Archive for June, 2008

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Politicos Eye the Leg

Monday, June 30th, 2008

Succotash House: Analysts are becoming convinced that the Bailiwick of Legg may be a swing district in this year’s presidential election. That means that major figures in the US political landscape are paying close attention: Ice Cream Magnate James Carvel was in town yesterday for the Gastropods fourteenth consecutive loss. He carried with him several candid remarks delivered in an exclusive off the record scoop to the Druidical & Literary.

Senator John McCain on Wellington Leg: “I haven’t been there. They tell me it’s nice.”

John, those are Joe Walsh lyrics. “Well, I’d like to meet the Forty Third Earl. He’s a battlefield giant.”

Senator Barack Obama was more sanguine: “You look at a town like Wellington Leg and think is the glass half full? I think the glass is half full, and I know that the citizens out there think so too. They’ve had enough of feudal lords and crazy edicts that really don’t spur economic growth. We’re gonna change all that. And that baseball team? They’re gonna win the pennant.”

President George Walker Bush: “I’ve never heard of Wellington Leg. That’s intentional because the information that I receive is vetted first. If all sorts of facts and stuff hit my desk I wouldn’t be able to run this country. So, bottom line, I’ve already forgotten this conversation.”

William Jefferson Clinton: “I love the people of Wellington Leg. I love ‘em to pieces and do you know why? I’m just like them. They’re just like me. I’ve been to Eddie’s Book Nook a million times and I’ll come back anytime. Sign books. Cry a little. And, hey, balance the budget.”

Nancy Pelosi: “This House is about pocketbook issues, gas, food, opera tickets. I would love to visit Wellington Leg but have no plans to do so because the Republicans have parked my car in and I can’t get out. Where’s my cab? This is gridlock.”

The Dowager Princess:  “They can come here, kiss my ring, but unless the Tigers win the pennant I’m not supporting anybody. Belly up, you guys, make it happen.”

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Who’s the Geezer in the Geezer Jeans?

Friday, June 27th, 2008

Wellington Leg: Fashion Week kicked off in Wellington Leg despite the absence of designer sensation, the Forty Third Earl. His new line of geezer wear is the talk of fashionistas gathering here for the Runway Spectacle at Wellington Aerodrome. Fashion Week will inaugurate the controversial third runway opposed by John McCain as wasteful but supported by Barack Obama who is wistful. “I think an airport overrun by feral hogs is a public works nightmare,” said a spokesperson for Wellington Haute Couture. “But the Geezer line is red hot.”

Handle With Care: The Earl’s Geezer jeans are a blend of synthetic and artificial fibers, monomers, polymers, remaindered books, and shark’s teeth that not only look great but never need pressing! In fact, ironing those jeans may be dangerous, according to Marvelous Marv who sported a pair of the pale blue Cerulean Model jeans with White Belt. “I tried ironing my pair,” Marv said. “As soon as the iron made contact with the trousers there was a big explosion and I was thrown four hundred feet or about one hundred and seventy meters into the air. When I came to, I thought I was Carmen Elektra.”

Ironing Becomes Elektra: Geezer Jeans come in a variety of hardy styles: straight leg, boot leg, dogleg, and, of course, Wellington Leg. The Wellington model features a Warning Label which depicts the aftermath of pressing the jeans, a miniature mushroom cloud on a backdrop of Pacific Atoll. Sex appeal? Guys wearing the Earl’s Own Geezer Jeans sum up the experience this way: Babe Magnet. “The ladies see the DO NOT IRON warning label and go crazy,” Marv said.

Accessories:  With Geezer Jeans you can swap that white belt for a yellow one and clip your cellular telephone( you don’t have to be home to make a call) to the Cellular Phone Belt Loop made of durable Chinese aluminum. You can personalize your garment with rich Earlcron triple polyester slogans like “The Red Sox Suck.”

Young Guys Love ‘em too: Our own Tuffy Tuffington sported a pair recently while chasing down a Breaking Story for the Druidical & Literary: “I can’t breathe,” Tuffy said. “But I look great.”

Fashion Week is a two day event this year. T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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The Tuffington Post: My Ice Cream is Melting

Thursday, June 26th, 2008

Wellington Leg: The relentless news cycle suffered a curious interruption late yesterday: nothing happened. Oh sure, the Literary Faire Committee held a parade in honor of Prudentia’s victory last year. Members of the Towne Council stood on the reviewing stand wearing uniforms bedecked with medals and ribbons saluting as formations of writers straggled by.  Pretty boring until Brenda’s flyover. Wow, that MIG is fast! Hizzoner hit the deck when he saw her coming, but the damage was minimal. Good thing because all the mayor’s horses and some of his men are on summer holiday. It took months to reassemble Hizzoner at who knows what cost to out strained budget.

