Archive for June, 2009

Train Service to Russia Suspended

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

Hauptbahnhof: Train service between Wellington Leg and Russia was suspended yesterday after it was revealed that the Pacific Ocean is in the way. In a burgeoning scandal surrounding Mysterious Rail Tours, customers complained that instead of being carried to Russia they toured the Oregon town of Yachats.

Archibald Hairless of Henley Hornbrook booked a ticket with the company for a train ride through Siberia. Instead he now realizes that the train meandered through the Province of Alberta where he reported seeing numerous cows and the occasional Commissar waving to the train.
“That was probably a Canadian farmer,” Mr. Hairless recalled.

Sisters Charlotte and Emily Bronte are among those passengers who now feel duped by Mysterious Tours. After signing up for a trip to the Winter Palace in St. Petersburg, the sisters now believe they trained through the streets of Tacoma Washington. “We saw the Tacoma Dome,” Emily said. “That was nice,” she added.

The Flying Squad raided the offices of Mysterious Tours early Tuesday and carted off a scale model of Moscow. “It was very detailed,” said DCI Borchardt. “There was a tiny figure of Vladimir Putin waving from the Kremlin,” he said. Another Russian doll banged his shoe on the table, but only when sufficiently wound up.

Update: the express train to Yekaterinburg scheduled for a 16:45 departure this evening will leave on schedule. The train will bypass Magnolia Ridge and make steam for the Sea of Japan. First class passengers should arrive eleven hours early; no one seems to care when second and third class arrive. Large dogs are okay as long as they are on a leash. Distant relatives are okay too.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Posted in Gripping Melodrama | No Comments »

Author Launched into Orbit

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

Wellington Leg: In what scientists are calling an unfortunate accident local author Tuffy Tuffington has been hurled into outer space aboard the experimental space craft Archie, sources on Mount Baker report. Wellington Leg entered the space race after the Dowager Princess ordered a forty foot likeness of Herself planted on the moon. Until today the cardboard portrait has been standing in the Dunkin Donuts parking lot. “This may be real progress,” a palace spokesperson said.

All Wheel Drive: The Archie spacecraft is a hybrid whose retro rockets resemble a Wurlitzer jukebox. “We wanted retro touches,” said Program Director Dawn. “Once Tuffy clears the earth’s atmosphere, he will be able to drive the Archie toward the moon. The owner’s manual is pretty complete although it is considered a work in translation.”

Don’t Press the Big Red Button: One theory that could explain the accidental launch involves a field trip for zoo animals who visited Mission Control late yesterday. After a game of ping pong two Orangutans slipped away from the party and entered the space launch module. “We’re not saying they hit the big red button,” Mall Security Chief Fierce Pierce remarked. A small fire at a Nordstrom’s Rack distracted everyone shortly before the space craft lifted off.

Dog Days: The Archie is designed to move through space at about 55 miles per hour. “Obviously we intended to honor the double nickel,” said program director Dawn. “If Tuffy goes a little faster, he should touch down on the moon about six years from now,” she added.

Another option is to launch a tow truck to retrieve both Archie and Tuffy. The truck would be hurled into space from atop Queen Anne hill, weather permitting. Queen Anne is often shrouded in fog in a chiaroscuro redolent with gloom. Local residents are opposed to the idea and vowed to stop the launch. “It would irresponsible to launch a tow truck into space,” one man said. He also demanded more street parking.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Posted in Gripping Melodrama | No Comments »

Rent a Crisis Proving Viable

Friday, June 12th, 2009

Wellington Leg: As late night host David Letterman knows all too well a war of words can turn into a costly and prolonged guerrilla battle with unexpected developments and unscripted moments. To quote the Dude from the Big Lebowsky, “I’m trying to drink a beverage here,” is sometimes ineffectual during the heat of the moment. And the First Dude, though not a fictional character, has displayed an instinct for bringing a shotgun to a chess tournament.

Ask the Professor: Former minor league outfielder (Visalia where he hit .237 against kids who threw the same pitch over and over) and bon vivant ( while in Visalia he wrote a treatise about Baudelaire) where he casually tossed a live baseball to a fan who screamed that it was not a ground rule double and became an inside the park home run after the fan went for hot dogs pursued by stadium security and members of the bullpen: when confronted by the angry mob the fan said, “hey, I’m trying to enjoy a beverage here.”

