David Thayer

On the road: Your reporter is on assignment this weekend. Wellington Leg, a shimmering city on the hill, is expecting fair weather through tonight into the wee hours.

Witch Trial Scheduled: the Wicked Witch who turned Geraldo into a frog will go on trial next week at Central Assizes not far from The Tower. Jury selection is complete although the inclusion of a market weight hog and a Googlebot is certain to raise eyebrows. D&L Publisher Ernst Von Lowbrau has editorialized that “she’s a witch, she’s guilty, we don’t need a trial!”

The hog in question may be Mortimer Mayhew himself a victim of the defendant. “I think the defendant turned Mortimer into a Hog even as she transformed Geraldo into a frog.” Only the kiss of Frederika Fress reversed the spell restoring Geraldo to his “current condition.”

Judge Hamilcar Frist will preside. To amuse the mob he’s reinstating court room favorite THE GREEK CHORUS whose members will boo and hiss when the defense counsel speaks, cry, “she’s guilty!” when things get boring and wrangle the large assembly of small amphibians expected to turn out for the trial. “Many of the frogs and toads hereabouts are interested in the trial,” said Professor Moriarity. “After all, they may be taxpayers.”

Prosecutor Gonads plans to read from Kerouac in his opening statement after discarding the idea of HOWL in its entirety. Exhibit A is a motorized broom believed to be a means of transport for the defendant. Members of the Flying Squad will testify that the broom landed at Wellington Aerodrome “on time for a change.”

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Wellington Leg: In a traditional opening to the Literary Faire the Forty Third Earl will be shot from a cannon organizers say. The eighteen inch guns aboard the HMS Oscar Wilde will be loaded with a special explosive designed to speed the earl some forty miles from the launch site. Last year’s salvo sank two French frigates and ignited a war with the European Union. “That was embarrassing,” acknowledged Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe Chaire of the Faire. “It resulted in this blog’s dreadful rendering of the Battle of Agincourt.”

Herself Displeased: With her Tigers scuffling the Dowager Princess is considering expelling diplomats from the State of Michigan and possibly Ohio. Her Ford Preferred Debenture with a 2030 expiry has been a major disappointment. Local broker Taft Laffer faces beheading as the yield curve steepens. “She can’t behead a discount broker,” Taft said. “Can she?”

In other news Wellington Leg may change its name to Ellington Leg in the hopes of saving money. The Pennies from Heaven stimulus package has yet to jumpstart the local economy. For example Mrs. Antonia Fraser of Boddice Ripper Lane took her penny and placed it inside a cookie jar. She called police after reporting a gang of fed governors “lurking in her garden.”

The Tower is warning residents that Swiss Guards will be collecting unspent pennies after the 15th Ultimo.  Since no one knows when that is some are rushing to spend their penny with local retailers. Eddie Parker of Eddie’s Book Nook is selling the earl’s COLLECTED WORKS for a half-penny. “Pound for pound this is literature at its finest,” Eddie said.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting for Stimulus Now.

Wellington Leg: The Census Bureau has been counting heads in Wellington Leg, Cathargo Nova, and suburban Henley Hornbrook. They released the following statistics:

The vast majority of adults in the three communities are writers ( 97%).

The majority of children are hedge fund managers ( 54%). Several insist they are rabbits.

43,989 is the strength of the Roman legions in winter quarters near COSTCO. This figure ebbs and flows as scouts and skirmishers sally forth to taunt Towne officials.

Book promotion revolution? Bill Webb, a marketing genius, has moved to a loft style condo in Goth. “We’re going to say, when a book is published, excuse me, but I have a book for you to read.” The Excuse Me Campaign has already paid dividends for the forty third earl. “I was snoozing on the sofa,” the earl recalls, “when the doorbell rang. I’d forgotten about the Excuse Me sign in the front yard.”

Mrs. Bunny Chooton of Bath upon Steam purchased a copy of VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA. “I rarely go door to door when shopping,” she said. “I saw the Excuse Me sign and had to have that book.”

The earl’s staff is moving his sofa closer to the window. “I feel I’m a promotional whirlwind,” he said.

Dogsbody Urquhart Depew plans to take up station near the sign “weather permitting.” He called out to a passerby, but was struck by a snowball. “We all know who does the heavy lifting around here,” Depew said.

Wellington Leg: An accounting scandal at Yur Soveign Publishers threatens the future of Wellington Leg, this blog, and the free enterprise system. Regular readers will recall that Godzilla was invited to the Literary Faire where his memoir TOKYO IS TOAST struck a chord with a panel of jurors, judges, and a Greek Chorus.

Godzilla is Coming! Unable to satisfy his contractual dispute by peaceful means, Godzilla is returning to Wellington Leg. “He intends to eat the blog ONE MORE BITE OF THE APPLE,” a spokesperson reported. “If he has to, he’ll destroy Wellington Leg and the surrounding suburbs.”

Big G, Little O: At issue is the prehistoric monster’s earning stream. “Perhaps naively Godzilla signed with a vanity publisher. TOKYO IS TOAST was shopped thoroughly before YUR SOVEIGN inked a deal most favorable to themselves.”

