Wellington Leg: Researchers at the Institute for Science believe they’ve developed a pill that has the look feel and texture of medicine with none of the side effects. Code named Capulet the exciting new placebo comes in three colors, yellow, blue or tawny brown; while flavorless the pill is easily digested by the test subjects Big Fat Guys GMBH is the holding company developing the Capulet. They hope to distribute the pill at the Literary Faire later this summer. “We hope to market a small launcher to go with the Capulet,” said one of the Big fat Guys. With the launcher a patient could stand several blocks from his medicine cabinet, and, with the press of a button, have the placebo soaring through the air in no time.
Plague Dogs: Tests of the launcher have been made difficult by local dogs, researchers admit. “Dogs enjoy chasing things, and they intercepted most of the Capulets in mid air.” One solution may be to develop fake placebos; while the dogs chase the imitators, the real placebos may be launched in a rapid fire sequence.
Eye of Newt: A volunteer, code named “Newt” admitted that the placebo launcher “works only too well.” Newt was tweeting on the campus of a major university when he accidentally triggered his launcher. Newt ran across the 520 floating bridge, past the Microsoft campus, through Marymoor Park and climbed Mount Si before snaring his Capulet with what he described as a “basket catch.” He admits trampling a salmon habitat and disturbing a family of black bears on the outskirts of Redmond. “I think the bears were going to eat the salmon anyway,” Newt said.
The mayor of Wellington Leg welcomes the economic stimulus associated with launching placebos, but warned, “You have to be in pretty good shape to do what Newt did. This project my not be for everyone.”
The Crying of Lot 49: Volunteer slots will be auctioned in Pynchon Hall during normal business hours.
T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.
David, a placebo as effective as this one could be incredibly dangerous. As the side-effects (exhaustion, sprained ankles, dog bites, etc.) begin to accumulate on the packet, a powerful nocebo effect will undoubtedly begin to manifest. I foresee the capulet (and its launcher) being taken off the shelves following a major class action.
Jack, a person could poke an eye out with one of those launchers.