Wellington Coconut Works: Problems with the coconut harvest have resulted in a full scale audit by the budget committee, sources at the Historic Rotunda say. The audit team will file a report tomorrow confirming the Towne Council’s worst fears: coconuts do not grow in Wellington Leg. Much of last year’s crop was delivered by parachute by the mysterious BB Cooper. Otherwise, the sum total of coconut production is zero.
When an Exporter is Really an Importer: The Palace has ordered an increase in coconut production this year probably in reaction to skyrocketing prices. A stand of palm trees near the Goth Road Bypass are made of plastic, according to arborist and Grateful Dead scholar Professor Palm. “One expects a low crop of fruit from an artificial tree,” he says. “Hence the need to airlift our coconuts prior to harvest.”
Setting the husks alight: Compounding the problem of low production vandals have been known to set the husks alight for purposes that are difficult to discern. One theory is that by setting the coconuts on fire rival townes create a disgruntled primate population since larger primates enjoy smashing coconuts. “In this case the gorilla in the room is a gorilla,” said Professor Palm. “The Towne Council has been down this road before,” he added. Gorillas frequently attend Towne Council meetings as revealed in a shock piece by Tuffpo. ( See Gorilla Votes With His Feet).
No Middleground? On a recent balmy day in the Leg a Mrs. Norquist of Coconut Grove discovered a flaming husk concealed in an urgent rewrite of her massive tome Gardening Has to Hurt. “My manuscript was on fire,” she said. Luckily for her a sudden squall doused the flames.
Mrs. Norquist took refuge under a Royal Palm.
T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.
Mr. Love-Handles is a contributor to the Tuffington Post and the virtual newspaper The Druidical & Literary. The paper can be delivered to your door through the miracle of the Earl’s Own Telephony and Dial-Up Service. We squeeze it through your phone line: give the paper several minutes to return to its normal font size, then stir.