Archive for the ‘Gripping Melodrama’ Category

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Mars Lander Visits the Leg

Sunday, June 22nd, 2008

Lesser Wallop: In a surprise move the Planet Mars dispatched a lander to examine life on earth. The three ton machine touched down in Lesser Wallop, Wellington Leg’s most glamorous suburb.  The interstellar probe set to work immediately according to Science Editor Giles Goatboy: “After a soft landing the craft deployed a stairway, several antennae, and gardening equipment. It began collecting soil samples, vegetation, and a discarded blender. There followed some whirring and banging sounds, perhaps light drilling.”

Burying the Lede: The big news, though, was the emergence of a ten foot robot from the maw of the ship. Local residents report an irresistible force field emanating from the robot. “It spoke to me,” reported Antoine “Tuffy” Tuffington of nearby Carthago Nova. “It wanted to get a library card.”

Chief Librarian Edna Ponson denied the Martian request: “Library privileges do not extend beyond our Bailiwick,” she said. “I doubt that a robot from another planet will return Led Zeppelin IV in a prompt and timely manner.”

Few can forget the last time extraterrestrials visited. One of them borrowed VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA from the Bookmobile and never returned it. “That fine approaches one million of today’s dollars,” Ms. Ponson said. “We simply won’t get fooled again.”

Hailing the Robot: To pacify the Space Monster the Wellington Leg Light Orchestra will perform a medley to include HOUSES OF THE HOLY and WHEN THE LEVEE BREAKS. Hizzoner plans to give a speech to the Martian Lander ( You Can Stay But You Gotta Pay Me Cash.) It’s not clear as of this writing whether Martians grasp the essentials of government graft. Still, it promises to make for an exciting Sunday despite the Fighting Gastropods eleven game losing streak.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Reading Solzhenitsyn at the Mall

Friday, June 20th, 2008

Prince of Denmark Shopping Center: In an effort to inject some pep into the otherwise gloomy staff of the Druidical & Literary we’ve given everyone the day off. Wellington High’s Pep Squad has free rein over the blog with its labyrinthine bells and whistles. While rumors of a newsroom coup circulate this reporter is at the mall.

Fact and fiction: The Roman Army in the New World is besieging Portland, Oregon, sources report. Staff reporter Geraldo was on the scene and filed this report. A word of caution: some of the scenes depicted here are highly improbable, possibly incendiary, and certainly appalling creating an adverb cluster and an aura of shameless melodrama.

Desperately Seeking Conan: Geraldo here, dateline, Chehalis Washington: Four Roman legions are on the move in this central Washington town after an incident at a local MacDonalds. “They came, they saw, they ordered eleven thousand Big Macs,” said sales associate Bonnie. “We invoked the ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’, Law,” Bonnie continued. “I think it’s a Law.”

It is the Law: A quick check with the Legal Department revealed that mail shirts and leather sandals do not qualify for service. “The Law is quite clear,” said an unnamed legal expert. “Bonnie was totally vindicated.”

South on Interstate Five: Ever since CONAN THE BARBARIAN ran at the Wellington Drive-In Roman commanders are convinced that Conan is our great leader. In an exclusive interview with Marcus Sevilius I learned that Conan is to be brought to Rome in chains.

Chains not required: Just a traffic reminder that chains are no longer required in the passes this June. The weather for metro Portland looks favorable this weekend, so the Romans expect to cross the Columbia River sometime Saturday.

Ten thousand ox carts may wreak havoc on Oregon highways. A word to the wise. Geraldo reporting.

Editor’s Note: Since we’re all at the mall the fact checking apparatus is questionable at best. A mail shirt is a shirt, isn’t it?

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Memo to Staff: Let Tolstoy In

Tuesday, June 17th, 2008

Wellington Leg: Rather than our usual content today ( Science on Tuesday) we are in the midst of a staff meeting. So the business of blogging is in the hands of intern Tuffy Tuffington Jr. Call it the Tuffington Post. A word of caution: the last time we turned the blog over to an intern he set Leo Tolstoy’s beard on fire. He compounded his error by dousing the flames with Dr. Pepper. Let’s hope Tuffy’s skills as an aggregator are as sound as his judgment.

Herewith the Tuffington Post: Dateline, Wellington Leg: Earl spotted on Great Jones Street: author, aristocrat, and raconteur the forty third earl was seen thumbing through a copy of Plutarch’s PARALLEL LIVES this morning. This raises fears that the earl may be working on a new novel and is seeking guidance from Plutarch whose agent, Lydia Careerbreaker, has spies everywhere. Of course the gullible among us believe that the earl has been swallowed by a blue whale. I’m not buying it!

