David Thayer

Wellington Leg: Last week’s daring heist of the portrait EARL WITH A PEARL EARRING may have been engineered by the brain discovered in the lost and found at Hizzoner’s Reassembly Ball. While local dignitaries celebrated The Restoration thieves made off with the masterpiece that dates to the earl’s Butterscotch Period. The nine by twelve oil painting depicts his right honorable self gazing at a hubcap believed to be the last vestige of his 1927 Hispano Suiza saloon car.

Sometimes called EARL THE PEARL the painting formed part of the dower bestowed upon King Pin the Second. Large sections of Michigan completed his lands and holdings before the Dowager Princess rebelled overthrowing the monarchy and sending counter party debt instruments into chaos.

We Arrest Only the Brain: Freelance writer Henderson Pugh is without his brain…again. Fortunately Mr. Pugh is completing assignments for People Magazine as well as transcribing the minutes of the Fed’s Open Market Committee. “He won’t need his brain for those jobs,” noted Dan Tana. “In fact he’s really in demand.”

The Earl in Shock: Reached in the far left hand corner of the Fighting Gastropods dugout the earl leaned on a Manny Ramirez hickory bat and refused to answer this reporter’s questions about the heist. “We really can’t have people’s brains running around loose…stealing art and stuff,” said Interim Manager Lars Kierkegaard.

Jello Mold Believed Eaten: If anyone has more Jello mold or has plans to make some, please contact the Flying Squad care of this blog.

T.Rex Love-Handles for the Wellington Leg Police Blotter.

Wellington Leg Lost and Found: Mr. Henderson Pugh of 14 Marriage of Figaro Gasse has claimed the brain left at Hizzoner’s Assembly Ball last Thursday evening. The brain had been checked at the door by mall security forces after Mr. Pugh created a disturbance by telling an attendant that “tota Gallia in tres partes divisa est.” He also remarked that he was planning to “throw a bridge across the Rhine.”

If He’s Not Julius Caesar, then Who is He? After the initial scuffle DCI Borchardt took control of the scene although his personal dignity suffered a blow when his Moderne Hairpiece took flight during an orchestral overture. After several orbits of the Hall the toupee buzzed the front row seats where dignitaries and luminaries screamed until rodeo star Mister Dubya lassoed the runaway rug.

Brain Labeled by Mom? The lost and found returned the brain to Mr. Pugh after they found his name taped to the Medulla Oblongata. “My mother labeled my socks and underwear,” Mr. Pugh explained. “She labeled my Canned Heat album,” he added. “Thank goodness.”

His Latin Outburst: Professor Dan Tana of the Left Brain Bank thinks Mr. Pugh spoke Latin in a previous life. “Certainly we know by now that Gaul is divided into many parts, more than three, more than thirty three.” Using a pair of heavy duty scissors Tana snipped away at a map of Gaul. “There you have it,” he said. “A million little pieces.”

Jello Mold to the Rescue: One of the toughest substances on earth, jello mold was used to preserve the brain for a week. “It’s working fine,” Mr. Pugh reported. “Except that now I speak Portuguese.”

Mr. Pugh is a freelance writer. “It’s not a job you can do for long without a brain,” he confessed. “A week, tops.”

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.