Archive for November, 2008

Stop, You’re Reading Me

Sunday, November 30th, 2008

Wellington Leg: One of the major trade publishers made news last week by indicating they would stop reading manuscripts on submission from agents. Although the ban is described as temporary this reporter and others wonder if this plan is the first glimmer of an ingenious recovery effort for a sagging industry.  Let’s make the reading ban permanent; choose manuscripts in an entirely new and cost efficient manner: At Random!

The Random Walk Theory: For those of you who think this is a dry cleaning or oil exploration blog, let me explain the basics of modern publishing. Once written, manuscripts are passed along a conveyor to professional readers called agents. Some of the agents wear gloves and hairnets and are bored like Laverne and Shirley while others demand changes before offering representation. After years of reading and re-reading the product is shipped to an editor who may “buy” or “pass” depending on a complex matrix of factors. If acquired, the manuscript is read by many inside the publishing house before it is rendered in book form. I think the inefficiencies here are obvious: at every step someone is reading the manuscript. Why?

The Soviet Model: In a force economy books are banned, but some are published. Thus we have Heroic Book, Romantic Book, Scary Book, Funny Book, Not Funny Book, Kids Book, How To, How Come? How to Make Millions in Real Estate. With workers controlling the means of production all books are equal and are published unread. Then some are banned. People read them under the covers and wonder why the rules of punctuation change so often.

The New Criterion: Instead of reading new submissions publishers will feed the pages into a Marketing Collator. The collator will quickly reassemble the pages into categories sometimes mixing and matching pages from various manuscripts to achieve an industrial level of efficiency, providing numerous opportunities for balancing output with market needs. If a publisher wants a Romantic Book, he or she may have one at the touch of a button. In the time it takes to get coffee from a vending machine, the book is on its way to Cover Art and some lucky author is receiving a small check.

I think the benefits of the Random Walk outweigh the disadvantages. Publishers are fretful that their selected titles perform in wild unpredictable ways making profit projections more art than science. Short of TARP money for the industry, only draconian measures will succeed.

Author Number 144 reporting.

Tuffington: Pirates are Bad

Friday, November 28th, 2008

Wellington Leg: In a ceremony shrouded in silliness the forty third earl condemned piracy just moments before Gastropod Alley suffered its fourteenth piracy incident in less than a week. The latest incident involved a remote control yacht and a man wearing a scarf with a knife clenched in his teeth. Our defense forces were alerted and the earl’s second nap interrupted by the hubbub.

He Travels Swiftly to the Rescue: The Tuffington Post has learned that the forty third earl rode by horseback from his ancestral yet depreciating estate near Cumberbund to deliver a sharp criticism of the pirates. Unfortunately his prepared remarks became unreadable after his mighty steed, Mrs. Peel, chewed the pages. “One supposes his prose is a tasty treat if one is a horse,” said Professor Moriarity, a paid political consultant. “The pirates don’t appear very concerned.”

Fearsome Display: Once arrived on the shores of Gastropod Alley, the earl dismounted. The jeers from the pirate crews offshore carried on a following breeze. Undaunted, the earl requested that his battle dinghy Forthright make sail without delay. He transmitted this command via cellular telephone to embittered dogsbody Urquhart Depew who clings to the belief that he and the earl were switched at birth.
Musical Interlude: To obscure the fact that little actual progress is being achieved the Wellington Leg Marching Band struggled through a down tempo version of When the Levee Breaks.
Meanwhile your reporter has learned that the Forthright has been sunk! To confirm this aspect of the story I hurried toward Cumberbund where the towne’s last hope of reprieve lay in three feet of water, her hull scoured. I can confirm this disaster is real: all that remains of our naval bulwark is a shrunken and shriveled likeness of Fred Flintstone. Apparently the Forthright has been drydocked in an official Flintstone collapsible pool.
A Lot of Hope is Lost: “This is barratry,” the earl cried upon learning of the disaster. Barratry is a crime on the high seas although even Mr. Flintstone might hesitate to claim his pool as “blue water.” As soon as his waders can be located, the earl will engage the enemy with both sword and quill.
Tuffy Tuffington reporting.

Lost and Found: One Blog

Monday, November 24th, 2008

From the Minutes of the Wellington Leg Emergency Meeting: Whereas we have banned spandex as a material for construction purposes we do recognize the miraculous stretchiness inculcated in its atomic structure, whatever that may be, and thus modify the absolute ban issued yesterday to exclude those areas or pursuits where spandex is an essential ingredient to a garment or other object under pressure or stress. However, the Towne shall frowne upon the frivolous or impertinent combining of spandex with sushi or spandex and ice sculptures, two examples of recent behavior this body has sought to condemn. Once an ice sculpture has melted it becomes a puddle and theref ore a nuisance. Similarly we regret the unintended consequences of our previous octopus ban; who knew that so many loyal readers are of the tentacled persuasion?

