Archive for February, 2009

Powdered Wig Production Ramping Up

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

The Historic Rotunda: Legians cheered a surprise visit from the Dowager Princess at Powdered Wig Factory Number Five on Nabob Avenue. The princess, resplendent in a designer frock designed by the Fighting Gastropods closer Andy Niles, handed out Feudalism Now bumper stickers and knocked back a few beers with selected serfs and vassals. Accompanied by the Consort Royal, the Princess aimed a few barbs at the President of France: “I demand that the French government cede the Gironde region to me,” she said to scattered cheers. “Don’t make come to Paris,” she added.

Our Military Might: “We’re still looking to replace General Herb,” a palace spokesperson said. “We’ve got the earl, of course, and the garrison near Octopus point. We have our slingers and really big pile of rocks in case the French invade again.”

That’s Not a Powdered Wig, that’s Senator Chris Dodd: “Sooner or later the new administration of President Obama will have to deal with the Dowager Princess,” said Count Vlad, part time left fielder and full time political adviser to the Palace. “Congress will wear powdered wigs whenever they deliberate the issues of the day. Only Senator Chris Dodd gets a free pass on the wig; Wellington Leg has five powdered wig factories operating at full capacity. You want a wig? You talk to us.”

Her Bellicose Nature: Large nations tremble when the Dowager Princess rattles her saber: Dunkin Donuts Night Manager Eddy the Beast recalls the time when she stopped by at three am to order profiteroles. “It was like, wow, the princess, and what’s a profiterole? We had to call Milan to find out what she wanted.” Milan is where Dunkin maintains its international headquarters.

Some Doubt the Strategy: “Wellington Leg must acknowledge that demand destruction is a factor in the wig race,” said Professor Moriarty. “We have hundreds of wigs in storage, but precious few buyers. Of course the wisdom of the Dowager Princess is not in question here. After all she predicted the profiterole shortage way back in 2006.”

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting for the Wig Newsletter.

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Whig Response Somewhat Muted

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

Wellington Leg: The Whig Party’s response to President Obama’s speech last night is still being written sources tell the Druidical & Literary. Indeed the heavy lifting for the Whigs falls on the forty third earl whose plasma big screen television is on the fritz. Whig Maintenance recommends kicking electronic devices when they malfunction but the manual fails to indicate where to kick the big screen. Fortunately the President’s speech is available at the local drive in whose really big screen is viewable from the Dunkin Donuts parking lot on Irrational Exuberance Boulevard.

His First Impressions: As viewed from the roof of a Buick Six, the earl notes that none of the assembled dignitaries wore their ceremonial powdered wigs. “The forty third earl will no doubt decry this breach in decorum,” says Urquhart Depew embittered dogsbody and victim of medical record keeping. Depew was switched at birth with the earl in a tragic case of obsolescence, malfeasance, and baby blankets of similar color and heft. “Mine was blue,” Depew says in his memoir. “So was his.”

Undoing the Louisiana Purchase: As regular readers can attest the Whig Party is opposed to the Louisiana Purchase; while the US and France did all right in the deal, Wellington Leg lost control of large swaths of territory. Neither President Obama nor Governor Jindal mentioned the Dowager Princess and her claims to the Missouri Territory. “Let’s face it,” Depew says. “Might makes right.”

Powdered or Sugared? The earl is working on an energy independence plan that captures escaping gases formed by the Slush Pile. “As these orphaned manuscripts age they form a biomass of frustration; by simply attaching a hose to the bottom of the pile energy flows to a gathering point called a Vortex. Here in Wellington Leg we have several of these vortexes monitored carefully by Vulcanologists who came here from Vulcan for this very purpose.”

At the conclusion of the President’s speech the earl will race across Towne to deliver his rebuttal and pick up his dry cleaning. If the dry cleaner’s is open we should have the full text of 43’s speech in time for the D&L’s afternoon edition.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Literary Faire Facing Changes

Monday, February 23rd, 2009

Wellington Leg: The annual Literary Faire is undergoing a major revamp, sources tell the Druidical & Literary. This year’s extravaganza will be held during the summer according to the French Revolution calendar hanging in the earl’s garage, perhaps in Germinal or Floreal. “The losers in each categories will be guillotined,” said a spokesperson for Chaire of the Faire, Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe. “We hope that the forty third earl will lose,” she added. “His head in a basket would suit us just fine.”

