Archive for August, 2008

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Literary Faire Sets Record

Saturday, August 30th, 2008

Wellington Leg: A large crowd filled Gastropod Stadium in the hopes of hearing the forty third earl’s flowing acceptance speech. This reporter sat in the tenth row with a group of off-duty Googlebots who seemed excited to be outdoors. Also on hand for the ceremony was Eugenia Phaeton and her mother. The hedge fund manager is looking forward to the fourth grade this year and hopes to liquidate her massive position in Frannie and Zooey at favorable terms.

Earl Tipped Over? A collective gasp was audible when the Smythe Award for Narrative Nonfiction was unveiled by master of ceremonies Consul Marius and his orchestra. The massive trophy was carried on to the dais by none other than Hercules accompanied by a squad of wrestlers from Wellington Greco-Roman. Big Herc delivered the trophy but in the process knocked over the earl’s folding chair sending the award winning author into the mosh pit near center stage.

Reversal of Fortune: With all eyes on the spotlit stage award presenter Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe reminded everyone that if the earl did not accept the award the coveted Smythe would be presented to the First Runner Up, a Mister Mann, Commander in Chief of Mall Security. Prudentia gave the earl five minutes to regain his lofty perch.

Gripping Melodrama: Meanwhile off stage the earl was being passed toward the center field fence ever further from the stage. With the minutes ticking by a clear headed fan loaded the earl into a home run cannon and lit the fuse.

Incoming: Mere seconds before the bemedaled Mall Boss rose to his feet the cannon fired sending the earl in a parabolic arc above the cheering crowd. Prudentia fainted, saved from serious injury by Big Herc as the earl began his descent toward literary fame. He landed with a tuck and roll in the Hemingway style before leaping to his feet arms raised in triumph.

Hundreds of bots rushed the stage probably due to some programming error just as Big Herc delivered the Smythe to the guest of honor. Staggering beneath the weight of the mighty trophy the earl fell off the stage a second time coming to rest near a French Horn.

“Next year we will conduct a more dignified Faire,” said organizer Mrs. Dalloway. “I don’t think literature and bodily injury go hand and glove,” she added.

Geraldo reporting.

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More of What You’re Looking For

Wednesday, August 27th, 2008

Wellington Leg: A quick scan of searches that lead to this blog have been made into a report, neatly typed and sent upstairs where management remains in a constant huddle fretting about what you want, dear reader. Sometimes the aura of consternation becomes a miasma…sometimes just a mist. Of course the beauty of giving you what you want is offset by the realization that we gave you what you wanted or Google wouldn’t have led you here in the first place. So, in a sense, you’re searching for something you’ve already found and I’m writing a report to say that having found the thing you were searching for, you’ve returned to find it again.

A few years ago there were several references on this blog to lederhosen. What this has to do with literature is beyond me but in fact remains that I brought it up, you searched for it and were brought here in the hopes of learning more about lederhosen, who wears it, perhaps wondering if you should wear it or associate with people who do. Well, the truth is the blog posts referred to a Lederhosen Ban here in Wellington Leg. The Internet is not capable of judging whether a blog is for or against lederhosen only that it was discussed. If you’re looking for Lederhosen Facts you’ve come to the wrong place. Maybe I should have stated that right up front.

We are complicit in the Lederhosen misunderstanding and do apologize. While management is content with this explanation I fear that by mentioning Lederhosen again the entire cycle will repeat and with bandwidth expansion occurring at an exponential rate this topic is forever enshrined as a footnote or codicil to literary blogging a rude testimony to the drawbacks of ordinary citizens expressing themselves.

Let that be the final word about you know what. I don’t want to mention it again for fear of setting off some sort of algorithmic data implosion down at the robot farm. They’re plenty busy down there as it is. I think we humans have a greater responsibility not to torture the robots or exploit their inability to distinguish between a casual reference and a work of Lederhosen scholarship.

TTFN, The Management.

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Mystery Solved

Monday, August 25th, 2008

Wellington Leg: Investigators now believe that Garrison Smythe may have been waving to a tank vendor shortly before his untimely demise at Gastropod Stadium. Mr. Smythe was a scion of the Smythe family developers of the Smythe Oven or toaster as its known in the vernacular. He was the developer of the Double Smythe capable of making four pieces of toast at once and the Ultra Smythe a commercial strength toaster used by NASA to launch Pop Tarts into space enabling Wellonauts to remain in orbit indefinitely. Detractors point out that orbiting Pop Tarts are now a menace; ironically Mr. Smythe was killed by a convertible sofa returning from deep space.

