Bank Audited: prior to announcing the new package of fiscal measures, the mighty vault at the Piggy Bank was opened to Eugenia and her team of forensic accountants. They found great heaps of collateral: Gummi Bears, Tootsie Rolls, Jose Canseco’s rookie card, candid photos of Hizzoner and a Mitt Romney souvenir mug. “This should end the credit crunch,” said a spokesperson for the Tower.
The Princess has selected Boris and Natasha to administer the new program. The first order of business is to drive through towne blowing their horn at all hours of the night. “It’s quite stimulating,” said Professor Moriarity. Citizens will be pelted with snowballs during “normal business hours.” The multiplex at the Prince of Denmark Shopping Center will feature “Rimbaud Returns,” a film epic based on the earl’s rambling RIMBAUD manuscript. Due to the writers strike no professionals were involved in the film’s creation.
With economic disaster averted Towne officials look forward to an afternoon nap. Quiet Time will be observed at the Piltdown Exchange including the Live Hogs Pit. “Most of the hogs fell asleep after the opening bell,” said trader Stanley Morgan. “I think they were up all night watching Rudy Guiliani at the Daytona Speedway.”
Live Hog futures rose while literary futures fell. The Live Author Pit was quiet with only Aldous Huxley contracts catching a bid. Word that Mr. Huxley may have passed away rattled the trading floor creating a sustained panic until trading was halted. Rex Love-Handles reporting.