Earl Tipped Over? A collective gasp was audible when the Smythe Award for Narrative Nonfiction was unveiled by master of ceremonies Consul Marius and his orchestra. The massive trophy was carried on to the dais by none other than Hercules accompanied by a squad of wrestlers from Wellington Greco-Roman. Big Herc delivered the trophy but in the process knocked over the earl’s folding chair sending the award winning author into the mosh pit near center stage.

Reversal of Fortune: With all eyes on the spotlit stage award presenter Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe reminded everyone that if the earl did not accept the award the coveted Smythe would be presented to the First Runner Up, a Mister Mann, Commander in Chief of Mall Security. Prudentia gave the earl five minutes to regain his lofty perch.

Gripping Melodrama: Meanwhile off stage the earl was being passed toward the center field fence ever further from the stage. With the minutes ticking by a clear headed fan loaded the earl into a home run cannon and lit the fuse.

Incoming: Mere seconds before the bemedaled Mall Boss rose to his feet the cannon fired sending the earl in a parabolic arc above the cheering crowd. Prudentia fainted, saved from serious injury by Big Herc as the earl began his descent toward literary fame. He landed with a tuck and roll in the Hemingway style before leaping to his feet arms raised in triumph.

Hundreds of bots rushed the stage probably due to some programming error just as Big Herc delivered the Smythe to the guest of honor. Staggering beneath the weight of the mighty trophy the earl fell off the stage a second time coming to rest near a French Horn.

“Next year we will conduct a more dignified Faire,” said organizer Mrs. Dalloway. “I don’t think literature and bodily injury go hand and glove,” she added.

Geraldo reporting.

Critical Path: Prudentia continues: “One simply cannot enjoy literature in the company of a hippopotamus. As a field experiment I dispatched DCI Borchardt to traffic amongst the creatures whilst reading aloud from last year’s victorious manuscript ( HER LYRICAL POETRY). One of the hippos yawned! Another wallowed in the mire. I think the time to hesitate is through.”

Portable Hair Dryers Deployed: Prudentia writes: “We’ve arranged hair dryers around the crop circle where I envision a great dais or stage will be erected.”

Her blog post is interrupted by a jet fighter breaking the sound barrier: “Unless Brenda of Goth is brought to heel I fear she will buzz the Faire in her accursed air superiority fighter.”

“A single Wellington Leg police Yugo is an inadequate response to Brenda’s high speed antics,” Prudentia writes to Druidical & Literary’s Op Ed Page. “I demand her MIG be confiscated. I demand that the roving hippos be removed from Yasgur’s Farm. If the Literary Faire is a fiasco, as I fear, it is on your heads.”

TTFN, Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe, Chaire of the Faire.

Her Second Career: Mothra spent a decade in Hollywood after indie success ravaging towns and cities in post war Japan. Perhaps disillusioned she left Hollywood and settled in Wellington Leg’s artsy Broadway neighborhood where beat poets once flourished. Accompanied by a pair of tiny singing geishas Mothra became a fixture on the night club scene.

Inspired by the Earl? Mothra turned to writing after a chance encounter with the forty third earl. She consumed all of his books and ate a lot of junk food reaching a peak weight of 20,000 tonnes. After slimming down with the Earl’s unappetizing prose Mothra entered local politics.

Godzilla Proof: Perhaps Mothra’s signature skill is disrupting Godzilla’s atomic breath laser beam stunt so familiar to art house fans. She can also direct bolts of lightning from her wings. This came in handy when negotiating her book deal: “First we offered 50 dollars for her book,” Publisher Marty recalled. “Then she flambeed my vintage Pinto.”

Additional money made no difference: “It turns out that Mothra eats money,” Marty said. “I thought it gave us something in common,” he added.

Eddie’s Book Nook has ordered fifty copies of the memoir. “I like her platform: I’m five hundred feet tall and have name recognition. I think she’s smoking hot.”

Witch Trial Scheduled: the Wicked Witch who turned Geraldo into a frog will go on trial next week at Central Assizes not far from The Tower. Jury selection is complete although the inclusion of a market weight hog and a Googlebot is certain to raise eyebrows. D&L Publisher Ernst Von Lowbrau has editorialized that “she’s a witch, she’s guilty, we don’t need a trial!”

