Archive for August, 2008

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Play Musty for Me

Saturday, August 9th, 2008

Prince of Denmark Shopping Centre: Wellington Leg’s indie film industry is profiling their new releases this weekend at the Octoplex. Under federal mandate Wellington Leg must produce a new movie every three days or risk losing important government subsidies. Director of Mall Security Vlad wants to remind everyone that the No Candy from Outside will be strictly enforced and may include indiscriminate aerial bombardment. Here then, the program:

Play Musty for Me: A Seattle realtor is killing her competition with chocolate chip cookies laced with octopus poison. Police become suspicious when her late model Hummer emerges from Elliot Bay with a condo from the Cretaceous Period offering no money down. Some violence and improbable dinosaur references.

Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore Although Her Mail Still Comes: Darkly Danish the futuristic story features a Beverley Hills realtor killing his competition with Remodeling Glue. Police become suspicious after his late model Hummer is overcome by fumes. Subtitled. Four hours long.

Fachwerk Orange: South Florida developers are turning orange and no one knows why. After a Boca Raton minimart bursts into flames police turn to nine year old computer hacker Bosh LaBosh who locates the mad Doctor Orange twenty thousand leagues under the sea. Parents are strongly cautioned but everyone else should be fine.

Colonel Kangaroo and the Valley of Death: Newly promoted Kangaroo leads a team of forensic scientists through seventy pages of Cheesecake Factory’s menu before ordering Buffalo Wings. Highly introspective. Featuring Bosh LaBosh and a flotilla of calories. Kangaroo faces the prospect of plummeting oil prices and a menu more complex than Das Kapital.

Check the Druidical & Literary for show times.

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Amazon Home Delivery for Klatu

Wednesday, August 6th, 2008

Wellington Leg: Further evidence of the Martian Menace was revealed today after Amazon Home Delivery arrived at the Mars Lander with a delivery. “The fact that they’ve opened an account with Amazon indicates they are adapting to life in Wellington Leg,” said noted authority Snidely Whiplash. Mr. Whiplash is a retired entertainment industry figure who correctly predicted the entry of Paris Hilton into the presidential race.

Klatu Does the Shopping: Delivery driver “K” told this reporter “he was scared to death” making the routine stop in Centennial Park. “This was a big order and I asked the space monster for a major credit card or something. That red eye opened and scanned me into his retinal field.”

Festive Lighting: Among the items ordered were an array of red and blue light bulbs probably intended for Klatu’s internal laser system. Mindy from West Seattle theorized that the different color light bulbs may reflect Klatu’s mood: “Sometimes he’s all red and stuff and wants to destroy. Then he turns blue.” Amazon Lightbulbs doesn’t stock green ones, and tried delivering yellow bulbs as a substitute. Rumors of a pink bulb proved unfounded although “Bubble Gum Cloud” is in stock and available now.

Books Included: Klatu ordered Edward Wright’s DAMNATION FALLS and a copy of Jasper Fforde’s TUESDAY NEXT. “I think he wants to be an Amazon reviewer,” said Eddie Parker of Eddie’s Book Nook. Eddie has his own delivery service and is anxious to develop the Martian account. “Klatu reads a book every forty five seconds,” Eddie said. “He just devoured Sports Illustrated.”

Citizens Cautioned: Although Amazon delivery driver “K” appears to be fine the encounter with Klatu has altered his political affiliations. “Before I was like indifferent or whatever,” he confided. “Now I’m a Whig.”

As luck would have it our own Forty Third Earl is the Whig candidate for President.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Dream Ticket: Obama-McCain

Monday, August 4th, 2008

Wellington Leg: What follows is not the hard hitting journalism you’ve become accustomed to here at One More Bite of the Apple. Our Op-Ed page is open to anyone who lives in Wellington Leg, owns or plans to own an exotic bird, and enjoys access to the Internet through the Earl’s Own Telephony and Dial-Up Service or two tin cans and an RSS feed. As a note of caution some of the text is written in HTML. You may wish to don your three d glasses before proceeding.

This Day in Politics: It’s becoming increasingly clear that John McCain is angling for a spot on the Obama ticket as Obama’s Vice President. Advantages of an Obama-McCain dream ticket are considerable. Once together the Obama-McCain team can run ads against Ralph Nader, a third party candidate whose credentials speak for themselves. They can run attack ads on Ron Paul who may or may not be in the race, but whose ideas appeal to youthful voters. Or Obama-McCain can opt to do nothing at all except take in a Cubs game together, sing during the seventh inning stretch, and wave to the crowd. When it comes to throwing out the first pitch, Obama can defer to McCain or they can alternate in a lefty righty middle innings wipeout of a flailing Mitt Romney.

