Wellington Leg: In a late morning news conference the bizarre and grotesque Rabelaisian Pretender Gargantua announced a formal challenge to the Forty Third Earl. Standing fourteen feet tall and weighing eleven hundred pounds Gargantua demolished the all you can eat buffet at Medium Sized Caesar’s before proclaiming his intent to fight for the title of Champion of the Leg, and the right to wear the Order of the Garter Rose and stickpin. As previously reported on the Tuffington Post, Gargantua has retained the services of the Mothra Removal Service, a full service publicity and marketing firm located in a bitter irony steps away from the Historic Rotunda and Statue of Earl On Horseback.
No More Corn Chowder? Gargantua demonstrated his might after sous-chef Leonid Breshnev announced the end of the corn chowder ration for brunch. The French brute battled the kitchen staff including a politburo of food critics before Mall Security and a cohort from the Decima Claudia Legion restored order. Only when flanked by Roman cavalry did Gargantua yield the field to make his dramatic announcement.
Will 43 Defend his Title? This is the burning question on Feudal Entourage this afternoon; rumors of his impending callup to pitch for the New York Yankees notwithstanding some Legians believe that 43 is dodging Gargantua and his miserable oaf of a son Pantagruel. “This is French literature,” said Professor Moriarty. “We demand satisfaction,” he added.
Our own Tuffy Tuffington reports from the prized arugula patch near the earl’s pied a terre on Haunting Puffins Close: “From my vantage point I see a locked front gate, a small bird, maybe a wren, possibly a chickadee…no, it’s a Humboldt Penguin! There is ice and sea lions….”
Tuffy?
Tuffy?
No wonder the mainstream media laughs. They have Glen Beck and Bill and Sean and “green rooms.” If anyone sees our reporter please have him call the office. Thanks. No, there is not a reward.