Archive for April, 2009

Free Range Chicken Detained

Thursday, April 30th, 2009

Wellington Leg: The Constabulary has detained “Blondell” a free range chicken whose interstate spree included crossing state lines for the purpose of crossing state lines and then crossing back over again. “Blondell” who used to be a limited range chicken became a licensed free range chicken and ran for Congress; interestingly enough he opposed the stimulus package despite a provision that would provide fifty square miles of tundra for every chicken in every pot.

Chicken’s Normal Range: “Blondell” is a pseudonym for a local chicken who mysteriously vanished from his range several weeks ago. We now know he spent days smoking cigarettes, hitching rides, and correcting midterm exams while posing as an adjunct professor at a major university. “Not only has he roamed entirely too far out of range,” a police spokesperson said. “He tried to vote for Norm Coleman.”

Had “Blondell” succeeded in voting, the state of Minnesota would have only one senator now instead of the usual two. The chicken was detained near Elko Nevada after rumors of extraterrestrial (loud banging noises) activity alerted local officials. “Blondell” was intercepted at the California border by an alert employee of Lens Crafters who realized that a chicken wearing contact lens didn’t need corrective glasses to peck for seeds.

Chaos feared: Other chickens, some sporting sunglasses and Aloha shirts, are suspected of wanting to hit the road like Jack Kerouac. Throughout the Bailiwick of Leg officials are maintaining the highest state of alert which borders on lunacy after 48 hours when sleep deprivation sets in and all chickens begin to look suspicious. Our own Senator Foghorn was stopped at a checkpoint but was released after walking backwards through a cul de sac and correctly naming three of the faces on Mount Rushmore.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Mothra to Keynote Literary Faire

Monday, April 27th, 2009

Wellington Leg: In a coup for the planning committee Mothra has agreed to deliver the opening address at the Literary Faire this August. The retired film star and prehistoric monster is planning a comeback, probably as a Vegas act, so today’s announcement is not a complete surprise. As always Mothra will be accompanied by a pair of singing shobijin; Mothra made her debut in the novel The Luminous Fairies by Takehiko Fukunaga and thus her literary credentials are impeccable.

Jousting To Mark Second Day: On the second day of the Faire contestants on horseback will clash on the Oval. This announcement makes the Forty Third Earl the odds on favorite to capture Best Novel by the Unhorsed, a category some feel is both dangerous and ridiculous. Naysayers point out that the skills required by an author have little to do with jousting or even horse back riding but if the traditionalists have their way the Literary Faire will be shaken by pounding hoofs and the clash of metal and the winner shall have earned their swag. 43 often appears in towne wearing his suit of armor or, at the very least, in helmet and visor. “His helmet now has Bluetooth,” reports dogsbody Urquhart Depew. “He can chat away with his helmet securely in place although he is unable to eat or drink whilst encumbered in a such a manner.”

Meanwhile the proprietor of Eddie’s Book Nook, Eddie himself, remembers Godzilla’s difficulties as a touring author and wonders if inviting Mothra to the Faire is a good idea. “Mothra defeated Godzilla head to head,” Eddie says. “She fires bolts of lightning from her fingers. Not many writers can do that.”

DCI Borchardt reports that the Flying Squad is ready for any contingency. He’s entering the Crime Fiction category with his Wellington Leg Confidential,a novel based loosely on his days with the Constabulary.

The Literary Faire opens August 10th.

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Tuffy Located: Earl to Leave House

Thursday, April 23rd, 2009

Wellington Leg: The Druids on the forty third floor report cub reporter Tuffy Tuffington, author of the Tuffington Post, has been located. Regular readers will recall that Tuffy dropped through a donut hole suffered molecular disassociation and signed with a literary agent all before the ink was dry on the afternoon edition of the Literary Leg. Young Tuffy went on to rebalance his tires and read the Fed Minutes but let’s not bury the lede here: he signed with a literary agent.

He’s Trendy and Very Now: While some may sneer and others withhold judgment the news has spread from Wellington Leg to the Roman garrison at Goth. The Roman commander of the Valeria Victrix Legion has promised not to sack and burn New York now that Tuffy is represented. He’s ordered Tuffy’s work translated into Latin to be read aloud during Vespers:
if the troops like what they hear Tuffy will be carried through the Syrian Gate, deposited on a marble slab near the temple of Venus in Blue Jeans and made to enjoy the spectacle of chariot repair on ESPN Augustus Caesar. If they don’t like it he’ll be beheaded after an interlude of jeers and catcalls.
The Manuscript Delivered: Riders and skirmishers delivered a copy of the manuscript to the palatial estate of the 43 Earl mere hours after transcribing Tuffy’s prose into print. 43 answered the door in a paisly bathrobe causing panic and confusion as he signed for the delivery in Olde French.
In honor of the occasion shops in Wellington Leg will close early today. Eddie’s Book Nook will celebrate with a reading from poet laureate Pam Anderson later this evening. Eddie sez: be there or be square.

