David Thayer

Great Wellington Bowling Green: Geraldo here. I’m whispering as I approach the statue of Bill Faulkner on the crest of a small hill above the bowling green. Like Robert Redford I’m tired of commercial interference with news reporting. That’s why I’m in the field to get a first hand look at Wellington Leg’s film industry at work. My cameraman is in the parking lot talking Indians baseball with my producer. I am alone out here.

From my vantage point I see the Forty Third Earl speaking with a witch. He’s leaning against the Eiffel Tower. I crawl closer through the spartina grass. Discarded industrial gears, lizard guts, the bloated husk of a rusting Chevy, closer and closer, all in the name of journalistic integrity, which, God knows, no one cares about anymore until her single yellow eye turns toward me…

Croak…croak…croak. What can it mean?

“Okay, cut. Someone get that frog off the set.”

“It’s not a frog. It’s wearing a Channel Five baseball cap.”

Croak.

“Look, it’s trying to use the computer!”

“The Eiffel Tower fell over! What next?”

“Let’s take ten. Bob, you fix the Eiffel Tower. Frederika, grab all the baseball hats. Don’t kiss that frog….”

I hear a ripping sound, smell a noxious blend of smoke and cheap perfume, my fingers are swollen, I’m at a Bread concert…

“Geraldo? Better get off the set. The Zombies are coming.”

This is what journalistic integrity feels like! I run for my life, the lede is writing itself: Production problems plague Paris set! Zombie strike is over! Witches are real! But I think she cured my writer’s block!

Geraldo reporting from On Location in Wellington Leg.

Collywood Hills: Producer Gus Triandos has greenlighted ARTIST CZARINA BLOOD FURY from local screenwriter Antonin Borzoi. “We read a treatment,” Gus said. “Then we read the first page.” By page three Gus reported being mesmerized: “Page three has a big coffee stain in the middle. And some Cossacks. Page four is blank. I’m like, of course it is.”

Author, author: As reported in the Druidical & Literary screenwriter Borzoi is a graduate of Boris’ Obedience School in Middle Wallop, an adjunct of his Famous Writers School. In exchange for good paragraphs writers are given rewards like chewy treats. “The screen writing class is limited to the first seven hundred applicants,” Boris explained. “This helps insure individual attention.”

Problems with script? Rumors are flying that the script is in trouble. “The czarina menace is not one that viewers identify with,” said script doctor Canseco. Rewrite specialist Bogarding Thatjoint is on hand just in case. “I’m writing the zombies back in,” he said. “Here comes one now.”

Zombies Walk Out: Labor problems and ongoing contract negotiations have left Zombies and management far apart. “That’s why they’re using czarinas,” said union officials. “We don’t believe it was a typo.”

Borzoi is working on Page Six of the script.  “He doesn’t really understand math so we’re calling it Page Six” The setting is St. Petersburg but the question remains whether that’s Florida or Russia. “We have a Greek Chorus of old guys with wet rags on their heads storming the Winter Palace,” said Gus. “That’s flexibility,” he added.

Borzoi was running through the park at press time and could not be interviewed. Geraldo reporting for the W! Network.

Ext. Night Wellington Leg: Voiceover: Two men approach the heavily guarded Museum where the impressionist masterpiece FAT GUYS WITH WINGS is being restored by the beautiful and mysterious Borzoi loving Hermione. Unaware of the danger outside Hermione unlocks all the doors and sends the security guards to Dunkin’ Donuts.

Ext. Night Dunkin Donuts Parking Lot: Unaware of the danger outside the guards debate their favorite breed of dog. They both like Akitas so the debate is brief.

Int. Night. Hall of Justice: the only person on duty is the Forty Third Earl. He’s typing reports but his full suit of armor makes the going tough. Hungry, and unaware of the danger outside, he clanks off in the direction of Dunkin’ Donuts.

Int. Night Hall of Justice: A sleek dog, a Borzoi, makes a few corrections to the earl’s report. He’s not sure how to spell Zombie. Maybe it’s Zomby or Tshombi. He changes the word to Czarina.

