Free Beer, Squalor
Wellington Leg: The race for sheriff grew heated as the Dowager Princess confounded pundits by throwing her crown into the ring. Not her good crown, but her everyday crown, the one she wears to the ballpark. Promising her constituents free beer and squalor The Princess leapfrogged the pack including arch nemesis Boris the Reformer. Boris’ campaign slogan More Radishes Than We Have Now reminds voters that his fourteen terms in the House did much to improve the soil in these precincts.
Separation of Powers? “If the Regent becomes Sheriff she may order herself to behead members of the House who oppose her free beer and squalor initiative,” warned Rosencranz from Stage Right. “With the combined strength of Regent and Sheriff the Princess will become more powerful than the Commissioner of Major League Baseball.”
The Voters are Idiots: Other than radishes it isn’t clear what Boris the Reformer has to offer. He recently observed that “voters are idiots” upsetting a delicate balance in local politics. His “Borscht for Babies” program came acropper after nine out of ten infants refused to eat Borscht. Boris was caught bribing a toddler with a Porsche Carrera Turbo, way too much car for a two year old. Still his promise of a windswept desolate literary landscape resonates with the Romantics whose voting bloc is essential to form a government.
Third Party Candidate Ethelred overslept on the campaign trail then flew his Learjet to Nova Scotia where he greeted Fisherman John who is his single supporter in the race. Ethelred and John shared a big dish of beef chow mein before shaking hands in the fog. “Bad photo op,” Boris observed. Still every picture tells a story.
With the Fighting Gastropods in Cleveland the Princess will hold a rally on the Great Lawn in straightaway center field. Peasants and serfs will be beaten if they forget to attend. A word to the wise.
T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.