A Crackdown is Planned: Authorities have concluded that Garrison Smythe was waving to a vendor during the seventh inning stretch. “He had plenty of peanuts and cracker jacks,” said DCI Borchardt. “He wanted a T-72 main battle tank.” Although he refused to speak on the record Stadium Security Chief Mister Mann showed your reporter a dozen Russian tanks parked beneath the Red Seats in the left field bleachers. A vendor fled as we approached although before running away he threw a hot dog to me from forty yards away.

Bad Baseball Leads to Arms Dealing: Large Russian armor must clear waivers before being repurchased according to Professor Moriarty who has written extensively about bad baseball and the black market in Soviet era weapons on the diamond. In fact police are still seeking a MIG 21 air superiority fighter believed purchased at a garage sale by Brenda of Goth. “Brenda attended a twinight doubleheader before she bought the MIG,” Moriarty said. “She saw some terrible baseball and soon after took to the skies.”

Gastropods manager Tuffy Tuffington is feeling the heat. “I went to the mound for a pitching change and noticed our new pitcher entering the field in an armored personnel carrier. I thought it was a good idea at the time but now I’m not so sure.”

Relief pitchers are often pelted with rotting vegetables as they enter the game. This year’s record breaking rhubarb harvest has only made things worse at the stadium.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Literary Award Snafu

Sunday, August 24th, 2008

Wellington Leg: The Literary Faire suffered an embarrassment this weekend after judges awarded the coveted Narrative Nonfiction Award to the Earl of Watership Down for his submission of a 1984 Volvo owner’s manual. “We thought the extended warranty section was both poetic and quixotic,” said Judge Hamilcar Barca a retired Carthaginian general. “I was moved by the drivetrain description,” he added. None of the other judges granted an interview citing Russian tanks as the principle obstacle to serious discussion.

Coveted Statuette: The Smythe Trophy for Narrative Nonfiction stands a remarkable eleven feet tall and is sheathed in genuine Durabubble a miracle product similar in texture to an electric eel. A small percentage of the population experience an electrical shock when touching the Smythe Trophy thus the Committee is urging passersby to avoid grabbing the Smythe or urging others to do so. Regular readers may recall that the statuette vanished under mysterious circumstances after a Viking raid several years ago. The charred remains of a Viking helmet presented the only clue to the mystery. Portuguese explorers located the Smythe Trophy off the coast of Peru after being shipwrecked on a deserted island.

Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe is the widow of Garrison Smythe for whom the bell tolled during the seventh inning stretch one fateful afternoon. Mr. Smythe succumbed to injuries sustained after he was struck by space debris near the home dugout while signaling to a vendor.  “It remains unclear what my husband wanted from the vendor,” Prudentia said. “The nearest of these service people was a rock dealer.”

Though disgusted with the judges Chalfont-Smythe promises to present the trophy without expressing her simmering resentment at the earl’s victory. “One can hardly believe that an Owners Manual however well written is worthy of the Smythe,” she said. Her supporters threaten a demonstration during the award ceremony to be held during the middle of the night at the Dunkin Donuts on Great Chesterfield Street.

Indentured Servant Urquhart Depew reporting.

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New Index Measures Absurdity

Thursday, August 21st, 2008

Wellington Leg: After decades of trial and error The Absurdity Volatility Index or AVI has been launched by Wellington Research Laboratories. The index which is rendered by using a toilet plunger and an outboard motor opened at a reading of 345. Scientists and casual observers note that a reading of 90, last recorded during the Dark Ages, was thought to represent Peak Absurdity Theory, ie the notion that things cannot be more absurd than a reading of 90 without damaging the solar system.

Reductio ad Absurdem: No one is more familiar with absurdity than the Forty Third Earl. His theory DUCKS IN A ROW revealed the difficulty of duck wrangling compounded by a presidential election campaign. In a series of experiments he exposed the ducks to attack ads especially ads involving late night phone calls. Many ducks have opted out of phone service while others have no idea what time it is. As a demonstration the earl dialed duck leaders at three am and again at four in the afternoon. The ducks did not answer either call!

Volatility a Problem: The earl then rushed headlong into a pond creating an “invasion scenario” disrupting communications between duck leaders and ordinary ducks. The All Ordinary Index a component of the AVI fluctuated until the water was over his head. Once submerged the earl became flora as far as ordinary ducks were concerned and volatility waned.