Feelings Are Hurt:  Godzilla never signed his publishing contract. The document was incinerated when no one privy to the negotiations could find a Tic-Tac. “Godzilla exhaled and the contract burst into flame.”

Handlers say that Godzilla uses several signatures including Big G, Daddy G, Prehistoric G or just G. His publishing squabble pales in comparison with the subprime loan Daddy G acquired from the Piggy Bank last May. According to sources Godzilla ate the Piggy Bank’s blog FINE PRINT in what observers describe as a “fit of pique.”

Godzilla is scheduled for a Christmas Eve signing at Eddie’s Book Nook, Wellington Leg’s premier indy bookstore. Geraldo reporting for Weekend in the Leg.

Run for your lives!

Wellington Leg: For the second time in a month Wellington Leg is preparing for a celebrity author to arrive at or near rush hour. Not long after William Jefferson Clinton graced our shores, Barack Obama is here tonight. Accompanying Obama is Oprah Winfrey quite possibly the most famous woman in the world.

“Not since the Syrations of Rue departed Gelsinor,” said local fantasy writer Greg Nickels when ask to quantify his excitement. The Syrations of Rue were of course extraterrestrials who are thought to have designed many of Wellington Leg’s bizarre parking lots. Gelsinor may or may not be Earth depending on your perspective.

Eddie Parker of Eddie’s Book Nook has laid on twenty former NFL players to avoid a repeat of Black Friday. They subdued a Mrs. Whittier of suburban Gelsenkirchen after she leg whipped the quarterback even though the whistle had blown. “Not in my store,” Eddie said.

Officials at the Piggy Bank are suspending panic for the afternoon while the Piltdown Exchange will reopen at one minute after midnight for live hog trading. Alternate side of the street parking regulations are suspended but only for The Hours defined by Michael Cunningham.

DCI Borchardt and the Flying Squad are on alert until the celebrity visitors leave Burnham Wood and cometh to Dunsinane.  Arthur Murray reporting.

Wellington Leg: the Sixth Ultimo: in a coup for book store owner Eddie Parker, famed British novelist Jane Austen will visit his store later this month. According to Under Assistant West Coast promo man Niles of Battershore Ms. Austen will be accommodated at the Hotel Faz despite the recent roof removal work performed by Graf Gerd of Konstanz, an unlicensed contractor.

Can Hizzoner Pull it Together? After his display of “molecular disassociation” in the historic Rotunda pundits wonder whether Hizzoner will be on hand to greet Ms. Austen at Puffingham Station. Some of the king’s horses and several of the king’s men are assigned the daunting task of reassembling His Lordship prior to the historic visit.

To expedite matters the Towne Council has enlisted the aid of a five year old chimpanzee named Con. “Con outdueled the other candidates in short term memory tests,” noted Professor Emeritus Vito Corleone. “He was the only contestant who placed Hizzoner’s head upon his shoulders,” Vito added. “This is considered essential to the greeting ceremony planned for Ms. Austen.”

In preparation for the great day the marching band is perfecting its rendition of “Houses of the Holy” in the hopes of making the author feel at home. “We know she digs Zeppelin,” a spokesman said.

It is not clear if Con the Chimpanzee is a full time employee of the Towne or simply a contractor. Con spent his first official day at work reading the earl’s masterpiece VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA. When finished with the book Con vaulted a laurel hedge and sped off in a hybrid car on loan from Ueberagent Lydia Careerbreaker. An unknown quantity of query letters may be lost if the hybrid cannot be located.

Con was issued a driving license, according to police sources. The only restriction pertains to cell phone use while driving; Con enjoys eating cell phones and is considered a hazard to navigation.

“Hopefully we’ll have Hizzoner back together in time for Ms. Austen’s arrival,” DCI Borchardt said. The ban on fuzzy coats is now lifted, he added, although anyone impersonating a sheep or sheep will be fined.

Book editor Moira Breckenridge reporting.

Wellington Leg: After many years of feeling no pain Legians have the chance to observe All Saints Day with Bill, who not only feels our pain, but has captured it in the pages of his latest book. Clinton will sign his book at the University Bookstore this evening at 6pm PDT. Don’t even think about parking north of the ship canal; this is Bill Clinton and he’s going to fix our aging infrastructure.

Who got bumped? Mrs. Edna Farqua of Lake Forest Park was scheduled to read from her latest and was shocked to see 4,000 shivering fans lined up around the block. Edna failed to notice the big banner on the bookstore’s noble facade “Bill Clinton Tonight!”

A fantasy of mine is to have a massive turnout at my reading wherein streams of shining faces arrive to buy, buy, buy. Like many fantasies it requires ignoring some realities, but come on, we’ve had eight glorious years of ignoring reality in all its manifestations. Ignore it! It will go away.

Still the image lingers, the stir of the crowd, the anxious faces of booksellers not accustomed to crowd control. One little mix-up and the Bill Clinton spotlight abruptly shifts…to unknown author.

