Archive for June, 2008

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Duchess Demoted to Rochester

Thursday, June 12th, 2008

Wellington Leg: The Baltimore Orioles have designated our own Duchess of Wey for assignment to Triple A Rochester. The news rocked the Gastropods front office as the team returns from an 0-9 road trip that included stops in Reading, PA. and Novosebirsk. The Duchess was 2-4 with a 4.55 ERA in eight starts with the Orioles. Her finest hour came against the Yankees when she blew away Jeter, Rodriguez, and Damon with her Bugs Bunny Change-up. “She looked awesome,” said one Yankee player. “Except for the floppy hat.”

Herself Perturbed? A rider from the Imperial Messenger Service delivered the news to the Dowager Princess early this morning. In perhaps an ominous sign the Princess gathered her War cabinet who supplied her with details on the state of Maryland. “Maryland is pretty tiny,” said a palace spokesperson. “I don’t think they have a navy,” he added.

Would She Move Without the Earl? Baseball fans may recall the days when the earl patrolled center field for the Fighting Gastropods. “In three years in center he never caught a single fly,” noted Urquhart Depew. “He was sound asleep by the second inning.” In fairness to the earl sports editor Mandy Rice-Davies commented, “His sedan chair may have limited his mobility.”

Blue States, Red States: Given Wellington Leg’s current difficulties with Michigan and Ohio, war with Maryland seems remote. “We’re not afraid of the Dowager Princess,” said former Michigan resident Mitt Romney. Still, her claims to the Upper Peninsula rankle some.

Nattering Nabobs: There is a bellicose minority who demand satisfaction for the demotion of the Duchess. None of the prospects sent to the Gastropods have risen above A ball thus far. “This is Moneyball?” asked a nabob. “A bunch of guys down in Salinas?”

A Google search reveals that Rochester is a city in upstate New York. Many observers fear that the Duchess will refuse to report setting off a bean ball war. “There will be chin music before this is over,” vowed Gastropods Manager Tuffy Tuffington. “Or my name isn’t Tuffy Tuffington.”

Tuffy Tuffington Jr. reporting.

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Wellington Hybrid Unveiled

Tuesday, June 10th, 2008

Near the Historic Rotunda: Towne officials unveiled the Earl’s latest industrial triumph, the “Wellbryd” a hybrid vehicle intended to replace the internal combustion engine. The unveiling ceremony proceeded without the forty third earl who was either swallowed by a blue whale or lounging at the Harvard Club, sources say.

With no carbon emissions and incredible fuel economy the Wellbryd will be at the top of everyone’s shopping list this summer predicted longtime spokesman for the earl, Lars Kierkegaard. “I plan to purchase one myself,” Lars said. This reporter noted, however, that Lars crossed his fingers behind his back as he spoke perhaps indicative of latent skepticism.

Ox and Driver: the Wellbryd is scheduled to appear on the cover of next month’s Ox and Driver Magazine an influential periodical published in Henley Hornbrook. “We like the sleek lines, the opposing mirrors, and the racing stripe along the flank of the hybrid,” said Martin Sullivan editor in chief.

Point, Counterpoint: Embittered dogsbody Urquhart Depew, switched at birth with the earl and denied a legacy of wealth and high performance cars, was quick to criticize the Wellbryd. “If you look at the Wellbryd carefully, you’ll see it’s just an ox with mirrors glued on its head. The earl did not invent the ox. He took a pre-existing design and made a few modifications.”

Test Drive? Preorders for the Wellbryd are pouring in. Marcus Sevilius, Roman commander in the New World, wants twelve hundred units pronto. “We’re having the owner’s manual translated into Latin,” said a Wellbryd spokesperson. The Romans insist on hitching wagons to their prototype.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting for Wellington Science Tuesday.

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Lemonade Stand a Big Success

Monday, June 9th, 2008

Wellington Leg: Eugenia’s Lemonade Stand on the corner of Mincing Words Lane and Shredded Lettuce Street was a rousing success. Cashier Marge reported that sales were brisk in the morning session despite rumors that the Dallas Fed used the R word in a press release. “We collected four dollars in the morning,” Marge said. Things really heated up toward noon when Eugenia began auctioning 2year, 5year, and 10 year notes along with ginger snaps and a MIg 23 air superiority fighter. “We cleared about seven million after lunch,” Marge said.

