David Thayer

Wellington Leg: Your reporter has returned from the mighty JFK to the Wellington Aerodrome recently refurbished with odd bits of stylistic musings from the Soviet school of opera frozen in stone. It’s really not a cathedral without a gargoyle or two and it’s really not an airport unless the baggage carousel, which, without baggage, is really just a carousel although austere and not very inviting, unless the baggage carousel spins faster and faster until the luggage flies through the air where lucky contestants can grab their belongings with Jeter like grace and style.

The Aerodrome has a functional fog machine operated by unemployed members of the Wellington Leg Light Orchestra. Fog creates an aura of drama and mystery whether of the low lying rising variety or the more traditional enveloping mist of the descending kind. Someone will inevitably remark that they can’t see their hand in front of their face and you wonder, to yourself of course, what their hand is doing in front of their face. Aren’t they in a hurry? Don’t they want to reach the promised land beyond security?

Or are they simply at the Aerodrome listening to the parking regulations: you can’t park, there is no waiting, violators will be ticketed. Hey, it’s all about waiting. Why not ban waiting indoors? In fact, passengers can wait all they want. Those retrieving said passengers ( meet me near the poster of Hillary Shooting Geese. Bring a pickup truck) they are not permitted to wait. So you have those who wait and those who may not wait separated only by the static filled observations of a disembodied voice insisting that there is no waiting allowed.

Air travel. I can’t wait for my next trip.

On the road: Your reporter is on assignment this weekend. Wellington Leg, a shimmering city on the hill, is expecting fair weather through tonight into the wee hours.

Witch Trial Scheduled: the Wicked Witch who turned Geraldo into a frog will go on trial next week at Central Assizes not far from The Tower. Jury selection is complete although the inclusion of a market weight hog and a Googlebot is certain to raise eyebrows. D&L Publisher Ernst Von Lowbrau has editorialized that “she’s a witch, she’s guilty, we don’t need a trial!”

The hog in question may be Mortimer Mayhew himself a victim of the defendant. “I think the defendant turned Mortimer into a Hog even as she transformed Geraldo into a frog.” Only the kiss of Frederika Fress reversed the spell restoring Geraldo to his “current condition.”

Judge Hamilcar Frist will preside. To amuse the mob he’s reinstating court room favorite THE GREEK CHORUS whose members will boo and hiss when the defense counsel speaks, cry, “she’s guilty!” when things get boring and wrangle the large assembly of small amphibians expected to turn out for the trial. “Many of the frogs and toads hereabouts are interested in the trial,” said Professor Moriarity. “After all, they may be taxpayers.”

Prosecutor Gonads plans to read from Kerouac in his opening statement after discarding the idea of HOWL in its entirety. Exhibit A is a motorized broom believed to be a means of transport for the defendant. Members of the Flying Squad will testify that the broom landed at Wellington Aerodrome “on time for a change.”

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Wellington Leg: As our beloved Gastropods stumble on a home stand after flubbing on the road I thought it an opportune moment to mention the crime fiction titles whizzing across the aisles at Eddie’s Book Nook. Eddie was supposed to write this column but a white rhino charged through the display window at the height of rush hour. Retail gets tougher by the moment.

Review in January Magazine: Alex Carr’s PRINCE OF BAGRAM PRISON is now up and running on January’s crime fiction page. Alex Carr is Jenny Siler who is always welcome at Eddie’s Book Nook once we clear away the Rhino debris and attendant vampire bits.

VODKA NEAT is the work of UK based Anna Blundy. Blundy is published in the UK by McMillan, the US by St. Martin’s. As a North American you’re going to be confused probably buying eleven of her books to discover there are really only three: the good news they’re terrific, so you won’t care.

THE WATER’S EDGE by Daniel Judson. Wellington Leg is Judson country although he prefers to set his stories on the eastern fringe of Long Island more Hampton Bays and Moriches Inlet than the summer hot spots further east. His characters drive through East Hampton but don’t linger. This is his finest novel yet and that’s saying something.

The Earl to the Yankee pen? Don’t be surprised by a June call up for the forty third earl. Yankee brass are working on a deal whereby the earl can take afternoon naps even during day games! This was the big sticking point last year along with the midges on the shores of Lake Erie. Stay tuned….

Wellington Leg: The race for sheriff grew heated as the Dowager Princess confounded pundits by throwing her crown into the ring. Not her good crown, but her everyday crown, the one she wears to the ballpark. Promising her constituents free beer and squalor The Princess leapfrogged the pack including arch nemesis Boris the Reformer. Boris’ campaign slogan More Radishes Than We Have Now reminds voters that his fourteen terms in the House did much to improve the soil in these precincts.

