Gerbil Collection Feared “lost”
Wellington Leg: On the eve of towne’s long awaited caucuses ( as opposed to Caucasus. What sense would long awaited Caucasus make? On the eve of what?) little Timmy of Goth broke his aquarium unleashing three gallons of water and a killer whale into the Towne’s fragile ecosystem. Before help could arrive the Orca, named Dusty, consumed four thousand gerbils at the Gerbil Emporium on Eve of Caucasus Boulevard. Also lost in the spill were an unknown quantity of Gerbil Accoutrement’s; Gerbil Gear, tiny food, little treadmills, a copy of EARTHLY POWERS by Anthony Burgess, and briefly, the forty third earl.
Elena Fontana of Helena Montana was an eye-witness: “I saw the whale swallow this guy who I guess is the earl. He looked a lot like Santa Claus or Richard Gere the way Richard Gere looks now, not like he used to look. Anyway, the whale spat the guy out but ate all the gerbils.”
Gerbils had a Kindle: Before the fish tank broke the gerbils were uploading the works of Anthony Burgess onto a late model flatbed Kindle. Elena from Helena recorded her thoughts on Your Blue Fin Tube shortly before leaving Towne: “There was a body snatcher vibe , I thought. I’m like, do gerbils need an ereader? Do whales eat gerbils in the wild?”
So many questions: The forty third earl was rushing along Great Rampling Strasse looking for a big dish of beef chow mein when he reported a Sargasso Sea of gerbils and literature blocking his pathe; when the great Orca struck, he said, “well, that really takes the cake.”
When spat free of the beast the earl sailed across Great Rampling Strasse onto a stack of discarded mattresses believed to constitute what police describe as “deus ex machina.” The earl suffered a mild concussion when EARTHLY POWERS struck his forehead. His caucus group waited for him as long as they could: they elected the Dowager Princess to a fifty third term and ate all of the peanut M&Ms, sources report. Marvelous Marv reporting.