Hamlet Flies a MIG: The MIG 23 bore the NATO designation Flogger. It’s top speed is fifteen hundred miles per hour. The MIG may have been sold at a garage sale earlier this month according to DCI Borchardt. “The Wellington Players are producing HAMLET FLIES A MIG at the Theater on the Green,” he reported. The play re imagines Hamlet during the Cold War.

Chasing the MIG: Bargain hunter Brenda of Goth raced down the suburban streets of Henley Hornbrook before entering the 405 Freeway at eleven hundred miles per hour. She’d pulled over at a convenience store for gas and a Big Gulp when she noticed police cars everywhere. Returning to the cockpit with her drink Brenda began playing with the toggle switches before revving to military power.

“She hit the afterburners and launched a missile,” Borchardt said.

Update from the Earl: Roland, the bartender at The Baltimore Grill, reported receiving a text message from the earl shortly before lunch. The actual message was lost after the popular bar was struck by an air to air missile. Police theorize that the missile may have been the same one launched by Brenda of Goth. In addition to leveling the Baltimore Grill the missile singed the coat of Mister Reynolds, a prize winning Standard Poodle.

The earl published a monograph last year entitled The MIG at your Garage Sale, a cautionary tale. A tattered copy of the essay was located in a cardboard box beneath Eugenia’s lemonade stand. “If only Brenda of Goth had read the essay before driving off in a MIG,” DCI Borchardt said. He cited the lemonade stand for creating a public nuisance.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Call Him a Plutocrat, But He’s not from Pluto

Friday, June 6th, 2008

Wellington Leg: Every fourth Friday or so the imaginary staff of the Druidical & Literary assemble for a round up of sorts. We bash through the literary news of world, collate it, aggregate it, and, of course, distort it or modify it so that regular readers, many of whom are not human, may have the opportunity to enjoy a bit of respite before examining the outer limits of cyberspace as is their wont and custom. Frankly my hat is off to the googlebots and web crawlers: you may be robots but you keep coming back for more.

I know that the human readers among you often wonder what this blog is about. No less a body than the American Drycleaners Association once claimed this blog as one of their own. The truth is rather tawdry: it is simply the blog of an author who, tiring of serious work, knocks out the most ridiculous things he can think of in an effort to return to his serious work. It works for me, it works for many in the former eastern bloc and Warsaw Pact nations although I do wonder why. I console myself with the thought that this is an audience who doesn’t understand a word I say. Sometimes I feel bad that somewhere in Silicon Valley inanimate creatures are archiving my posts storing them in great server farms keeping them cool in the summer dry in the winter and probably drawing us that much closer to peak oil impending chaos whirring and chirping in robotic harmony. Of course if a great meteor strikes the earth wiping us all out we will have a record for future generations to ponder after they go through the usual dinosaur cave dwelling phase to discover The Server Farm.

This blog is much like the Volkswagen Woody Allen discovers in Sleeper. Centuries from now it may serve as a template for a new civilization, a kind of feudalistic  blend of myth and legend, confusion, rebellion, chaos, and a few laughs. It will stay cool in the summer, dry in the winter and will please our great leader, Dr. Pepper.

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Leg Rattles Saber

Thursday, June 5th, 2008

Wellington Leg: French warships have intercepted the podcast launched by the forty third earl early yesterday. The frigates Lafarge and Moliere outmaneuvered Legian ships under the command of Sea Lord and talk radio host Vicious Sid in a battle that lasted several minutes. Wellington Leg threatened to recall its ambassador to the Quai Dorsay: “We will recall our ambassador as soon we recall who that individual is,” said a spokesperson for the palace. Someone from Wellington Leg traveled to Paris several years ago to research a book about Herself in the Early Years but ran out of money. “This person went to debtor’s prison and may have been guillotined,” the announcement read.

Our Fleet: Where was Our Fleet? As they rowed toward the drop zone the crew of HMS Bristol Stomp sensed naval disadvantage. “We started the outboard when the Moliere fired a shot across our bow. There was a big splash.”

