Wellington Leg: From the case files of muckraking reporter Tuffy Tuffington: Last night I attended a secret meeting of the Big Fat Guys, the cabal of movers and shakers who form the Shadow Government here in the Leg. With the stimulus package signed into law they’ve come up with a package of their own because they know that the stimulus is doomed to fail. They know that objects falling from space are closer than they appear and they are not going to sit still for this wholesale attack on our Feudal system. ( I’ve never seen the Big Fat Guys so worked up. Some of them carried pitchforks.)
Step One: Infrastructure: Hizzoner’s forty stone rotary phone will be replaced with a slim device he can tuck under one of this chins while calling potential donors. Economic effect? To speed the process of graft for shovel ready projects. First up is a six foot length of highway linking the Wellington Aerodrome to Mrs. Godfrey’s driveway. Estimated cost: 40 million including change orders.
Step Two: No more Greek words like metamorphosis: “We don’t need to use big expensive words like this,” explains Professor Moriarty. Substitute an English word like “change.” Forget about antimacassar too; just call it lace. Anticipated savings? Priceless.
Step Three: Free beer! Still the most popular decree of the Dowager Princess who feels the pain of the credit crunch just as much as you do. Repairs to the Tower will be put off into the next budget cycle. “I guess the hangman isn’t hanging,” said spokesperson Steely Dan.
Step Four: The Restoration. The Palace forbids any mention of Recession or Depression, Downturn, Economic Crisis, Bailout or Deficit. Also banned: any discussion of Rabbits. The furry creatures with big ears are a menace here in the Leg. On a personal note a rabbit ate my vinyl copy of Blond on Blond. I don’t how stimulative the rabbit ban will be, but it’s long overdue.
Tuffy Tuffington reporting for the Tuffington Post.