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Texas May Join the Leg

Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009

Balderdash Palace: The Dowager Princess is pleased that her effort to overturn the Louisiana Purchase is finally bearing fruit. Texas Governor Rick Perry hinted last week that Texas may secede from the union. “We would welcome Texas to our dominion,” said Consort Royal Nicola of the D’Urbervilles. “Just think how good our football team would be,” she enthused. Due to its tiny size and irregular terrain Wellington Leg has never been a football power. Wellington Leg maintains that Thomas Jefferson sold Louisiana Territory to the Princess’ maternal grandfather Archduke Leg. Documents from Kinko’s clearly show that a “TJ” signed a sale agreement with “AD Leg” long before Napoleon Bonaparte claimed the port of New Orleans for France.

To accommodate Texas Wellington Leg will hire the Mothra Removal Service to create a new slogan and an ad campaign. The towne’s current motto In Vino Veritas suffers from demo fatigue and dead language confusion. “We’re thinking “Don’t Mess with the Leg” said a spokesperson for the Palace.

The capital city of the combined Wellington Texas Leg would be Henley Hornbrook where the Dowager Princess maintains a stable of thoroughbreds who enjoy munching credit default swaps. A large herd of longhorn cattle would move from Wichita Falls to Goth as part of the ceremony.

With her ten gallon crown and pearl handled six guns the Dowager Princess should be a natural and benign ruler for Texas. Governor Perry would become a vassal prince, and, as she has done here in the Leg, the speed limit would be raised to 155 miles per hour.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Less Pomp More Circumstance

Sunday, April 19th, 2009

Wellington Leg: In a late morning news conference the bizarre and grotesque Rabelaisian Pretender Gargantua announced a formal challenge to the Forty Third Earl. Standing fourteen feet tall and weighing eleven hundred pounds Gargantua demolished the all you can eat buffet at Medium Sized Caesar’s before proclaiming his intent to fight for the title of Champion of the Leg, and the right to wear the Order of the Garter Rose and stickpin. As previously reported on the Tuffington Post, Gargantua has retained the services of the Mothra Removal Service, a full service publicity and marketing firm located in a bitter irony steps away from the Historic Rotunda and Statue of Earl On Horseback.

No More Corn Chowder? Gargantua demonstrated his might after sous-chef Leonid Breshnev announced the end of the corn chowder ration for brunch. The French brute battled the kitchen staff including a politburo of food critics before Mall Security and a cohort from the Decima Claudia Legion restored order. Only when flanked by Roman cavalry did Gargantua yield the field to make his dramatic announcement.

Will 43 Defend his Title? This is the burning question on Feudal Entourage this afternoon; rumors of his impending callup to pitch for the New York Yankees notwithstanding some Legians believe that 43 is dodging Gargantua and his miserable oaf of a son Pantagruel. “This is French literature,” said Professor Moriarty. “We demand satisfaction,” he added.

Our own Tuffy Tuffington reports from the prized arugula patch near the earl’s pied a terre on Haunting Puffins Close: “From my vantage point I see a locked front gate, a small bird, maybe a wren, possibly a chickadee…no, it’s a Humboldt Penguin! There is ice and sea lions….”

Tuffy?

Tuffy?

No wonder the mainstream media laughs. They have Glen Beck and Bill and Sean and “green rooms.” If anyone sees our reporter please have him call the office. Thanks. No, there is not a reward.

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Inch Worms Resized

Thursday, April 16th, 2009

Wellington Leg: in a blow to the inch worm industry federal regulators having released a shocking report detailing the varying lengths of inch worms produced in Wellington Leg. In one case an inch worm called “Roy” measured out at three feet six inches although industry sources say that “Roy” is not an inch worm but rather a collection of inch worms glued together to deceive federal officials. At stake is a vast pile of money part of the Troubled Inch Worm Recovery Fund or TIRF to be rolled out by Treasury as soon as metrics are agreed upon with a recalcitrant Republican minority. “I’m simply aghast,” said putative shadow commander Newt. “We’ve worked hard to standardize the statutory length of an inch worm. Why mess with success?”

One proposal would alter the name of the worm from inch worm to “A worm that varies in length but should be about an inch long.” Yet another idea be floated in the halls of Congress would be to pretend that the worms are an inch long and direct FASB to stop measuring them. “International bodies are more flexible then we are,” said Professor Moriarty. “They don’t expect Nine Inch Nails to have nine inch nails,” he added.

Surf and TIRF: The Palace is undecided about accepting TIRF funds since The Dowager Princess is eligible for a large bonus if inch worm production meets its lofty sales targets. “They’ll start complaining about Feudalism again,” said an unnamed Palace source.

Meanwhile “Roy” is preparing for the reality TV show World’s Longest Inchworm scheduled for prime time on the Wellington Leg Public Access Channel. “I think Roy is nervous,” said producer Kip Wells. “We have plenty of crazy glue handy, though. It should be a great show.”

