Uno the Beagle Wins Primary
Wellington Leg: While he doesn’t have a book deal Uno the Beagle has captured the Westminster Best in Show, an event that parallels literary ascension into Importance and perhaps serves as a model for how authors should be selected for stardom.
Under the current system soon to be famous authors are groomed at prestigious universities until they are old enough to watch Oprah. The ideal age for Prodigy is somewhere between Marissa Pessl and Benjamin Kunkel but not as old as Jonathan Franzen. Having read the collected works of these Prodigies I can safely say that MFA programs need Westminster Kennel Club’s fabulous sense of drama.
Madison Square Garden, which is nowhere near Madison Square, is the ideal venue for graduation ceremonies. Imagine the excitement as the authors and their handlers make the first orbit of the showroom floor: signs would indicate the number of years devoted to the current masterpiece: 4,8,12, 24 being popular choices. For 25 year old writers it is not wise to choose a number above 24. Let’s keep it real.
Aging prodigies who haven’t produced much lately but whose fame is secure might serve as a panel of non-voting judges to avoid internecine rivalries and fist fights. It might be good to have Bob Costas call the play by play and John Madden choose his All Madden Team based on lyricism, hair style, projection ( it’s no good if we can’t hear you) poise, and the juxtaposition of breeding, optional suffering and mandatory deprivation during the dark years when the only friend you have is Captain Kangaroo.
Uno’s victory proves that size doesn’t matter: Uno is just over a foot tall but graduated from Yale at age One, went on to be the American ambassador to the Court of St. James before returning home to take over as CEO of the Ford Motor Company. Uno loves rubber bones, old boxing gloves, Corvettes, and the works of David Foster Wallace.
That’s what makes a champion.