Wellington Leg: Investigators now believe that Garrison Smythe may have been waving to a tank vendor shortly before his untimely demise at Gastropod Stadium. Mr. Smythe was a scion of the Smythe family developers of the Smythe Oven or toaster as its known in the vernacular. He was the developer of the Double Smythe capable of making four pieces of toast at once and the Ultra Smythe a commercial strength toaster used by NASA to launch Pop Tarts into space enabling Wellonauts to remain in orbit indefinitely. Detractors point out that orbiting Pop Tarts are now a menace; ironically Mr. Smythe was killed by a convertible sofa returning from deep space.
A Crackdown is Planned: Authorities have concluded that Garrison Smythe was waving to a vendor during the seventh inning stretch. “He had plenty of peanuts and cracker jacks,” said DCI Borchardt. “He wanted a T-72 main battle tank.” Although he refused to speak on the record Stadium Security Chief Mister Mann showed your reporter a dozen Russian tanks parked beneath the Red Seats in the left field bleachers. A vendor fled as we approached although before running away he threw a hot dog to me from forty yards away.
Bad Baseball Leads to Arms Dealing: Large Russian armor must clear waivers before being repurchased according to Professor Moriarty who has written extensively about bad baseball and the black market in Soviet era weapons on the diamond. In fact police are still seeking a MIG 21 air superiority fighter believed purchased at a garage sale by Brenda of Goth. “Brenda attended a twinight doubleheader before she bought the MIG,” Moriarty said. “She saw some terrible baseball and soon after took to the skies.”
Gastropods manager Tuffy Tuffington is feeling the heat. “I went to the mound for a pitching change and noticed our new pitcher entering the field in an armored personnel carrier. I thought it was a good idea at the time but now I’m not so sure.”
Relief pitchers are often pelted with rotting vegetables as they enter the game. This year’s record breaking rhubarb harvest has only made things worse at the stadium.
T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.