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Lurid Writing Outtakes

Saturday, April 11th, 2009

Wellington Leg: Nothing is more exciting than writing a novel unless you include watching another person writing a novel or watching yourself. Despite much evidence to the contrary, though, even writers must pause to absorb what the world is dishing if only to make sure that the planet is still here even if you’re not quite finished with your scene.

CNN: Anderson Cooper is confused by piracy: “What do these guys want?” Of course this story only began a few days ago in CNN time but Somali pirates want you to know that they’ve been at this hijacking game for years. Trotting out guys from the K&R world to explain shipping lanes and Lloyds List is a hilarious diversion from working on that manuscript. I highly recommend the pirate coverage for fiction writers and Benedictine monks of all ages.

Sean Hannerty disses France: Sean is funnier now that Obama is president although he’s gone a little grayer since the G-20 conference in London destroyed traffic on Piccadilly. Needless to say he’s worried about pirates too, aren’t we all, since international maritime law is a god given fundamental right of human kind and now seems to be in jeopardy. The Hudson and Potomac are wide open, though, due to eternal vigilance.

If You Encounter Pirates: Something to consider while you try to figure out why the scene you’re working on is becoming a Monty Python riff. Maybe the old lady muggers are getting in the way. Let’s make them pirates but remember you have to answer Anderson Cooper’s somewhat rhetorical question, what do these guys want?

Here are some possible answers: After pouring over the Baltic Dry Index the pirates of the Indian Ocean sense a turn coming in charter rates. “If we seize all the merchant ships we can charge whatever we want for time charters!”
Money.
This is the kidnap and ransom business on the high seas. Every merchant vessel has a Lloyds Registry designation by class, deadweight tonnage and flag. Even tramp steamers, those ships with no fixed route or “trading territory” are included on the registry. There are few American flag merchant vessels because of the vagaries of the Jones Act passed back in Woodrow Wilson’s administration. The act imposes staggering costs for crew liability and limits where a vessel can call. That’s why the flag of convenience is so popular with ship owners everywhere.

The pirates may soon encounter another type of ship those found in Jane’s Fighting Ships. Jane has been cataloging war ships for over a century; she’s the original old lady mugger.

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Literary Futures Spike

Thursday, April 9th, 2009

Piltdown Exchange: Excitement roiled early trading on the exchange after literary futures rose unexpectedly. At the Live Authors Pit traders doubled down on the survival of the publishing while short sellers ran for the exits. The sudden burst of optimism coincided with the announcement that the forty third earl typed three words in a new manuscript before falling back to sleep.

Hog Wild: Envy hit the neighboring Live Hogs pit where market weight porkers jostled executives for a better view of literary trading. “This is where the action is on the floor,” said pit boss Tweed. “Anytime the earl is back in action you know things are going to be crazy.” Few traders can forget the Hog Rebellion of 2007 when the Piltdown Exchange was rocked by a series of literary frauds. At one point during the revolt the hogs controlled both the freight elevator and the remote control switching channels from CNBC to the Farm Report.

Dead Authors Thriving: Agents and reps got physical over at the Rights Pit where the poet Virgil went on sale shortly after the market opened. Latin poets rose 45 cents while mystery and suspense breached its two hundred day moving average. Regency romance bucked the trend reversing on the news that Queen Victoria is dead and has been for some time.

Nevertheless paranormal and vampire futures endured a triple witching expiration with little blood spilled. A bushel of vampire teeth sold for a new April high forming a contango against the July contract. With the yen strong and the Euro wobbling some of the vampires quit the floor. “I’m out of here,” said Count Vlad. “It’s tap city man,” he added.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Blog Orbits Jupiter

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

Wellington Leg: To the consternation of the nation this blog, this realm, this ethereal wisp was launched into outer space late last week and is currently orbiting the planet Jupiter. While that’s okay for the short term many worry about the future of this thing of ours. Will deep space influence the content? Will a parallax view of literature emerge? At the risk of degrading popular culture toward a tipping point I fear the answer is yes. The content of this blog will be worse than ever due to the effects of zero gravity’s rainbow and a foggy film on the windshield.

Chronicles of 43: From its humble roots as the diary of the 43rd earl this blog has evolved over time to offer the history of Wellington Leg, a towne populated by exiled writers, wannabees, shouldabeens, and hasbeens. Ruled with an iron fist by the Dowager Princess this tiny feudal state is ground zero for the credit crisis thanks to Ms. Fran Wycomb of Clutchingstraws Close. Fran borrowed one thousand dollars for beauty supplies in 2007; her loan, sliced and diced into tranches, brought down the financial system. This enabled a ten year old local student to build her show and tell project My Hedge Fund into the fourth largest financial institution in the world.

Our Pledge to You: Despite the vagaries of space travel the entire staff of One More Bite of the Apple pledges to expose corruption whenever we see it; to be relentless in our search for the eye of Newt that has eluded the mainstream media. But first we must get the defroster working or we won’t be able to see anything. We’re flying blind.
YHS, The staff.

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