Wellington Flyover: Scientists with binoculars are gathered in Middle Wallop fearful that the dormant volcano Mount BS may erupt at any moment. “The increasing pressure from the volume of BS threatens to create seismic events,” Doctor Welby said from a nearby ridgeline. “Lava will flow,” he added. He recorded the activities of a singular moose and a flying squirrel to conclude the animal kingdom is already heading for the exits.
Political Reaction: The Bull Moose Party is quick to point out that the rising level of BS inside the mountain is normal. Armed with a twelve ich ruler and a Dick Cheney thermos Bull Moose spokesperson Randy Right leapt from a helicopter for a first hand look at the caldera. “You can see where the BS level rose to during the last election cycle,” Randy said. He then measured the superheated gases emanating from fissures in the logic stream. “See? We’re okay.”
Locals Uncertain: Fact checker Mildred Pierce is holed up at Eddie’s Book Nook not far from the Trinidad drilling rig in Personal Growth. With nearly forty thousand assertions to examine Mildred is skipping lunch these days. Here’s one: while browsing through Ross Dress for Less Mildred was approached by a salesperson from the Security Exchange Commission. “He told me that Lehman Brothers was for sale in Aisle Five. I hurried over but it turned out that only Asset Management had been marked down. I wanted the entire investment banking operation. And, I wanted a cardigan sweater.”
Bargain Basement: With Mount BS rumbling anew shoppers rushed to the basement where Fannie and Freddie offered “fresh government bonds.” The bonds were at least day old Mildred said. Feisty Arizona Senator John McCain promised to “sock this frail economy in the kisser,” Mildred reported. Meanwhile Barack Obama unveiled a thirty two point program to jumpstart job growth. Local tow truck operator Bertrand Guy Viscount Lamore has the jumper cables ready. “Obama understands tow truck operators,” he said.
Her Cardigan is Frayed: “If I have to flee Wellington Leg I certainly need a new sweater,” Mildred added. Retail sales figures for August were the lowest in three decades. No one is blaming Mildred for the shortfall but her thrift is ill-timed. “Buy the sweater,” pleaded Treasury Secretary Paulson. “If Mildred buys a sweater, we’ll buy GM and Ford.”
T. Rex Love-Handles reporting for Science on Saturday.
Tags: Big Bang, Panic in Aisle Five