Despite the passive voice sentence construction observers believe that Chalfont-Smythe is serious this time about asserting literary hegemony throughout the Bailiwick of Leg, the adjoining Vale of the White Mouse, indeed as far as the eye can see. With Poetry Futures hovering near the flat line on the Piltdown Exchange many believe that now is the time for “an overthrow of the literary establishment.” Traders at the Live Writers Pit have lost millions in recent weeks as both stockage and bondage fell through the floor. Not since the ill-fated live cattle auction last fall have so many frittered away so much so fast.

43 to Face Gargantua? Complicating matters for the earl is the challenge of defending his title against Rabelaisian Pretender Gargantua. Whispers about the challenge became louder than that, louder than a whisper, perhaps a murmur, after Chalfont-Smythe invited Gargantua over for tea late yesterday afternoon. While their discussions were held in strictest confidence reporters from the Wellington Leg World Service speculate that the tea party may have been a shot across the bow or a slap in the face or even a long walk off a short pier since Gargantua took a bit of a tumble after tripping over a cardboard likeness of the earl. Luckily his fall was broken by an assemblage of paparazzi concealed in the garden.

Guillotine Construction May be Stimulative: As a sidebar to the main story our own Tuffy Tuffington has been all over Hizzoner’s pledge to hire local workers in the Great Guillotine Reconstruction Program launched recently at the Guild Hall. “The project is hammer ready,” Tuffy reports from his vantage point on the ceiling of the Historic Rotunda. Eventually fourteen of the devices will roll off the assembly line, ready for export.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Earl to Defend Title

Saturday, February 21st, 2009

Wellington Leg: In a stunning turn of events the Druidical & Literary has learned that the 43rd Earl will defend his title against a Usurper from Utica. At stake is the rank of chevalier, the duties of Champion of the Leg, the right to wear the distinctive chevron of Herself Fanning Herself and the forbearance of the Piggy Bank in all matters financial. “43 has a lot riding on this,” noted Professor Moriarty, the man often accused of killing Sherlock Holmes. “He’s been Champion since orchestrating a ghastly reenactment of Henry the Fifth’s victory at Agincourt. What began as Shakespeare in the Park soon devolved into a shooting war with France and Wales.”

43 Caught Napping? Little is known of the Usurper but the D&L has learned on an exclusive basis that no one checked into the Hotel Faz last night. However a press conference has been scheduled for 3pm to coincide with both Question Time and Nap Time at the Historic Rotunda.

Have You Seen the Usurper? “It is probable that the Usurper from Utica will seek to disguise his presence in Wellington Leg,” Professor Moriarty continued. “Most Usurpers clatter into Towne aboard massive steeds many hands high brandishing lances and demanding satisfaction.”

One possible suspect is Gargantua. He and his son Pantagruel are in towne for the annual peasant tossing contest at the Faire Grounds and Oval. Gargantua has retained the services of the Mothra Removal Service, Wellington Leg’s premier public relations firm. “If Gargantua wanted to be Champion,” said an MRS press release. “He’d already be the champ.”

For his part Pantagruel was observed sneering near the Statue of the Earl on Horseback. With no word from the Palace at this writing it remains unclear whether the Dowager Princess would approve of a new Champion. It is known that she passed the evening watching NFL Highlights from a Forgotten Era after destroying her Privy Council at Texas Hold ‘em.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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The Lure of Alpha

Friday, February 20th, 2009

Wellington Leg: Google has a financial website called Seeking Alpha, a site that aggregates news and opinion about all things financial. You may wonder what Alpha represents and why so many seek it: Alpha is that sliver of outperformance measured against an index everyone accepts as a baseline. One example is the stock market. In literature, before we desperately sought Susan, Dante searched high and low for Beatrice. It’s a quest: seeking alpha in that sense is what we all do when we want to succeed at something or excel at our chosen endeavor.

