David Thayer

Lake Trasimere Florida: If the Baltimore Orioles are to contend this year they’ll need more outings like the Duchess’ two inning masterpiece against Boston last night. The Sawx looked lost against the crafty right hander who blew away Big Papi and Manny with her circle change and exceptional knitwear.

Three finger grip: when her changeup leaves her hand it looks like a four seam fastball or a loose seam pantaloon before morphing into the lobby of the Woolworth Building literary scouts report. Author Jose Canseco took his hacks during her bullpen session. “She’s nasty,” Jose said.

Full pinky extension: “Imagine one is handling fine bone china,” said a Yankee scout. “She gets full pinkie extension on all her pitches from every arm slot. She’s tougher than Joba.”

She denies Hooters involvement: The Duchess was not part of a brawl at a local Hooters Saturday night. She came to camp with a new attitude probably thrilled to be free of the Fighting Gastropods who are rebuilding this year. In a related story Major League Baseball is ignoring the Dowager Princess who has declared the Tigers as winners of the 2008 World Series. “She can’t expect us to cancel the entire season just because she issues one of her executive orders,” said a spokesman for the commissioner.

Scouts for the Mariners, Phillies, and Cubs were seen pouring through Aristotle’s Poetics during the game. “The first three innings are an overture,” said a Mariners executive. “We’re not sure what comes next,” he added.

Aristotle never addressed the dilemma of extra innings. Marvelous Marv reporting.

Near the Fake Forum: He had a nightmare that Steve Lawrence tried to run him over in a Fiat Panda. That led to a series of poor predictions and Jumpoff Joe had to quit the oracle business to sell BMWs on Serramonte Boulevard in San Francisco. Near Baker beach a panda swam ashore and stole Joe’s tuna fish on rye.  Joe cautioned young and old about the swimming panda menace before settling down to write a memoir.

A PANDA SWIMMING is Joe’s story told from the point of view of a man who sees things that others don’t, a man possessed with a knowledge so great that there isn’t room in Golden Gate Park for joggers and this knowledge to be in the park at the same time. Joe knew this. That’s why he stayed away from the park even when hot dog vendors showed up and Joe was really hungry. He knew. The more he knew the bigger the problem became: soon it was larger than Marin County. Joe fled north. Down Mexico way. Joe fled south. Down Mexico way. He forgot a few things and the problem shrank; he headed north again, maybe east. North north east. Rolled into Dallas on a hot summer morning and rented a room, a garret, and a spacious studio. He took up painting and became famous.

Then it all came crashing down. A panda on an Indian Scout came to town. Joe couldn’t paint anymore. He couldn’t wild cat for oil anymore. He couldn’t eat rocky road ice cream that he didn’t order anymore. A friend asked, “Hey, Joe, where you going with that panda in your hand?”

A PANDA SWIMMING by Jumpoff Joe.  They say people don’t read anymore. Find out why.