Meeting in the Middle: Voters of all stripes will find Obama-McCain an unbeatable combo this fall. On election night Larry King will get to bed at a decent hour while Florida’s Secretary of State can rest easy, maybe go fishing. Our own Dowager Princess, not a fan of democracy, will offer Obama-McCain her territories in Michigan as a gesture of good faith.

Drilling Program: Mrs. Candace O’Hare of Colgate Hill struck a natural gas seam two thousand feet below her rutabaga patch. Under an Obama-McCain administration Mrs. O’Hare would have exclusive mineral rights to her land, receive a very large TV (VLTV) win a week with the earl and have an airport named after her. Mrs. O’Hare is recruiting roughnecks to drill in Burnham Wood where paranormal investigators located John McCain’s campaign strategy earlier this week near a rove of streaming video.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting for Politics on Monday.

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Writing Pill Nears Approval

Sunday, August 3rd, 2008

Wellington Leg: Researchers at the Big Box Institute near Goth are close to perfecting a writing pill, sources say. The pill was tested on mice writing memoirs and novels. A startling 67% of the mice thought they had finished writing a book, 23% said they almost finished 4% thought Paris Hilton is running for president and one mouse refused to make any comment at all. Mice with writers block were forced into a lengthy discussion of the Mets bullpen. 11% of those mice thought that Paris Hilton is a current member of the Mets roster.

Human Testing: Since 670,000 mice broke out of the laboratory over the weekend various other creatures have been given the Writers Pill according to Doc Holliday who administers the program. Rabbits did extremely well with a solid 56% believing they were typing when they were actually dozing, another 18% enjoying the Colbert Report while many others facing their fear of Elmer Fudd for perhaps the first time.

A Simple Plan: To round up the escaped mice sheriff’s deputies staked out Minnie’s a local bar noted for its tiny treadmills and test tube shooters. To enhance their vigilance the deputies and assorted volunteers were given the Writer’s Pill and a straight shot of Jack Daniels. A whopping 71% of those polled believed they had arrested the runaway mice, 12% said Barack Obama is a Muslim while a troubling 44% reported difficulty counting that many mice.

One Pill Makes You Larger: The Writing Pill has several side effects. Book reviewers turn up their noses at books written by mice especially when the book isn’t written. Oprah is not interested and for many life outside the lab is simply too demanding. The Re-Write Pill can reverse some of the effects but so far only 14% of the subjects believe they are rewriting.

There is a large reward for the capture of the runaway mice.

T. Tex Love-Handles reporting.

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Triumphant Return? You be the Judge

Friday, August 1st, 2008

Wellington Leg: Apparently the earl’s luggage exceeded weight limits as the great blue whale expelled the author of VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA along with the suite of furniture he rode in on. Local residents complained of furniture “falling from the sky” in numerous phone calls to the Flying Squad. Constable Constable was on duty late last night when the initial call came in: “I was three blocks from Dunkin Donuts when I got the squeal,” he wrote. “A gentleman complained that his Schnauzer was forging an Amazon review on an antique escritoire.”

Pre-Rafaelite Doodling? Constable is also Wellington PD’s resident sketch artist. He displayed his rendering of the Schnauzer: “As you can plainly see the dog is posting an anonymous review…his paws are poised over the keyboard in a furtive manner. He is listening to a police scanner.”

Louis Quatorze in the dog house? Police recovered a massive and ornate “secretaire” from the Schnauzer’s palatial dog house. “It is very probably the object of art that the earl rode to safety after being launched homeward by the whale,” noted Professor Moriarity. “One supposes a parabolic longitudinal aspect to his dramatic reentry.”

Allegedly “Parnassus”the dog in question seized control of the blog One More Bite of the Apple making a series of entries that called into question whether humans can read or write. Fortunately while trying to press enter with his chin Parnassus  struck eject and was launched skyward before coming to rest on Mrs. Ahearn’s prize winning antimacassar.  Parnassus enjoyed a glass of Jameson’s and a game of scrabble before the Flying Squad arrived.

Constable Constable drew a portrait of Parnassus before taking him into custody.

“The skies over Wellington Leg are furniture free,” Constable said.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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