The hog in question may be Mortimer Mayhew himself a victim of the defendant. “I think the defendant turned Mortimer into a Hog even as she transformed Geraldo into a frog.” Only the kiss of Frederika Fress reversed the spell restoring Geraldo to his “current condition.”

Judge Hamilcar Frist will preside. To amuse the mob he’s reinstating court room favorite THE GREEK CHORUS whose members will boo and hiss when the defense counsel speaks, cry, “she’s guilty!” when things get boring and wrangle the large assembly of small amphibians expected to turn out for the trial. “Many of the frogs and toads hereabouts are interested in the trial,” said Professor Moriarity. “After all, they may be taxpayers.”

Prosecutor Gonads plans to read from Kerouac in his opening statement after discarding the idea of HOWL in its entirety. Exhibit A is a motorized broom believed to be a means of transport for the defendant. Members of the Flying Squad will testify that the broom landed at Wellington Aerodrome “on time for a change.”

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Herself Displeased: With her Tigers scuffling the Dowager Princess is considering expelling diplomats from the State of Michigan and possibly Ohio. Her Ford Preferred Debenture with a 2030 expiry has been a major disappointment. Local broker Taft Laffer faces beheading as the yield curve steepens. “She can’t behead a discount broker,” Taft said. “Can she?”

In other news Wellington Leg may change its name to Ellington Leg in the hopes of saving money. The Pennies from Heaven stimulus package has yet to jumpstart the local economy. For example Mrs. Antonia Fraser of Boddice Ripper Lane took her penny and placed it inside a cookie jar. She called police after reporting a gang of fed governors “lurking in her garden.”

The Tower is warning residents that Swiss Guards will be collecting unspent pennies after the 15th Ultimo.  Since no one knows when that is some are rushing to spend their penny with local retailers. Eddie Parker of Eddie’s Book Nook is selling the earl’s COLLECTED WORKS for a half-penny. “Pound for pound this is literature at its finest,” Eddie said.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting for Stimulus Now.

The vast majority of adults in the three communities are writers ( 97%).

The majority of children are hedge fund managers ( 54%). Several insist they are rabbits.

43,989 is the strength of the Roman legions in winter quarters near COSTCO. This figure ebbs and flows as scouts and skirmishers sally forth to taunt Towne officials.

Book promotion revolution? Bill Webb, a marketing genius, has moved to a loft style condo in Goth. “We’re going to say, when a book is published, excuse me, but I have a book for you to read.” The Excuse Me Campaign has already paid dividends for the forty third earl. “I was snoozing on the sofa,” the earl recalls, “when the doorbell rang. I’d forgotten about the Excuse Me sign in the front yard.”

Mrs. Bunny Chooton of Bath upon Steam purchased a copy of VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA. “I rarely go door to door when shopping,” she said. “I saw the Excuse Me sign and had to have that book.”

The earl’s staff is moving his sofa closer to the window. “I feel I’m a promotional whirlwind,” he said.

Dogsbody Urquhart Depew plans to take up station near the sign “weather permitting.” He called out to a passerby, but was struck by a snowball. “We all know who does the heavy lifting around here,” Depew said.

Godzilla is Coming! Unable to satisfy his contractual dispute by peaceful means, Godzilla is returning to Wellington Leg. “He intends to eat the blog ONE MORE BITE OF THE APPLE,” a spokesperson reported. “If he has to, he’ll destroy Wellington Leg and the surrounding suburbs.”

Big G, Little O: At issue is the prehistoric monster’s earning stream. “Perhaps naively Godzilla signed with a vanity publisher. TOKYO IS TOAST was shopped thoroughly before YUR SOVEIGN inked a deal most favorable to themselves.”

Feelings Are Hurt:  Godzilla never signed his publishing contract. The document was incinerated when no one privy to the negotiations could find a Tic-Tac. “Godzilla exhaled and the contract burst into flame.”