Int. Night. Museum. Hermione hears noises. A fanfare of trumpets. She turns to face a pair of armed Czarinas. she vows to defend FAT GUYS WITH WINGS with her life.

Ext. Night Patrol Car: The earl hears the distress call on his radio. He can throw his coffee away or finish it since it cost eighty nine cents. He remembers a Starbucks not far from the museum. Are they still open?

Int. Night Museum: Hermione is saved by a courageous dog, a Borzoi named Gogol. The czarinas flee as the security guards return from Dunkin Donuts. “We used to like Akitas,” one says to the camera. “Now we like Borzois.”

Ext. Night Starbucks: The drive through is closed. The Earl dons his helmet but now can’t see to drive. Gogol bounds across the parking lot, takes the wheel, leaves a lot of rubber…

Int. Day. Hall of Justice: Gogol is Dog of the Year. FAT GUYS WITH WINGS opens nationwide tour.

Thirty. Fade Out.

Mile marker 83: Business, sports, and book writing are suspended in Wellington Leg after a team of experts determined the Towne is too busy. The ban on these activities is expected to last until August calling into question the traditional start of the Literary Faire. Swimming and bicycle riding are also proscribed in a ten page memo called “Too Busy.”

Drawn and quartered from all walks of life the panel of experts spent eleven weeks in Wellington Leg although ten of those weeks were devoted to Chinese takeout menu analysis ( CTMA). Residents grumble that the experts never formally met to discuss their findings due to scheduling conflicts. One expert, a Mr. Mango, spent his days assembling a thirty foot apple fritter that he hoped might distract the naval forces arrayed in Gastropod Alley.

Petition to the Earl: Entitled, “We’re Not that Busy” the petition was delivered to his garconniere on Pouncing Adverbs Close. Unfortunately the earl had retired to his hammock after an exhausting breakfast meeting with his advisers.

However, the Duchess, resplendent in retro flannel and an Orioles cap, noted that “she was too busy to read the busy memo, but not too busy to refer the matter to her own panel of experts puttering about in a jalopy of her own design.”

Roman forces stationed in and around Costco in Goth are exempt from the activity ban. Four legions have departed winter quarters in preparation for an invasion of western Pennsylvania. The troops have mastered the English phrase “can you dig it?” in an effort to placate restive populations.

The sacking and burning of condo complexes is also banned, experts note.

Natasha, the Consort Royal, reporting.

Wellington Leg: Instead of watching the debate last night Legians were treated to a fifteen round battle between Smoking Joe Frazier and Mohammed Ali. This time Frazier Koed the champ in the fourth round courtesy of the W! Network’s Time Warped TV. Animator Nelson Trafalgar of Brooms Akimbo Lane in Henley Hornbrook utilized a number two pencil and a box of Crayolas to recreate the fight for a select audience of aldermen, nabobs, undersheriffs, Black Watch, and cucumber heiress Lady Jane. A Howard Cosell handpuppet was stolen during the second round but a Kathie Lee Gifford handpuppet saved the day.

Invented in 1954 by a team from Wellington Poly Time Warp TV aired the Kefauver hearings into organized crime during the 2008 Super Bowl. “The show was a huge success,” noted executive producer Wilder Capshaw. “Few people knew that Murder Incorporated opened a branch in Wellington Leg.”

Next week the W! Network plans to run the Nixon-Kennedy debate. “This time Dick is going to win,” Mr. Trafalgar vowed. “I’m going to erase the sweat from his upper lip.”

Skeptics point out that dwelling in the past is not healthy for Wellington Leg or its floundering economy. Such an economy, based entirely on Flounder Futures, is bound to wobble. With the Spanish Armada blockading Gastropod Alley and the secret aid of the Dauphin things look grim for GDP growth.

Geraldo reporting for the W! Network.

Crime Beat Update: Someone has drawn a mustache on the Dauphin’s fabled visage: The Flying Squad has seized a number two pencil and cordoned off four square blocks and one triangular shaped intersection. WLPD is issuing a traffic advisory.