Separation of Powers? “If the Regent becomes Sheriff she may order herself to behead members of the House who oppose her free beer and squalor initiative,” warned Rosencranz from Stage Right. “With the combined strength of Regent and Sheriff the Princess will become more powerful than the Commissioner of Major League Baseball.”

The Voters are Idiots: Other than radishes it isn’t clear what Boris the Reformer has to offer. He recently observed that “voters are idiots” upsetting a delicate balance in local politics. His “Borscht for Babies” program came acropper after nine out of ten infants refused to eat Borscht. Boris was caught bribing a toddler with a Porsche Carrera Turbo, way too much car for a two year old. Still his promise of a windswept desolate literary landscape resonates with the Romantics whose voting bloc is essential to form a government.

Third Party Candidate Ethelred overslept on the campaign trail then flew his Learjet to Nova Scotia where he greeted Fisherman John who is his single supporter in the race. Ethelred and John shared a big dish of beef chow mein before shaking hands in the fog. “Bad photo op,” Boris observed. Still every picture tells a story.

With the Fighting Gastropods in Cleveland the Princess will hold a rally on the Great Lawn in straightaway center field. Peasants and serfs will be beaten if they forget to attend. A word to the wise.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Wellington Leg: Last week’s daring heist of the portrait EARL WITH A PEARL EARRING may have been engineered by the brain discovered in the lost and found at Hizzoner’s Reassembly Ball. While local dignitaries celebrated The Restoration thieves made off with the masterpiece that dates to the earl’s Butterscotch Period. The nine by twelve oil painting depicts his right honorable self gazing at a hubcap believed to be the last vestige of his 1927 Hispano Suiza saloon car.

Sometimes called EARL THE PEARL the painting formed part of the dower bestowed upon King Pin the Second. Large sections of Michigan completed his lands and holdings before the Dowager Princess rebelled overthrowing the monarchy and sending counter party debt instruments into chaos.

We Arrest Only the Brain: Freelance writer Henderson Pugh is without his brain…again. Fortunately Mr. Pugh is completing assignments for People Magazine as well as transcribing the minutes of the Fed’s Open Market Committee. “He won’t need his brain for those jobs,” noted Dan Tana. “In fact he’s really in demand.”

The Earl in Shock: Reached in the far left hand corner of the Fighting Gastropods dugout the earl leaned on a Manny Ramirez hickory bat and refused to answer this reporter’s questions about the heist. “We really can’t have people’s brains running around loose…stealing art and stuff,” said Interim Manager Lars Kierkegaard.

Jello Mold Believed Eaten: If anyone has more Jello mold or has plans to make some, please contact the Flying Squad care of this blog.

T.Rex Love-Handles for the Wellington Leg Police Blotter.

Wellington Leg Lost and Found: Mr. Henderson Pugh of 14 Marriage of Figaro Gasse has claimed the brain left at Hizzoner’s Assembly Ball last Thursday evening. The brain had been checked at the door by mall security forces after Mr. Pugh created a disturbance by telling an attendant that “tota Gallia in tres partes divisa est.” He also remarked that he was planning to “throw a bridge across the Rhine.”

If He’s Not Julius Caesar, then Who is He? After the initial scuffle DCI Borchardt took control of the scene although his personal dignity suffered a blow when his Moderne Hairpiece took flight during an orchestral overture. After several orbits of the Hall the toupee buzzed the front row seats where dignitaries and luminaries screamed until rodeo star Mister Dubya lassoed the runaway rug.

Brain Labeled by Mom? The lost and found returned the brain to Mr. Pugh after they found his name taped to the Medulla Oblongata. “My mother labeled my socks and underwear,” Mr. Pugh explained. “She labeled my Canned Heat album,” he added. “Thank goodness.”

His Latin Outburst: Professor Dan Tana of the Left Brain Bank thinks Mr. Pugh spoke Latin in a previous life. “Certainly we know by now that Gaul is divided into many parts, more than three, more than thirty three.” Using a pair of heavy duty scissors Tana snipped away at a map of Gaul. “There you have it,” he said. “A million little pieces.”

Jello Mold to the Rescue: One of the toughest substances on earth, jello mold was used to preserve the brain for a week. “It’s working fine,” Mr. Pugh reported. “Except that now I speak Portuguese.”

Mr. Pugh is a freelance writer. “It’s not a job you can do for long without a brain,” he confessed. “A week, tops.”

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.