He is Rescued by a Small Craft: Once plucked from the murky depths the earl resumed his attempts to measure absurdity this time analyzing the behavior of fish. “They swim back and forth,” he noted. “Why?”

In an unsettling note the AVI rose to 435 after it became clear that ducks resent bumper stickers. For example a BUSH-CHENEY 04 sticker rolled off the duck’s back. Others used their bills to peck away at the soggy remains. Plans to install bumper stickers on other fowl are currently in abeyance.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Cone of Silence was Empty

Monday, August 18th, 2008

Wellington Leg: When word arrived in towne that feisty Arizona senator John McCain may have slipped out of Rick Warren’s Cone of Silence, city inspectors fanned out across the Bailiwick to inspect our own cones. In an exclusive to the Druidical & Literary Goth Bureau Chief T. Rex Love-Handles spent a week inside a cone near Henley Hornbrook. He filed this report despite the auditory deprivation he experienced while “coned.”

Cone of Silence 17: Cone 17 is typical of a cone of silence resembling as it does the inverted yield curve. As a test I entered the cone while moderator Rick Warren posed questions to Senator Barrack Obama. I pressed my ear against the wall and heard Senator Obama sing “If I were a Rich Man.” Wow, he has a good voice.

Then I overheard Senator McCain plans to invade Florida! How can I get my scoop to the outside world from in here? I wondered. I was hoping that cub reporter Tuffy Tuffington could help out. Later I learned he was trapped inside the Double Cone with Two Scoops he couldn’t report either.

Cone Improvement Plan: A consortium of international construction and engineering firms are preparing bids for Triple Cone membranes made from durable Big Gulp containers and space debris. City Manager Freiherr Graf von Sitzbaedchen wants to use porcelain inlays to defeat possible cheating by cone of silence occupants. “We locked Hizzoner inside a porcelain throne room,” he said. “Then we told jokes about him.”

Hizzoner didn’t hear a thing. “That’s a marvelous cone of silence technology,” he said. “But it’s way too expensive.”

Cone of Silence inspections will continue for several weeks. Geraldo reporting for Silence is Golden.

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Big Spider Ends Counterattack

Sunday, August 17th, 2008

Wellington Leg: Not far from the Imperial Bunker Wellington Leg Defense forces launched a counterattack designed to drive the disabled invaders from home soil. With Wellbryds in the lead the home side hefted their pitchforks and donned their protective head gear on loan from the Fighting Gastropods. Buoyed by the latest Tuffington Post and by martial music blaring from the Royal Hi Fi things looked good until the force marched onto the Alderspike Highway where one of the men in the lead formation saw a “really big spider.”

How Big is Really Big? For a towne that has confronted Godzilla at a book signing a spider conjures no fear among local residents. None of the “Wellbryds” who are really oxen with mirrors taped to their heads, seemed alarmed despite their aversion to most arachnids. “Wellbryds get excellent mileage but tend to rear or stall when a spider enters their field of vision,” explained Professor Moriarity. “Half ton Chevy pickups have the edge in this regard,” he added.

Scouts Disagree: With the column halted Prinz Eugen ordered literary scouts to ride forth into the brush and bramble in search of the spider in question. A Russian artillery barrage may have killed the spider according to the lead scout Mr. Hazy. “I saw a bomb crater the size of bathtub, man,” he said. Spiders are notorious for their enjoyment of bathtubs but in this case none were visible.

Summoning the Earl: Exhausted from autographing hundreds of armored vehicles the forty third earl nevertheless interrupted his middle nap to search for the spider. It should be noted that middle nap is a crucial time for the earl since his most creative ideas occur shortly after he wakes up. Sources say he invented the Wellbryd after one such nap inspired by the arrival in his garden of a solitary mirrored ox.

Until the spider is located an informal truce is in effect.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Tuffington Post: Plundering Alpha

Friday, August 15th, 2008

Wellington Leg: Seeking an exciting new angle on the Russian invasion D&L reporter Tuffy Tuffington has been studying Cyrillic spam and the war’s effect on global stock markets. Tuffy is imbedded with motorized units of Russian infantry as they prowl the countryside rooting out potential enemies. One such encounter is detailed here in a Special Tuffington Post smuggled out of the combat zone by angry supporters of Hillary Clinton. Portions of the text have been deleted by military censors others redacted to prevent revanchist running dogs from subverting the truth. Tuffy is disguised as a fourteen year old Chinese gymnast for purposes not entirely clear to this reporter. Here, then, the Tuffington Post:

Wow, these shoes are tight. I should have brought an extra pair but I wasn’t sure how many pairs of shoes a Chinese gymnast might carry into a combat zone. You know sometimes you try on shoes and you’re wearing thick socks then you get them home and put on thin socks and the fit is all wrong. I think that’s what happened here among the mechanized infantry units approaching Alpha. Some of the soldiers are asking me questions in Chinese…I should have thought this disguise through a little bit better.