“This style of crisis management is most efficacious in cases where a primitive argument is carrying the day against a sophisticated riposte ( such as: I know you are, but what am I?) often comes acropper. That’s why Rent a Crisis is so valuable now. For a low low price you can carry Rent a Crisis in your handbag or jammed into your back pocket. Contained in handy book form or in Kindle ready molecular form, are thousands of rejoinders right at your fingertips. Here are some free samples:

“I’m trying to enjoy Letterman here.”
“I couldn’t have spilled beer on your girlfriend. I’m drinking Chardonnay.”
“I think the F train stops in Chinatown, but maybe not.”
“I’m a guest of Rudy Giuliani.”
“I’m not saying that Pee Wee’s Big Adventure is great American cinema, but the Alamo tour scene is worth sitting through the rest.”
“Wie bitte?”

If you act now the entire Baudelaire oeuvre may be rushed to your door at no extra charge!

Not available in the Continental United States, its territories or possessions.

Posted in Publishing News | No Comments »

Placebo Shows Promise

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

Wellington Leg: Researchers at the Institute for Science believe they’ve developed a pill that has the look feel and texture of medicine with none of the side effects. Code named Capulet the exciting new placebo comes in three colors, yellow, blue or tawny brown; while flavorless the pill is easily digested by the test subjects Big Fat Guys GMBH is the holding company developing the Capulet. They hope to distribute the pill at the Literary Faire later this summer. “We hope to market a small launcher to go with the Capulet,” said one of the Big fat Guys. With the launcher a patient could stand several blocks from his medicine cabinet, and, with the press of a button, have the placebo soaring through the air in no time.

Plague Dogs: Tests of the launcher have been made difficult by local dogs, researchers admit. “Dogs enjoy chasing things, and they intercepted most of the Capulets in mid air.” One solution may be to develop fake placebos; while the dogs chase the imitators, the real placebos may be launched in a rapid fire sequence.

Eye of Newt: A volunteer, code named “Newt” admitted that the placebo launcher “works only too well.” Newt was tweeting on the campus of a major university when he accidentally triggered his launcher. Newt ran across the 520 floating bridge, past the Microsoft campus, through Marymoor Park and climbed Mount Si before snaring his Capulet with what he described as a “basket catch.” He admits trampling a salmon habitat and disturbing a family of black bears on the outskirts of Redmond. “I think the bears were going to eat the salmon anyway,” Newt said.

The mayor of Wellington Leg welcomes the economic stimulus associated with launching placebos, but warned, “You have to be in pretty good shape to do what Newt did. This project my not be for everyone.”

The Crying of Lot 49: Volunteer slots will be auctioned in Pynchon Hall during normal business hours.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Posted in Biting the Apple | 2 Comments »

Bond Trial Opens

Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009

Hall of the Mountain Kings: The trial of Ms. Amanda Bond of Little Wallop began this afternoon in an atmosphere one court observer described as “Minoan.” He may have been referring to the presence of members of the Lost Continent of Atlantis who are attending a convention in Wellington Leg this week. Ms. Bond, accused of failing to look like Rush on Limbaugh Sunday, entered a plea of You Cannot Be Serious. She is representing herself.

The presiding magistrate, Judge Hamilcar Frist, loves to make a dramatic entrance and today was no exception. He arrived on a unicycle juggling bowling pins; inscribed on the pins were the words “guilty” and “not-guilty.” Judge Frist performed a near perfect dismount although he failed to execute a seven ten split before landing in his chair.

As the clerk read the charges against Ms. Bond, the Crown’s Counsel made faces at the assembled journos and was especially rude to our own Tuffy Tuffington, ace reporter and author of Tuffpo. Courtroom fixture Madame Lafarge led the Greek chorus in cries of “she’s guilty” as Ms. Bond entered the courtroom.

The judge, who loves kittens and strolls in the moonlight, was quick to ask the defendant her opinion of kittens.

Ms. Bond appeared flustered, offering only the rhetorical, “kittens?” This created a stampede of reporters rushing toward pay phones that were removed from the lobby in 1987.

“Let’s hope for her sake, Day Two goes better than Day One,” wrote Tuffy. There seems a high likelihood tomorrow’s questioning will focus on walks in the moonlight. Ms. Bond has already stated she sprained her ankle during a moonlight stroll several months ago; the Crown will call witnesses who may have seen her limping.

Tags:
Posted in Gripping Melodrama | No Comments »