Institutional Memory: Before we can seek our personal alpha there must be an accepted criteria to test and measure our progress. Your reporter once managed to draw a picture of a tree while staying within the confines of a sheet of paper earning a brief moment of accolades before attempting finger painting. The tree had branches and leaves monkeys and squirrels, the trunk was as lovely as a Snickers Bar in the morning dew. The leaves were yellow and the bark was purple; a troll lived in the root system. He wore a bowler hat and collected taxes.

The big takeaway? I stayed within the lines! This never happened again in my recollection of early schooling.

In the current crisis we suspect that our baseline is dissolving. Our unease is manifest. We don’t know if Alex Rodriguez homers should count or if Bank of America is too big to fail or already gone. The basis of employment ie value for value is now linked to a fate beyond the control of either party in the bilateral agreement between company and worker. We don’t know if the mountain we have to climb is 12,000 feet or just the average Beehive; come to think of it, what is the height of an average Beehive?

Beethoven was a hell of a piano player: some of the kids drop down bunts and run toward third base on the theory that it’s closer and saves a trip to first and second. We all agree that’s cheating. As investment bankers are led away in handcuffs we can only assume they cheated too; their quest for alpha led them directly to third base. Once we all agree what the rules are the crisis will abate. The lure of alpha will stimulate our hearts and brains; we will wear bowler hats and collect taxes ‘neath the lovely purple trees.

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New Rules Baffle the Leg

Tuesday, February 17th, 2009

Wellington Leg: From the case files of muckraking reporter Tuffy Tuffington: Last night I attended a secret meeting of the Big Fat Guys, the cabal of movers and shakers who form the Shadow Government here in the Leg. With the stimulus package signed into law they’ve come up with a package of their own because they know that the stimulus is doomed to fail. They know that objects falling from space are closer than they appear and they are not going to sit still for this wholesale attack on our Feudal system. ( I’ve never seen the Big Fat Guys so worked up. Some of them carried pitchforks.)

Step One: Infrastructure: Hizzoner’s forty stone rotary phone will be replaced with a slim device he can tuck under one of this chins while calling potential donors. Economic effect? To speed the process of graft for shovel ready projects. First up is a six foot length of highway linking the Wellington Aerodrome to Mrs. Godfrey’s driveway. Estimated cost: 40 million including change orders.

Step Two: No more Greek words like metamorphosis: “We don’t need to use big expensive words like this,” explains Professor Moriarty. Substitute an English word like “change.” Forget about antimacassar too; just call it lace. Anticipated savings? Priceless.

Step Three: Free beer! Still the most popular decree of the Dowager Princess who feels the pain of the credit crunch just as much as you do. Repairs to the Tower will be put off into the next budget cycle. “I guess the hangman isn’t hanging,” said spokesperson Steely Dan.

Step Four: The Restoration. The Palace forbids any mention of Recession or Depression, Downturn, Economic Crisis, Bailout or Deficit. Also banned: any discussion of Rabbits. The furry creatures with big ears are a menace here in the Leg. On a personal note a rabbit ate my vinyl copy of Blond on Blond. I don’t how stimulative the rabbit ban will be, but it’s long overdue.
Tuffy Tuffington reporting for the Tuffington Post.

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Imposter Wins Dog Show

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009

Wellington Leg: In a burgeoning scandal surrounding the Welllington Kennel Club, it now appears that best in show recipient Starbuck is actually a local writer. As everyone in Towne already knows Starbuck, a winged Dalmatian, captured the coveted blue ribbon during the televised event held at local pub I Was the Only Running Footman. The winner was observed smoking a cigarette and laughing in the alley behind the pub shortly after his victory lap with owner Viscount Drudge.

His Elaborate Disguise: Not since an antelope won the Short Story Contest has Wellington Leg seen such a bold hoax. DCI Borchardt of the Flying Squad has obtained warrants based on the eye witness testimony of fake dog Bruno of Colfax. “Bruno went undercover during the recent pageant disguised as a Nattering Nabob. He won Viscount Drudge’s confidence who revealed to Bruno that Starbuck was unemployed writer Lloyd London.”

Who is Lloyd London? The Tuffington Post has learned that Mr. London has retained the services of the Mothra Removal Service, Towne’s most prominent PR firm who issued the following statement: “Whether or not Starbuck is a dog he is the clear winner of the Wellington Kennel Club’s Blue Ribbon and is, as such, entitled to the privileges obtaining thereto. We are not acknowledging guilt nor claiming innocence but rather demanding our due.”