Though italicized for emphasis this passage hardly begins to describe the plundering of Alpha. Tuffy continues:

I am concealed behind a main battle tank as we approach Alpha. The Russians are congratulating me on the gold medal in gymnastics, setting up some uneven bars for me to demonstrate my gymnastic ability. This is going to be a crucial test for me and if I win their trust I’ll be accepted in the unit. I’ve got to stick the landing, I know that. Stick the landing. Even in these shoes.

Wish me luck, Tuffy Tuffington.

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Rumble

Thursday, August 14th, 2008

Carthago Nova: The Russian Invasion ground to a halt near this picturesque village in the Vale of the White Mouse. The lead column of tanks and armored vehicles suffered during an encounter with the forty third earl who, according to witnesses, defaced every tank with his swift orange Sharpie. “He was a whirling dervish,” said former D&L Intern Heather Demedici. “He made orange marks on all their stuff.”

Geraldo’s Account: “The Russians drove west for three kilometers before the earl galloped into view. He dismounted and appeared to taunt the invaders with some sort of poetry reading…then he rushed forward with his Sharpie and began scribbling on the lead tank. He darted between the tanks leaving a similar mark before vanishing into a fog bank…”

Boris Bemused? Colonel General Commander Field Marshall Boris Dustov inspected a total of fifty tanks before concluding that the orange markings were actually an autograph. “I think he has signed our tanks making them unreturnable and voiding their warranty,” Dustov said. New armor will move to the front but the day is lost. “We will camp here,” Dustov said.

A Police Matter: Carthago Nova has a strict No Camping ordinance. Mrs. Edna Mayhew of Pouncing Primate Close filed a police report complaining that “Russian troops are camping and creating a nuisance.” Fortified with a warrant DCI Borchardt bicycled from Towne to commence an immediate investigation. However he suffered a flat tire en route to the scene leaving his bicycle to continue on foot. Borchardt noticed his police slicker had an orange mark on the sleeve. “The earl has gone too far,” he fumed.

The Russians fired a salvo from their field guns at the disappearing figure of the earl. “I think we got him,” Dustov said. The Field Marshall held a copy of VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA high in his hand. “You want rumble, Mister Earl? Come and get it.”

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Russia Invades Wellington Leg

Tuesday, August 12th, 2008

Great Wellington Aerodrome: On a slow news day the Mother of all the Russias sent armored columns to crush the breakaway republic of Wellington Leg. Notified of the hostilities The Dowager Princess dispatched riders from the Imperial Messenger Service to raise the alarm and alert the media. The Palace issued the following statement: “Wellington Leg will not roll over before the might of the Russias. Herself is both aggravated and aggrieved, anxious and anticipatory. However once her champion, The Earl, awakens from his slumber, he will punish the invaders as is his custom.”

Media Response: Wellington Leg TV gathered its most attractive anchor people to an emergency meeting during the Miss Wellington Beauty Pageant. “If the Russians disrupt our pageant we’re going to complain to Miss Universe,” vowed Anchor Tom Teeth. “Lots of people have spent lotsa time on personal grooming. We can’t look this good and cover a war.”

CNN declined to cover the invasion citing a sex scandal that ended two years ago but is still compelling TV journalism. What did Hillary Clinton know of the Edwards Affair? What would she have done if she had known? Why didn’t someone call her at three am to tell her?

The Earl Awakens: Understanding the post Soviet attitude toward aristocrats the Earl cut short his morning nap ordering his batmen to assemble his fearsome fighting attire. Borrowing from John McCain the earl shadow boxed in front of the mirror frightening a manservant. “Those Russians better run,” said Urquhart Depew. “The Earl is awake!”

Our Forces Mass: The Wellington Defense Force cheered as the earl mounted his trusty steed Mrs. Peel, and hefted his bright orange Sharpie. He used the Sharpie and a telestrator to outline his plan to blunt the Russian advance. A live video of the display is on its way to Moscow. “Let Catherine the Great download the streaming video,” he cried as his troops cheered.

A copy of the video is speeding toward CNN’s Atlanta headquarters.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting from the field.

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