David Thayer

Hauptbahnhof: Train service between Wellington Leg and Russia was suspended yesterday after it was revealed that the Pacific Ocean is in the way. In a burgeoning scandal surrounding Mysterious Rail Tours, customers complained that instead of being carried to Russia they toured the Oregon town of Yachats.

Archibald Hairless of Henley Hornbrook booked a ticket with the company for a train ride through Siberia. Instead he now realizes that the train meandered through the Province of Alberta where he reported seeing numerous cows and the occasional Commissar waving to the train.
“That was probably a Canadian farmer,” Mr. Hairless recalled.

Sisters Charlotte and Emily Bronte are among those passengers who now feel duped by Mysterious Tours. After signing up for a trip to the Winter Palace in St. Petersburg, the sisters now believe they trained through the streets of Tacoma Washington. “We saw the Tacoma Dome,” Emily said. “That was nice,” she added.

The Flying Squad raided the offices of Mysterious Tours early Tuesday and carted off a scale model of Moscow. “It was very detailed,” said DCI Borchardt. “There was a tiny figure of Vladimir Putin waving from the Kremlin,” he said. Another Russian doll banged his shoe on the table, but only when sufficiently wound up.

Update: the express train to Yekaterinburg scheduled for a 16:45 departure this evening will leave on schedule. The train will bypass Magnolia Ridge and make steam for the Sea of Japan. First class passengers should arrive eleven hours early; no one seems to care when second and third class arrive. Large dogs are okay as long as they are on a leash. Distant relatives are okay too.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Wellington Leg: In what scientists are calling an unfortunate accident local author Tuffy Tuffington has been hurled into outer space aboard the experimental space craft Archie, sources on Mount Baker report. Wellington Leg entered the space race after the Dowager Princess ordered a forty foot likeness of Herself planted on the moon. Until today the cardboard portrait has been standing in the Dunkin Donuts parking lot. “This may be real progress,” a palace spokesperson said.

All Wheel Drive: The Archie spacecraft is a hybrid whose retro rockets resemble a Wurlitzer jukebox. “We wanted retro touches,” said Program Director Dawn. “Once Tuffy clears the earth’s atmosphere, he will be able to drive the Archie toward the moon. The owner’s manual is pretty complete although it is considered a work in translation.”

Don’t Press the Big Red Button: One theory that could explain the accidental launch involves a field trip for zoo animals who visited Mission Control late yesterday. After a game of ping pong two Orangutans slipped away from the party and entered the space launch module. “We’re not saying they hit the big red button,” Mall Security Chief Fierce Pierce remarked. A small fire at a Nordstrom’s Rack distracted everyone shortly before the space craft lifted off.

Dog Days: The Archie is designed to move through space at about 55 miles per hour. “Obviously we intended to honor the double nickel,” said program director Dawn. “If Tuffy goes a little faster, he should touch down on the moon about six years from now,” she added.

Another option is to launch a tow truck to retrieve both Archie and Tuffy. The truck would be hurled into space from atop Queen Anne hill, weather permitting. Queen Anne is often shrouded in fog in a chiaroscuro redolent with gloom. Local residents are opposed to the idea and vowed to stop the launch. “It would irresponsible to launch a tow truck into space,” one man said. He also demanded more street parking.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Wellington Leg: In an alarming report government officials, some of them quite high, are making no bones about it: nonsense production cratered in the first calendar quarter, continuing a trend that began in the fourth quarter of 2008. The report includes not only nonsense but stuff and nonsense a much higher form of output that includes having reporters stand in hurricane force winds lip syncing. In a recent scandal Wellington Leg TV put a reporter in front of a wind machine while he stood in a Fred Flintstone swimming pool. “That was a test,” said WTV Vice President Cheney. “How many times do I have to explain it?”

Controlling the means of production: “While a good deal of nonsense occurs naturally much of it is man-made,” noted Professor Thayer of the Cornright Institute. To demonstrate the professor spoke to a group or flock of pink flamingos who had gathered outside The Pink Flamingo perhaps in the mistaken belief that the group had located an ancient Flamingo habitat in the desert. Eventually the group was turned away by Flamingo Security personnel who, in turn, were let go in the economic downturn. “No one is suggesting cause and effect,” the professor said.

Congress Must Act: Long the staunchest defender of nonsense in the land Congress returns from the Mother’s Day recess in the nick of time. “I think we can get the nonsense quotient to approach the Manny Ramirez level,” a congressional observer said.

In a bit of good news the Flamingo Habitat will now include much of the Historic Rotunda and Perennial Garden.

Tuffy Tuffington reporting.

Wellington Leg: In a coup for the planning committee Mothra has agreed to deliver the opening address at the Literary Faire this August. The retired film star and prehistoric monster is planning a comeback, probably as a Vegas act, so today’s announcement is not a complete surprise. As always Mothra will be accompanied by a pair of singing shobijin; Mothra made her debut in the novel The Luminous Fairies by Takehiko Fukunaga and thus her literary credentials are impeccable.

Jousting To Mark Second Day: On the second day of the Faire contestants on horseback will clash on the Oval. This announcement makes the Forty Third Earl the odds on favorite to capture Best Novel by the Unhorsed, a category some feel is both dangerous and ridiculous. Naysayers point out that the skills required by an author have little to do with jousting or even horse back riding but if the traditionalists have their way the Literary Faire will be shaken by pounding hoofs and the clash of metal and the winner shall have earned their swag. 43 often appears in towne wearing his suit of armor or, at the very least, in helmet and visor. “His helmet now has Bluetooth,” reports dogsbody Urquhart Depew. “He can chat away with his helmet securely in place although he is unable to eat or drink whilst encumbered in a such a manner.”

Meanwhile the proprietor of Eddie’s Book Nook, Eddie himself, remembers Godzilla’s difficulties as a touring author and wonders if inviting Mothra to the Faire is a good idea. “Mothra defeated Godzilla head to head,” Eddie says. “She fires bolts of lightning from her fingers. Not many writers can do that.”

DCI Borchardt reports that the Flying Squad is ready for any contingency. He’s entering the Crime Fiction category with his Wellington Leg Confidential,a novel based loosely on his days with the Constabulary.

The Literary Faire opens August 10th.

Piltdown Exchange: Excitement roiled early trading on the exchange after literary futures rose unexpectedly. At the Live Authors Pit traders doubled down on the survival of the publishing while short sellers ran for the exits. The sudden burst of optimism coincided with the announcement that the forty third earl typed three words in a new manuscript before falling back to sleep.

Hog Wild: Envy hit the neighboring Live Hogs pit where market weight porkers jostled executives for a better view of literary trading. “This is where the action is on the floor,” said pit boss Tweed. “Anytime the earl is back in action you know things are going to be crazy.” Few traders can forget the Hog Rebellion of 2007 when the Piltdown Exchange was rocked by a series of literary frauds. At one point during the revolt the hogs controlled both the freight elevator and the remote control switching channels from CNBC to the Farm Report.

Dead Authors Thriving: Agents and reps got physical over at the Rights Pit where the poet Virgil went on sale shortly after the market opened. Latin poets rose 45 cents while mystery and suspense breached its two hundred day moving average. Regency romance bucked the trend reversing on the news that Queen Victoria is dead and has been for some time.

Nevertheless paranormal and vampire futures endured a triple witching expiration with little blood spilled. A bushel of vampire teeth sold for a new April high forming a contango against the July contract. With the yen strong and the Euro wobbling some of the vampires quit the floor. “I’m out of here,” said Count Vlad. “It’s tap city man,” he added.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.