Of course the truth often Trumps these flights of fancy. I don’t know if Bill plans to distribute cash to the first one hundred customers. After all he is not running for office, so he’s free to do whatever it takes.

This is bigger than Doctor Phil. It’s certainly bigger than my meager imagination can grasp. All leaves are canceled for our beloved meter maids; get out there and write some tickets.

Bring your friends, bring your neighbors. Bring your pain.

Wellington Leg: An article in yesterday’s New York Times highlighted a cash giveaway outside a Barnes & Noble in NYC. Author Donald Trump was slated to appear promoting his latest THINK BIG AND KICK ASS. The Donald wasn’t handing out the dough; that was left to the Learning Annex founder and president Bill Zanker. Perhaps Mr. Zanker has learned a thing or two about author appearances: the first 100 fans were given $100, the next 200 received 50, and the unwashed thousand received 10. This, my friends, is the law of diminishing returns right here on the corner of Fifth and Forty Sixth. By the way if you add 5 and 46 you get fifty one and that would get you 100 if you’re accustomed to sidewalk events and know how to wait. All those years outside CBGB have paid off at last.

This sort of thing is not new. Professional mourners have been hired for years and now we have professional author fans. Of course, THINK BIG, resonates with several subgroups including:

People who are already waiting: these are bus people. Some of them ride a few stops and then wait some more. Very approachable from a marketing point of view.

Hangers On: they’re not entourage material, but they look excited. Oh My God it’s Donald Trump!

Lost People: they have maps, they have navigation systems and yet they find themselves bewildered when Bill Zanker hands them cash.

Once they accept the money they can’t very well ask directions to the Cloisters.

The Guy who has a meeting downtown: you know this guy. The question is, if he has a meeting downtown, what’s he doing in Midtown?

Fans of Donald Trump: they get it because they THINK BIG.

The Seattle Mystery Bookshop has a cavalcade of stars this week appearing in support of new releases in crime fiction. The city is cooperating by not jackhammering Cherry Street in their relentless pursuit of a Northwest Passage believed to be a gateway to China. The great search has shifted over to Second Avenue even as late summer tourists take the Underground Tour.

Your reporter met Tim Hallinan over the weekend. Tim’s Bangkok novel A NAIL THROUGH THE HEART was released in June by Wm. Morrow, an imprint of Harper-Collins. He’s at the Poisoned Pen in Phoenix this week, followed by a visit to M is for Mystery in San Mateo.

Tim and I established beyond a shadow of a doubt that I cannot remember anyone’s name. Luckily through grunting and pointing at books I was able to express my admiration for several authors whose names escape me. Michael Gruber, Denise Mina, Stuart MacBride, Natsuo Kirino sprang to mind when the spines of their books became visible.

Zoe Sharp is town on Thursday. Her novel SECOND SHOT is out. I read it and liked it, and it appears that her character, Charlie Fox, is moving to New York. Ms. Sharp is refreshingly grounded in the school of realism.

MJ Rose is here on Friday for a lunchtime appearance. Her latest novel, THE RESURRECTIONIST, is generating plenty of buzz.

Have you read TOKYO YEAR ZERO by David Peace? No? I want you to, and not only that, so do the entire staff of the Druidical & Literary including sullen intern Lucretia Borgia. I’ll have to gather my wits and talk about this novel another time. I’ve seen the James Ellroy comparison, in fact, he blurbed the novel, but my thoughts ran toward Mo Hayder’s THE DEVIL OF NANKING and even Shirley Hazzard’s THE GREAT FIRE.

Correction: MJ Rose’s new book is entitled THE REINCARNATIONIST, not what  I wrote earlier. Sorry MJ!

Wellington Leg: Ed Champion asked Marisha Pessl the following question: “What sort of herringbone plot structure did you jump off from?” Sadly we don’t know what Ms. Pessl’s reply was as the edition of the Bat Segundo Show “An Interview with Marisha Pessl” was spiked by Ed in deference to his inability to connect with his subject.

Marisha Pessl is the author of SPECIAL TOPICS IN CALAMITY PHYSICS, published by Viking last year.  The last time I wrote about Pessl the hits went through the ceiling and the squirrel cage that powers this blog overheated. But we’ve come not to praise Ms. Pessl nor defame her since the merits of her novel versus the size of her paycheck creates intense but uninformed response in the hearts of authors everywhere.

I’m thinking more about Ed than Marisha. He is the most talented book reviewer working today bursting at the seams with passion, energy and flamboyant insights that cause some discomfort, angst, even schadenfreude. Perhaps Marisha flinched in the batter’s box noting Ed in full windup is a daunting sight.

I think the correct answer to Ed’s herringbone plot structure question is: “Huh?” That’s just me. Someday I hope to be worthy of a Bat Segundo interview after topping the charts with one dazzling novel after another ( unputdownable!). Fortunately I have time to prepare for Ed with an informal study of men’s  suit and a subscription to WOMENS WEAR DAILY.

Here’s to seersucker plot devices and next year’s fashions.