Anyway I think the modernists would agree that Camus is your go to guy these days, not Plutarch. You know what I’m saying? Get over yourself, forty third earl!

Well, that’s the Tuffington Post. While I have control of the dashboard I’d like to shout out to Mom…hey Mom!

We interrupt the Tuffington Post. Tolstoy is in the lobby! We’ve dispatched young Tuffy downstairs to guide Tolstoy through the security gate. We share the premises with Mitch’s Moderne Hairpieces, wigmaker for the Judiciary Committee. With so many high profile Legians in need of hair, the lobby is frequently crowded. Fortunately I’ve prepared a memo to staff.

Tuffy, that’s not Leo Tolstoy. Run for your lives. He’s brought Godzilla upstairs!

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Cape Mouse

Monday, June 16th, 2008

The Piltdown Exchange: Wellington Leg’s famed literary exchange may be haunted according to reliable sources who do not wish to identified. Your reporter donned an elaborate disguise to gain access to the trading floor, the scene of a “quadruple witching” event as literary futures expire. VP of Market Specialists Tuffy Tuffington explained quadruple witching this way: “You have the Wicked Witch of the North and the Wicked Witch of the East meet South and West on the fifty yard line for the coin toss. The last time this happened instead of calling heads or tails they turned the referee into a Fig Newton.”

Careful with that Mouse, Eugene: Shortly before lunch mall security pursued a mouse onto the floor of the exchange. Captain Hook and Major Ladders captured the mouse near the Live Hog Pit but released it because it claimed to be Mighty Mouse. “He was wearing a cape,” said Hook and Ladders agreed. But then General Deschutes informed Ladders that all the mice in the building wore capes. Deschutes and Ladders resumed the chase. A quantity of Gruyere cheese was deployed to lure Mighty Mouse into the open. With crude oil rising Hook and Ladders ate the cheese before Deschutes and Ladders could spring the trap.

Quadruple Witching a Myth? Even before the mouse incident traders were nervous. Buying Interest faded after a person wearing a black hat rode a broom past the Podium. Floor specialist Zander Zeitgeist had unwrapped his baloney sandwich when a Fig Newton spoke to him. “He claimed to be a Zebra. He told me to call it in the air.”

Deschutes and Ladders took Zeitgeist into custody. “There’s no brown bagging on the floor of the Piltdown Exchange,” said Ladders who, remembering the Gruyere he’d eaten earlier, arrested himself.

A Steady Hand: General Deschutes gave the All Clear near the Rutabaga Pit. “Sometimes a Fig Newton is just a cookie,” he said.

Tuffy Tuffington Jr. reporting for the Wellington Literary Futures.

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Duchess Demoted to Rochester

Thursday, June 12th, 2008

Wellington Leg: The Baltimore Orioles have designated our own Duchess of Wey for assignment to Triple A Rochester. The news rocked the Gastropods front office as the team returns from an 0-9 road trip that included stops in Reading, PA. and Novosebirsk. The Duchess was 2-4 with a 4.55 ERA in eight starts with the Orioles. Her finest hour came against the Yankees when she blew away Jeter, Rodriguez, and Damon with her Bugs Bunny Change-up. “She looked awesome,” said one Yankee player. “Except for the floppy hat.”

Herself Perturbed? A rider from the Imperial Messenger Service delivered the news to the Dowager Princess early this morning. In perhaps an ominous sign the Princess gathered her War cabinet who supplied her with details on the state of Maryland. “Maryland is pretty tiny,” said a palace spokesperson. “I don’t think they have a navy,” he added.

Would She Move Without the Earl? Baseball fans may recall the days when the earl patrolled center field for the Fighting Gastropods. “In three years in center he never caught a single fly,” noted Urquhart Depew. “He was sound asleep by the second inning.” In fairness to the earl sports editor Mandy Rice-Davies commented, “His sedan chair may have limited his mobility.”

Blue States, Red States: Given Wellington Leg’s current difficulties with Michigan and Ohio, war with Maryland seems remote. “We’re not afraid of the Dowager Princess,” said former Michigan resident Mitt Romney. Still, her claims to the Upper Peninsula rankle some.

Nattering Nabobs: There is a bellicose minority who demand satisfaction for the demotion of the Duchess. None of the prospects sent to the Gastropods have risen above A ball thus far. “This is Moneyball?” asked a nabob. “A bunch of guys down in Salinas?”

A Google search reveals that Rochester is a city in upstate New York. Many observers fear that the Duchess will refuse to report setting off a bean ball war. “There will be chin music before this is over,” vowed Gastropods Manager Tuffy Tuffington. “Or my name isn’t Tuffy Tuffington.”