Handlers say that Godzilla uses several signatures including Big G, Daddy G, Prehistoric G or just G. His publishing squabble pales in comparison with the subprime loan Daddy G acquired from the Piggy Bank last May. According to sources Godzilla ate the Piggy Bank’s blog FINE PRINT in what observers describe as a “fit of pique.”

Godzilla is scheduled for a Christmas Eve signing at Eddie’s Book Nook, Wellington Leg’s premier indy bookstore. Geraldo reporting for Weekend in the Leg.

Run for your lives!

“Not since the Syrations of Rue departed Gelsinor,” said local fantasy writer Greg Nickels when ask to quantify his excitement. The Syrations of Rue were of course extraterrestrials who are thought to have designed many of Wellington Leg’s bizarre parking lots. Gelsinor may or may not be Earth depending on your perspective.

Eddie Parker of Eddie’s Book Nook has laid on twenty former NFL players to avoid a repeat of Black Friday. They subdued a Mrs. Whittier of suburban Gelsenkirchen after she leg whipped the quarterback even though the whistle had blown. “Not in my store,” Eddie said.

Officials at the Piggy Bank are suspending panic for the afternoon while the Piltdown Exchange will reopen at one minute after midnight for live hog trading. Alternate side of the street parking regulations are suspended but only for The Hours defined by Michael Cunningham.

DCI Borchardt and the Flying Squad are on alert until the celebrity visitors leave Burnham Wood and cometh to Dunsinane.  Arthur Murray reporting.

Can Hizzoner Pull it Together? After his display of “molecular disassociation” in the historic Rotunda pundits wonder whether Hizzoner will be on hand to greet Ms. Austen at Puffingham Station. Some of the king’s horses and several of the king’s men are assigned the daunting task of reassembling His Lordship prior to the historic visit.

To expedite matters the Towne Council has enlisted the aid of a five year old chimpanzee named Con. “Con outdueled the other candidates in short term memory tests,” noted Professor Emeritus Vito Corleone. “He was the only contestant who placed Hizzoner’s head upon his shoulders,” Vito added. “This is considered essential to the greeting ceremony planned for Ms. Austen.”

In preparation for the great day the marching band is perfecting its rendition of “Houses of the Holy” in the hopes of making the author feel at home. “We know she digs Zeppelin,” a spokesman said.

It is not clear if Con the Chimpanzee is a full time employee of the Towne or simply a contractor. Con spent his first official day at work reading the earl’s masterpiece VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA. When finished with the book Con vaulted a laurel hedge and sped off in a hybrid car on loan from Ueberagent Lydia Careerbreaker. An unknown quantity of query letters may be lost if the hybrid cannot be located.

Con was issued a driving license, according to police sources. The only restriction pertains to cell phone use while driving; Con enjoys eating cell phones and is considered a hazard to navigation.

“Hopefully we’ll have Hizzoner back together in time for Ms. Austen’s arrival,” DCI Borchardt said. The ban on fuzzy coats is now lifted, he added, although anyone impersonating a sheep or sheep will be fined.

Book editor Moira Breckenridge reporting.

Who got bumped? Mrs. Edna Farqua of Lake Forest Park was scheduled to read from her latest and was shocked to see 4,000 shivering fans lined up around the block. Edna failed to notice the big banner on the bookstore’s noble facade “Bill Clinton Tonight!”

A fantasy of mine is to have a massive turnout at my reading wherein streams of shining faces arrive to buy, buy, buy. Like many fantasies it requires ignoring some realities, but come on, we’ve had eight glorious years of ignoring reality in all its manifestations. Ignore it! It will go away.

Still the image lingers, the stir of the crowd, the anxious faces of booksellers not accustomed to crowd control. One little mix-up and the Bill Clinton spotlight abruptly shifts…to unknown author.

Of course the truth often Trumps these flights of fancy. I don’t know if Bill plans to distribute cash to the first one hundred customers. After all he is not running for office, so he’s free to do whatever it takes.

This is bigger than Doctor Phil. It’s certainly bigger than my meager imagination can grasp. All leaves are canceled for our beloved meter maids; get out there and write some tickets.

Bring your friends, bring your neighbors. Bring your pain.