Wellington Leg: A pending court case may clarify the Unlimbaugh Rules once and for all. Our own Tuffy Tuffington reports from courthouse square: Ms. Amanda Bond of Little Wallop finds herself in the crosshairs of the obscure Rush Limbaugh regulations Wellington Leg began enforcing this past weekend. Ms. Bond, a slender brunette, notes on her MySpace page that “she wants a man who knows what she wants before she does.” She thought she had found that man, home plate umpire, Gus of Goth.
Order in the Court: Judge Hamilcar Frist, who “loves kittens and moonlight strolls” will hear the case of Ms. Bond early next week. A Greek Chorus will take the place of a jury to make the trail more entertaining. Her defense? She cannot possibly look like Rush Limbaugh.
Ms. Bond Meets Gus: She submitted this brief to the court: I’d always wanted to meet a man who knew what I wanted before I did. Recently I was in the box seats at Gastropod Stadium watching an endless inning when Gus strolled over and said, “I’ll bet I know what you want. A pitching change.”
Well, I did want a pitching change. How did he know? How could he have known? I don’t remember fidgeting or looking bored, let alone acting like the boorish buffoon in Row Five who threw a taco or a fajita in the direction of the dugout. It would never occur to me to do such a thing. I wouldn’t order a fajita in the first place because they’re so messy, and contain transfats. I’m not sure what transfats are it sounds like a fat on its way to be something else, something far more sinister than regular fats, kind of premeditated as opposed to incidental, like, oh I’m a fat molecule now but just you wait….it makes me think of the Transit Authority with subway cars full of fat globules and I have to wonder what people are thinking when they order food now that the transfat content has to be published. Anyway, your honor, after leaving the ballpark I was hurrying toward my car when these police officers asked me if I knew what Rush Limbaugh looked like. I forgot about the regulation that requires everyone in Wellington Leg to look like Rush on Sunday night. I even had extra pillows in the back of my car, but I forgot those too. By the way, isn’t he bald?
Respectfully,
Amanda Bond
The full transcript of Ms. Bond’s vigorous defense are available on Wellington Court TV .