The big splash, of course, was the pod reentering earth’s atmosphere hurtling toward the churning waves of Gastropod Alley at speeds exceeding seven hundred miles per hour. The precious artifact, evidence of the earl’s reckless disregard for his own safety, fell into the hands of the Moliere’s crew. “This is a historic moment,” said Commander Guy from the forecastle: “We now possess actual video of life inside a whale’s belly.”

Pirated versions of the podcast reveal the earl snoozing in a leather club chair deep inside the great whale. “It looks as though the whale swallowed the Harvard Club,” noted one pundit. The grainy quality of the video cast doubt on reports that whales write notes to other whales.  A quick call to New York confirmed that the Harvard Club was still there. “We’re fine. We have chilled salmon on the menu today.”

The Harvard Club is members only.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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I Know You are. But What am I?

Wednesday, June 4th, 2008

Wellington Leg: Tired of name calling, back stabbing and vicious innuendo? I’m not either, that’s why I continue watching all the political drama unfolding on the small screen. Now that Barack Obama is the official candidate of the Democratic party all of Wellington Leg and environs may thrill to the inevitable pause before the conventions.

My Face: Demographically I should be a prime target of John McCain’s Republican machine. Fit me for a pair of geezer jeans and cut my taxes, John! Preserve the current capital gains structure. Let’s not formulate an energy policy because like most people I enjoy being blackmailed by third world and emerging nations. Just bring it on. Obama has to stop making sense and there’s no time like the present.

Scare Me, Bleed Me, Bludgeon Me, Deny Me Healthcare: Maybe McCain will ask Dick Cheney to remain on board as the Veep for Four More Years. This will provide the continuity we all crave ( look at him in the mirror breathing…what is happening in his head?) Yeah, you guessed it: McCain needs a rock opera because his opponent is bright and articulate ( his disciples lead him in he just does the rest.) Hey, Pete Townshend I’m looking at you.

Crazy Flipper Fingers: Many in Wellington Leg are uncertain how to vote. Some of them are struggling to understand the Joba Rules let alone the arcane nominating process beloved by the major parties. Go ahead fill out your All Star ballots without fear of intimidation. Yes, you can write in Jose Canseco on your ballot. Remember that he’s now a famous author.

Things to look for this summer: John McCain finishes a major speech, announces that it’s a free concert from now on, grabs a Fender from an aging hippy, and scorches through forty minutes of SHINE ON YOU CRAZY DIAMOND. Then he smashes the guitar, kicks the amps and explains his monetary policy. Don’t call John a geezer.

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Whale Caper A Publicity Stunt?

Monday, June 2nd, 2008

Wellington Leg: News that the forty third earl will be podcasting from the belly of a blue whale is raising eyebrows this morning. Less than a week ago the author of VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA was reported swallowed by a Sharpie wielding “monster of the deep.” Reports are circulating that the earl was seen visiting Lenin’s Tomb, shopping in Prague, driving a cab on the Grand Central Parkway. Page Seven believes he attended the Cannes Film Festival disguised as a drama critic.

Whale Podcasting: while in its infancy whale podcasting is not much different than other whale related activities. “In order to cast the pod from a moving object one simply takes into account the forward velocity of the creature, the curve of the earth, and prevailing winds,” noted Professor Moriarity, the man often accused of killing Sherlock Holmes. “The spoken word is etched onto a disk or pod then ejected through the whale’s blow hole.”

This reporter had the presence of mind to interview Lars Kierkegaard Publicist of Doom at his Ballard atelier. Lars was contemplating rotor wear on the rear brakes of a Volvo 240 d sedan when I popped the question: “Was the earl swallowed by a whale and, if so, was it a mechanical whale?”

The two part question seemed to stump the man often called the publicist’s publicist. He showed me a dorsal fin fashioned from composite materials to be incorporated on modern jetliners. Lars then demonstrated by launching mechanical salmon from the Fish Ladder: “Ja, it’s conceivable to build a whale in your garage,” he admitted. “The question is why? That’s always the question.”

Unfortunately the mechanical salmon were eaten by a mechanical sea lion. “Nature is merciless,” Lars observed.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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