I didn’t believe in global warming but now I do! During the Writer Review I ducked into Eddie’s Book Nook for an ice cream cone. Eddie has a cool statue of Eugene O’Neill and fourteen flavors of ice cream. Anyway my ice cream melted! I’m like, dude, this is science in action. Eddie has a strict return policy: he wouldn’t refund my money. Now I’m a victim of Global Warming.

The writer parade would be more fun if they had tanks and stuff. Some of the writers were panhandling during the Inaugural Address which is really not cool. The first runner up won a Smythe Oven with two extra slots so you can make four pieces of toast instead of two. I’m so jealous! With a four slot oven I could make two days worth of toast all at once and be that far ahead of the game the next day.

By the way a lot of you complained about my use of personal pronouns in the last Tuffington Post. Thanks for the heads-up. I hope I don’t review any movies like THEM anytime soon! Or write for US. After a week of being a reporter I think it’s time to get a paying gig.

Wish me luck!

Tuffy Tuffington.

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Agony Column to Return

Wednesday, June 25th, 2008

Sancto Sanctorum: In the darkest recesses of the Umbrage Building The Druidical & Literary’s Executive Board gathered for a bollocking from major investor Eugenia Phaeton, third grader at Wellington Primary School and manager of My Hedge Fund, a show and tell project run amok. Eugenia pulled no punches in her presentation to the board although some board members objected to Nap Time, others refused their milk and cookies. Little Don, Vice Chairman of the Board, reported that Eugenia “stuck her tongue out at me.” He complained to the Big Fat Guys who demanded that Eugenia stay after school.

Typical Hedge Fund Manager: The Druidical & Literary has suffered a drastic reduction in circulation as well as advertising revenue in the past several quarters. The D&L may close its Goth Bureau despite the bureau’s award winning coverage of the Roman Invasion. Bureau Chief T. Rex Love-Handles vowed to stay on regardless of cost cutting measures imposed by My Hedge Fund. “I will continue to report the activities of the Vecesima Claudia Legion on behalf of the people of Goth, who stand to lose their overflow parking privileges at COSTCO should this relentless military action continue….”

New Ideas Abound: In order to lure new readers the Board announced the return of the Earl’s Agony Column, a longtime favorite of suffering writers in Wellington Leg. “The earl’s timely advice is essential to understanding not only the zeitgeist and weltschmierzen so common to our artistic brothers and sisters who endure all sorts of Germanic afflictions in the name of Art.”

Blue Whale Petitioned: While Eugenia approved the Agony she is foresquare against the Ecstacy so prevalent these days in the hallowed halls of academe. As a precondition to running the column she pointed that the Earl “must be retrieved from the big Whale who swallowed him earlier this month.” To that end the Board issued a Resolution to the Whale or Whales warning of dire consequences of a seafaring nature may result if he, The Earl, is not returned to our collective bosom.”

It’s not how the Board intends to deliver its Ultimatum to a Monster of the Deep.

Tuffy “Unpaid Intern” Tuffington reporting.

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Klatu Alters Playing Field

Tuesday, June 24th, 2008

Middle Old Parke: The Parks Department has concluded that Klatu, the large robot from Mars, will be treated as a statue or monument and maintained accordingly. “We’re going to polish him up this afternoon,” said Department Chief Medvedev. “It’s time to mow the lawn,” he added. A crew on a John Deere riding mower approached Klatu this morning with mixed results. “We mowed a section of lawn before he vaporized our tractor,” said Sid a city employee. The Mars Lander, parked fifty meters from Klatu,  absorbed the grass cuttings through a hollow tube. “We heard a giant sucking sound,” Sid reported.

You’ve Already Thought About Parking Here: Meter maid Constance believes that the Mars Lander is illegally parked. “I issued a citation yesterday,” she said. “Klatu ate the parking ticket.”

Brief Panic Ensues: Klatu took three steps forward and two steps back during lunch Monday afternoon. Sid had unwrapped his peanut butter and jelly sandwich when Klatu lurched forward. “We ran,” Sid said. “Klatu likes Wonder Bread.”

Hizzoner Ponders Options: The Wellington Leg Towne Council is drafting a stern warning to the Mars Lander and it’s occupants: “We demand that the giant robot be removed from our property and further declare that Klatu is a public nuisance. We order the Flying Squad to serve a warrant on the Lander in an expression of interstellar zoning regulations.”