He’s Going to Disneyland: “Starbuck” is booked on a flight from Wellington Aerodrome for the faraway city of Los Angeles, DCI Borchardt notes. “Why would a dog leave town after winning the blue ribbon? A real dog would want to stay right here and enjoy the fruits of victory.”

Aer Wellington reports that several dozen dogs are flying out that day begging the question, were they all humans disguised as dogs?
Tuffy Tuffington reporting.

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Mothra Removal Service

Friday, February 6th, 2009

Wellington Leg: The Arts Council is outsourcing literary criticism as a money saving endeavor this budget cycle. With dozens of local companies vying for the honor Council President Art Forartsssake will announce the winner momentarily: okay, Art is holding the envelope and a thrush has fallen over the crowd…did I say thrush? Let’s take it from the top since I don’t think we’re live yet. Foundation and make-up? Yeah, that was Asimov.

Take Two: Okay we’re in the media room here at Wellington Leg’s North Station a big drafty place that used to be a train station. Check that, it is a train station! Wow I almost got squashed by the 4:55 local. Don’t we have fact checkers anymore? Isn’t that what the Checkers speech was all about?
And the winner is: The Mothra Removal Service! Looks like the Vice President of Operations is on hand to accept the award. He’s explaining that the Mothra Removal Service is a local company that specializes in removing Mothra from difficult social situations. I gather that Mothra is some sort of prehistoric monster who retired to Wellington Leg after a film career. Now that I think about it, I’m certain that I’ve seen her around, shopping and stuff. Everyone knows that we have to shop or face an economic future full of prehistoric monsters and other gloomy things.
Literary Call Center: Now that Mothra Removal is in charge of literary criticism they plan to open a call center in Goth. I foresee a language problem since most of their employees are laid off Roman soldiers: yeah, I guess we’ll have to learn Latin.
Sure, they’ll have website but I wonder if this is really going to work. What do you think? The Druidical & Literary has operators standing by.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Editor’s Note: We had an operator standing by but we don’t have one right now. He’s a film buff and wandered off to see The Outlaw Josie Wales. Mothra has a cameo role.

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Saving Private Enterprise

Sunday, February 1st, 2009

Wellington Leg: A tiny group of men and women are struggling to conceive a Bad Bank that will purchase toxic assets from other bad banks thus saving the economy by spurring lending. Perhaps a good example of what these stalwart government officials are facing may be found in literature where bad novel was created to clear a path for good novels by selling in large numbers creating what economists call Extra Money.
Bad Bank Should Look Bad: The elusive design of the Bad Bank begins with the lobby. Traditional Sound Bank marble should be replaced with crumbling fake marble. Portraits of ancient capitalists should be mass produced and hung from the walls at an odd angle. Lobby Popcorn? You know it’s stale. Remember this is a Bad Bank without a lobby seating area where geezers watch CNBC.
That’s Right, We Bad: Outside Bad Bank men in pork pie hats will hawk Collateralized Debt Obligations, Mezzanine Tranches, and Credit Default Swaps. I base this prediction on our own Piggy Bank, Wellington Leg’s baddest bank. Iggy Ban CEO of the Piggy has been operating sidewalk sales since the crisis began. “We hired a sushi chef a few years ago to slice and dice interest bearing instruments. He was such a hit that we moved him outdoors to attract depositors.”
It’s Not Easy Being Bad: Treasury officials are invited to come to Wellington Leg to see Bad Banking in action. Piggy Bank officials led a consortium of banks that loaned some ten billion dollars to nine year old Eugenia Phaeton whose show and tell project My Hedge Fund is now the fourth largest financial institution in the country. “A few years ago Eugenia unwound her yen position because Japanese trading begins way past her bedtime,” Professor Moriarty explains. “It was a brilliant move that catapulted My Hedge Fund into the big leagues.” Her collateral for the massive loan? A somewhat dubious mountain of gummi bears. Piggy Bank officials hope to sell the gummi bears to the Treasury in exchange for Extra Money.
T. Rex Love-Handles reporting for Wellington Leg Financial.

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