Yes, One More Bite of the Apple was also banned or exiled by the inadvertant application of law and ordnance pertaining to spandex and the discussion thereof. Only a riot of spandex weilding octopi spared us from being lost forever in the white fuzz of internet space.

Thank you.

Sincerely, The Wellington Leg Towne Council.

Tuffington Post: Earl Awaits Cabinet Post

Thursday, November 13th, 2008

Wellington Leg: Perhaps in recognition of his versatility it appears the Obama camp is considering naming the forty third earl as ambassador to the Indian Ocean. Clues abound as the earl, who vanished from public view during an electrical storm, recently rode through towne in ox cart disguised as a decurion from the Valeria Victrix; regular readers know by now that when he travels in mufti the earl is gathering intelligence for Herself, the Dowager Princess. “We like to think that the new administration might name him poet laureate,” said Professor Moriarity. “Failing that, there are numerous atolls in the Indian Ocean whose literary tradition could upgraded through massive federal intervention.”

When You’re the Only Game in Town: a case in point is the earl’s recent success on Succotash Island, a windswept isle of fearsome dimensions once claimed by Portugal. “There was suffering on Succotash,” the professor said. “After the population fled, the earl arrived and began work on his masterpiece Flailing Palms.” By exploiting otherwise idle emperor penguins, creatures whose keyboarding skills are quite remarkable, the four thousand page tome was completed in time for the Republican convention.

Paying the Penguins: At first it appeared that the frozen credit markets had fallen into the ice flow but the earl recognized the penguins in his employ were busier than he’d thought. “They go down to the shore and dive. Then they rush back onto shore,” Moriarty said. “They take a twenty minute break and then do it all over again.” Once the penguins understood that the earl was not a sea lion, work progressed quickly and efficiently on the manuscript.  In fact the penguins could take a dip while waiting for literary pearls to develop.

As ambassador to the Indian Ocean the earl would bob along in a raft of his own design.

Tuffy Tuffington reporting.

Reagan Arthur Wins October

Monday, November 3rd, 2008

Wellington Leg: Back on the ninth of October Publishers Weekly broke the news that Little, Brown editor Reagan Arthur will run her own imprint at the publisher. Many of you ignored the carnage on Wall Street and the third presidential debate to search the Internet for confirmation of the Reagan Arthur story and were directed here, to a blog that is written in a fictional towne by a group of imaginary characters.  Reagan Arthur won the October sweeps here on One More Bite of the Apple a blog that only learned how to link to other blogs yesterday, November 2,2008 and is now trying to link to itself. Well, it’s true, Ms. Arthur has her own imprint and we’re glad because she edits George Pelecanos and Kate Atkinson, two of our favorite authors.
So far in November you’re searching for Sara Gran and you’ve come to the right place for somewhere in the archives we have an interview with Ms. Gran and possibly a review or two. I don’t know if the October crowd now knows the Reagan Arthur news or accepts the truth of it and has moved on or if the beginning of a new month surgically ends our readers curiosity about items from the previous month. Perhaps our news cycle is entirely lunar and under a harvest moon our thoughts drift toward publishing houses in Boston. Then again you’ve come here for months seeking to know more about lederhosen even though I’ve begged you not to.
Tomorrow the Druidical & Literary plans to endorse Obama for president although some on the staff want to wait until Wednesday and then endorse the winner. Either way we’ll announce the winner in early December but for now it’s hats off to Reagan Arthur an October Surprise.

Voting in the Leg

Saturday, November 1st, 2008

Wellington Leg: Long lines at the voting booths are no obstacle to the dedicated voters of Wellington Leg, Goth, and Henley Hornbrook. Early voting is available at Eddie’s Book Nook on Cornucopia of Corruption Avenue; simply stick your head in and yell the name of your candidate. You may be asked to name your favorite crime fiction authors and you will be asked to name the capital city of Michigan. After that you can go ahead and vote unless the Roman sentries challenge you. Since they view McCain as a surrogate for Marcus Aurelius feel free to fib a little if you’re voting Obama.

Earl’s Rockin Election Eve: In the hopes of raising money for himself the forty third earl is throwing up the doors of his pied a terre on Monday Night just in time, we hope, to call the end of the ferocious contest in Penn’s Sylvania. As many of you know whoever wins there can make it anywhere; just ask the Phils. Once Pennsylvania has voted it will be off to California where voters will already know the outcome and may forget that a ballot measure, if passed, would make Wonder Bread available in every restaurant in the state. if chewed correctly Wonder Bread becomes a fabulous low cost alternative to both food and industrial adhesives.

Earl Leads Early Poll: His race for Imperial Ombudsman is too close to call, however, his opponent, a Google bot named “Claude” has made numerous gaffes about humans and their ilk. Still “Claude” leads in some polls because of the earl’s vigorous rispostes from horseback. An unpopular ban on jousting hangs in the balance by the slenderest of threads. The jousting ban would prohibit “plummeting” a blow to Joe the Plummeter who may or may not run for Imperial Court Jester should the unthinkable occur.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.