Judge Hamilcar Frist is expected to authorize the warrant in his chambers just as soon as he’s freed from the diving bell he donned late last Friday. The courthouse is besieged by demonstrators voicing their support for the Martians. Mrs. Gabriella O’Day of Henley Hornbrook urged the crowd to “give Mars a chance.”

Officials hope to polish the robot with some sort of bronzing agent. Concetta Comedia dell Arta reporting.

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Mars Lander Visits the Leg

Sunday, June 22nd, 2008

Lesser Wallop: In a surprise move the Planet Mars dispatched a lander to examine life on earth. The three ton machine touched down in Lesser Wallop, Wellington Leg’s most glamorous suburb.  The interstellar probe set to work immediately according to Science Editor Giles Goatboy: “After a soft landing the craft deployed a stairway, several antennae, and gardening equipment. It began collecting soil samples, vegetation, and a discarded blender. There followed some whirring and banging sounds, perhaps light drilling.”

Burying the Lede: The big news, though, was the emergence of a ten foot robot from the maw of the ship. Local residents report an irresistible force field emanating from the robot. “It spoke to me,” reported Antoine “Tuffy” Tuffington of nearby Carthago Nova. “It wanted to get a library card.”

Chief Librarian Edna Ponson denied the Martian request: “Library privileges do not extend beyond our Bailiwick,” she said. “I doubt that a robot from another planet will return Led Zeppelin IV in a prompt and timely manner.”

Few can forget the last time extraterrestrials visited. One of them borrowed VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA from the Bookmobile and never returned it. “That fine approaches one million of today’s dollars,” Ms. Ponson said. “We simply won’t get fooled again.”

Hailing the Robot: To pacify the Space Monster the Wellington Leg Light Orchestra will perform a medley to include HOUSES OF THE HOLY and WHEN THE LEVEE BREAKS. Hizzoner plans to give a speech to the Martian Lander ( You Can Stay But You Gotta Pay Me Cash.) It’s not clear as of this writing whether Martians grasp the essentials of government graft. Still, it promises to make for an exciting Sunday despite the Fighting Gastropods eleven game losing streak.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Reading Solzhenitsyn at the Mall

Friday, June 20th, 2008

Prince of Denmark Shopping Center: In an effort to inject some pep into the otherwise gloomy staff of the Druidical & Literary we’ve given everyone the day off. Wellington High’s Pep Squad has free rein over the blog with its labyrinthine bells and whistles. While rumors of a newsroom coup circulate this reporter is at the mall.

Fact and fiction: The Roman Army in the New World is besieging Portland, Oregon, sources report. Staff reporter Geraldo was on the scene and filed this report. A word of caution: some of the scenes depicted here are highly improbable, possibly incendiary, and certainly appalling creating an adverb cluster and an aura of shameless melodrama.

Desperately Seeking Conan: Geraldo here, dateline, Chehalis Washington: Four Roman legions are on the move in this central Washington town after an incident at a local MacDonalds. “They came, they saw, they ordered eleven thousand Big Macs,” said sales associate Bonnie. “We invoked the ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’, Law,” Bonnie continued. “I think it’s a Law.”

It is the Law: A quick check with the Legal Department revealed that mail shirts and leather sandals do not qualify for service. “The Law is quite clear,” said an unnamed legal expert. “Bonnie was totally vindicated.”

South on Interstate Five: Ever since CONAN THE BARBARIAN ran at the Wellington Drive-In Roman commanders are convinced that Conan is our great leader. In an exclusive interview with Marcus Sevilius I learned that Conan is to be brought to Rome in chains.

Chains not required: Just a traffic reminder that chains are no longer required in the passes this June. The weather for metro Portland looks favorable this weekend, so the Romans expect to cross the Columbia River sometime Saturday.

Ten thousand ox carts may wreak havoc on Oregon highways. A word to the wise. Geraldo reporting.

Editor’s Note: Since we’re all at the mall the fact checking apparatus is questionable at best. A mail shirt is a shirt, isn’t it?

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Memo to Staff: Let Tolstoy In

Tuesday, June 17th, 2008

Wellington Leg: Rather than our usual content today ( Science on Tuesday) we are in the midst of a staff meeting. So the business of blogging is in the hands of intern Tuffy Tuffington Jr. Call it the Tuffington Post. A word of caution: the last time we turned the blog over to an intern he set Leo Tolstoy’s beard on fire. He compounded his error by dousing the flames with Dr. Pepper. Let’s hope Tuffy’s skills as an aggregator are as sound as his judgment.