Tuffy Tuffington Jr. reporting.

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Lemonade Stand a Big Success

Monday, June 9th, 2008

Wellington Leg: Eugenia’s Lemonade Stand on the corner of Mincing Words Lane and Shredded Lettuce Street was a rousing success. Cashier Marge reported that sales were brisk in the morning session despite rumors that the Dallas Fed used the R word in a press release. “We collected four dollars in the morning,” Marge said. Things really heated up toward noon when Eugenia began auctioning 2year, 5year, and 10 year notes along with ginger snaps and a MIg 23 air superiority fighter. “We cleared about seven million after lunch,” Marge said.

Hamlet Flies a MIG: The MIG 23 bore the NATO designation Flogger. It’s top speed is fifteen hundred miles per hour. The MIG may have been sold at a garage sale earlier this month according to DCI Borchardt. “The Wellington Players are producing HAMLET FLIES A MIG at the Theater on the Green,” he reported. The play re imagines Hamlet during the Cold War.

Chasing the MIG: Bargain hunter Brenda of Goth raced down the suburban streets of Henley Hornbrook before entering the 405 Freeway at eleven hundred miles per hour. She’d pulled over at a convenience store for gas and a Big Gulp when she noticed police cars everywhere. Returning to the cockpit with her drink Brenda began playing with the toggle switches before revving to military power.

“She hit the afterburners and launched a missile,” Borchardt said.

Update from the Earl: Roland, the bartender at The Baltimore Grill, reported receiving a text message from the earl shortly before lunch. The actual message was lost after the popular bar was struck by an air to air missile. Police theorize that the missile may have been the same one launched by Brenda of Goth. In addition to leveling the Baltimore Grill the missile singed the coat of Mister Reynolds, a prize winning Standard Poodle.

The earl published a monograph last year entitled The MIG at your Garage Sale, a cautionary tale. A tattered copy of the essay was located in a cardboard box beneath Eugenia’s lemonade stand. “If only Brenda of Goth had read the essay before driving off in a MIG,” DCI Borchardt said. He cited the lemonade stand for creating a public nuisance.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Leg Rattles Saber

Thursday, June 5th, 2008

Wellington Leg: French warships have intercepted the podcast launched by the forty third earl early yesterday. The frigates Lafarge and Moliere outmaneuvered Legian ships under the command of Sea Lord and talk radio host Vicious Sid in a battle that lasted several minutes. Wellington Leg threatened to recall its ambassador to the Quai Dorsay: “We will recall our ambassador as soon we recall who that individual is,” said a spokesperson for the palace. Someone from Wellington Leg traveled to Paris several years ago to research a book about Herself in the Early Years but ran out of money. “This person went to debtor’s prison and may have been guillotined,” the announcement read.

Our Fleet: Where was Our Fleet? As they rowed toward the drop zone the crew of HMS Bristol Stomp sensed naval disadvantage. “We started the outboard when the Moliere fired a shot across our bow. There was a big splash.”

The big splash, of course, was the pod reentering earth’s atmosphere hurtling toward the churning waves of Gastropod Alley at speeds exceeding seven hundred miles per hour. The precious artifact, evidence of the earl’s reckless disregard for his own safety, fell into the hands of the Moliere’s crew. “This is a historic moment,” said Commander Guy from the forecastle: “We now possess actual video of life inside a whale’s belly.”

Pirated versions of the podcast reveal the earl snoozing in a leather club chair deep inside the great whale. “It looks as though the whale swallowed the Harvard Club,” noted one pundit. The grainy quality of the video cast doubt on reports that whales write notes to other whales.  A quick call to New York confirmed that the Harvard Club was still there. “We’re fine. We have chilled salmon on the menu today.”

The Harvard Club is members only.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Fund Managers to the Leg

Thursday, May 22nd, 2008

Wellington Elementary School: With the secret of Eugenia Phaeton’s financial success about to be revealed, fund managers gathered for Story Time at our local grammar school. Regular readers may recall how 9 year old Eugenia rocked the financial markets with her show and tell project My Hedge Fund. Today she disclosed that after her project received a C from Mrs. Haggerty, Eugenia borrowed 1.4 billion dollars from a consortium of money center banks. The “no-doc loan” ignored the fact that the loan application included a stick figure crayon drawing now believed to be a self-portrait.

Tootsie Roll Defense: On advice from Timmy, a classmate, Eugenia attempted to corner the Tootsie Roll market but her mother cracked down. Instead of buying candy Eugenia began shorting the very money center banks and prime brokers who had loaned her money in the first place. As their stocks cratered Eugenia leveraged her position by sticking out her tongue at other managers and making them cry.