Herewith the Tuffington Post: Dateline, Wellington Leg: Earl spotted on Great Jones Street: author, aristocrat, and raconteur the forty third earl was seen thumbing through a copy of Plutarch’s PARALLEL LIVES this morning. This raises fears that the earl may be working on a new novel and is seeking guidance from Plutarch whose agent, Lydia Careerbreaker, has spies everywhere. Of course the gullible among us believe that the earl has been swallowed by a blue whale. I’m not buying it!

Anyway I think the modernists would agree that Camus is your go to guy these days, not Plutarch. You know what I’m saying? Get over yourself, forty third earl!

Well, that’s the Tuffington Post. While I have control of the dashboard I’d like to shout out to Mom…hey Mom!

We interrupt the Tuffington Post. Tolstoy is in the lobby! We’ve dispatched young Tuffy downstairs to guide Tolstoy through the security gate. We share the premises with Mitch’s Moderne Hairpieces, wigmaker for the Judiciary Committee. With so many high profile Legians in need of hair, the lobby is frequently crowded. Fortunately I’ve prepared a memo to staff.

Tuffy, that’s not Leo Tolstoy. Run for your lives. He’s brought Godzilla upstairs!

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Cape Mouse

Monday, June 16th, 2008

The Piltdown Exchange: Wellington Leg’s famed literary exchange may be haunted according to reliable sources who do not wish to identified. Your reporter donned an elaborate disguise to gain access to the trading floor, the scene of a “quadruple witching” event as literary futures expire. VP of Market Specialists Tuffy Tuffington explained quadruple witching this way: “You have the Wicked Witch of the North and the Wicked Witch of the East meet South and West on the fifty yard line for the coin toss. The last time this happened instead of calling heads or tails they turned the referee into a Fig Newton.”

Careful with that Mouse, Eugene: Shortly before lunch mall security pursued a mouse onto the floor of the exchange. Captain Hook and Major Ladders captured the mouse near the Live Hog Pit but released it because it claimed to be Mighty Mouse. “He was wearing a cape,” said Hook and Ladders agreed. But then General Deschutes informed Ladders that all the mice in the building wore capes. Deschutes and Ladders resumed the chase. A quantity of Gruyere cheese was deployed to lure Mighty Mouse into the open. With crude oil rising Hook and Ladders ate the cheese before Deschutes and Ladders could spring the trap.

Quadruple Witching a Myth? Even before the mouse incident traders were nervous. Buying Interest faded after a person wearing a black hat rode a broom past the Podium. Floor specialist Zander Zeitgeist had unwrapped his baloney sandwich when a Fig Newton spoke to him. “He claimed to be a Zebra. He told me to call it in the air.”

Deschutes and Ladders took Zeitgeist into custody. “There’s no brown bagging on the floor of the Piltdown Exchange,” said Ladders who, remembering the Gruyere he’d eaten earlier, arrested himself.

A Steady Hand: General Deschutes gave the All Clear near the Rutabaga Pit. “Sometimes a Fig Newton is just a cookie,” he said.

Tuffy Tuffington Jr. reporting for the Wellington Literary Futures.

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Literary Faire Begins Site Selection

Saturday, June 14th, 2008

Yasgur’s Farm: The wet spring weather is complicating the search committee’s intense effort to find a venue for this year’s Literary Faire, sources say. In a blog post Chaire of the Faire Prudentia Chalfont Smythe had this to say: “Our preferred site, a two hundred acre expanse, is a sea of mud. To our dismay we found a large group or gaggle of hippos inside a crop circle. Mysteriously the creatures feigned indifference upon my arrival in a late model Range Rover. The frustrating part for me is we have a marvelous opportunity to have a sensible Faire this year.”

Critical Path: Prudentia continues: “One simply cannot enjoy literature in the company of a hippopotamus. As a field experiment I dispatched DCI Borchardt to traffic amongst the creatures whilst reading aloud from last year’s victorious manuscript ( HER LYRICAL POETRY). One of the hippos yawned! Another wallowed in the mire. I think the time to hesitate is through.”

Portable Hair Dryers Deployed: Prudentia writes: “We’ve arranged hair dryers around the crop circle where I envision a great dais or stage will be erected.”

Her blog post is interrupted by a jet fighter breaking the sound barrier: “Unless Brenda of Goth is brought to heel I fear she will buzz the Faire in her accursed air superiority fighter.”

“A single Wellington Leg police Yugo is an inadequate response to Brenda’s high speed antics,” Prudentia writes to Druidical & Literary’s Op Ed Page. “I demand her MIG be confiscated. I demand that the roving hippos be removed from Yasgur’s Farm. If the Literary Faire is a fiasco, as I fear, it is on your heads.”

TTFN, Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe, Chaire of the Faire.

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