Treasury Secretary Paulson is insisting that the loan to Eugenia be nullified and that her controlling interest in Citigroup be “rolled back.” But My Hedge Fund has liquidated its position: Eugenia has fourteen billion dollars in treasury bills.

Governors on a Blanket: Many of the central bank’s regional governors attended Story Time today, and one, Ben Bernanke, had to be hushed by Mrs. Haggerty. “Chairman Bernanke was urging Eugenia to underpin the US dollar when Mrs. Haggarty reminded him that Story Time is also Quiet Time.”

Executives from Merrill Lynch, Lehman Brothers, and Morgan Stanley will conference call with Eugenia unless Scooby Do is on. “They had better not call after six,” Eugenia’s Mom warned. “Especially from the Euro Zone,” she added.

T. Rex Love-handles reporting.

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Earl Swallowed by Whale

Sunday, May 18th, 2008

Gastropod Alley: As if the hot weather were not enough Wellington Leg was shocked to learn that their very own Earl of Watership Down has been swallowed by a whale. The incident occurred Sunday when the earl sailed his Fred Flintstone model raft into the choppy waters of Great Bowring Bay shortly after brunch at the Hotel Faz. Sailors aboard the Adrienne Barbeau observed the earl rowing east southeast when the mammoth beast rose from the depths and swallowed him. They notified the Port which, in turn, notified the ship that the port had been notified.

Ironies Abound: Just last spring several whales beached themselves near Cape Schmier. The earl drove them back to the sea by reading aloud from his masterpiece VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA. Whales, despite their great size, fear bad prose as much as the next guy. He then saved a Beluga that Boris has flushed down the toilet eleven years earlier unaware that the fingerling was now bigger than a Volvo station wagon.

Raft recovered: Local potter Anthony “Tony Prawns” Provenzano had just finished throwing a business rival over his roof when Fred Flintstone sailed through the air striking Mr. Prawns on the chin. By the time the Flying Squad arrived, the damage had been done: twenty three bullet holes had punctured the raft destroying the Pebbles and Bam-Bam outriggers. “Who shoots a rubber raft?” asked DCI Borchardt. “Who flushes a whale down a toilet?” Mr. Prawns rejoined.

How whales Communicate: a waterlogged note reading “swallow the earl” washed ashore near the Betty and Veronica extension of Wellington University. Professor Moriarity examined the note using a cathode ray and a bit of spandex: “I can tell you that the note was written by a blue whale using a Sharpie,” he said. “Now we know how whales communicate.”

Hizzoner considered lowering all flags to half mast but no one could shimmy up the flagpole. Anyone wishing to offer assistance in the matter may contact City Hall or by writing a note using a Sharpie.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Library Space Station Nixed

Friday, May 16th, 2008

Wellington Leg: The launch of the Book Spacemobile has been delayed sources closest to Big Rock Candy Mountain report. Wellington Leg Orbiting Books, a Nevada Corporation, reported a Big Bang after volatile rocket fuel spilled all over a nearby housing development.

The Flying Squad responded to a complaint from Mrs. Phillida Beaufort of Number Two Politburo Prospekt. “She claimed that scientists had trampled her bed of primroses,” DCI Borchardt reported. The team of specialists had been dispatched to assess the fuel situation. When police arrived they found no scientists but did notice a grazing hippopotamus in the front yard.

One of Our Hippos is Missing: Over at Greg’s Haus of Hippos wrangler Marty is counting noses. “Well, we had thirteen hippos yesterday. Now we have fourteen, I mean, twelve.” Thirteen hippos is a Baker’s Dozen. Fourteen is illegal. Twelve means that one of our hippos is missing.

Mrs. Beaufort is against the orbiting book mobile. Last year a decaying spy satellite fell to earth mere inches from her late model Volkswagen Jetta. “I expect more from our city government than having books falling from the sky,” she said. “And, they are not addressing the hippo menace.”

Hailing the Hippo: “It’s not easy getting the attention of a grazing hippopotamus,” DCI Borchardt said. Members of the Flying Squad shouted and waved their arms to little affect. “Look it’s yawning!” someone cried. Attempts to trap the hippo with butterfly nets only aroused the creature’s ire. Before lumbering off the hippo crushed an official police bicycle.

Some believe that the Big Fat Guys secretly support the books in space program and my be using the hippo threat to garner public support. The space station would have a lookout tower providing an early warning system should hippos mass in numbers near Towne.

Science Editor Delancy Clancy reporting.

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