David Thayer

Wellington Leg: Last week the publishing world unveiled the latest in the fake memoir fill in the blank scandal overshadowing the publication of numerous novels, biographies, and Obama outtakes that might otherwise have gained traction. Let’s not even mention Elliot Spitzer or the lady who called Hillary “a monster” or the resignation of Geraldine Ferraro who wasn’t even working the last time I looked.

Certainly our scandal is not very competitive compared to these. The news cycle is relentless and besides the publishing capital of the universe packed up and moved when no one was looking.

The New York Times proclaimed Seattle as the center of the publishing universe, but that’s a dodge, of course, because of the scandals. Six months from now the Times will move the center of the universe again; my guess is Fort Myers Florida. Center of the publishing universe.

Lingering with the Times article for a moment Starbucks Entertainment moved their book team to Los Angeles to be closer to Hollywood. Starbucks chooses a book every two or three months, and according to Alan Greenspan’s memoir, that’s low productivity. Perhaps the proximity to Hollywood bodes ill for bookish people from Seattle who are probably stunned by the daily sunshine. That’s what they talk about when they’re supposed to be choosing a book. I suggest moving them back to Seattle where the cruel stars of the night are rarely visible. They know an occluded front when they see one; they know it will rain on their parade.

I should apologize to author Kjell Eriksson whose novel CRUEL STARS OF THE NIGHT was published before the switch in the center of the universe occurred. Gotebord Sweden might be another candidate for center of the publishing universe or maybe Havana what with Jose Latour’s rather excellent HIDDEN IN HAVANA now available in stores.

Here in Wellington Leg many of the citizens are working on memoirs of their own. No one knows if any of these manuscripts will find their way onto the scandal pages but hope springs eternal. Meanwhile the staff at the Hotel Faz is diligently searching their records for any sign of Humpty Dumpty’s recent stay. Mr. Dumpty charged $4,340 to his mini-bar but claims he never ate the Snickers bar in question. The Flying Squad is investigating what may become known as Mini-Gate.

Concetta Comedia Del’Arta reporting.

Wellington Leg: This year’s Literary Faire will seek submissions for theme based works on the subject of money according to Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe, Chaire of the Faire. Chalfont-Smythe took note of Wellington Leg’s dreadful finances during her semi-annual tuneup at Bo W’s chic literary salon and tire recapping Institute. “I think the mismanagement of Towne finances is a scandal,” she said. “Equally appalling is the realization that we owe vast sums of money to an eight year old hedge fund manager.”

Red Faced Officials: Chalfont-Smythe’s remarks were a reference to local girl, Eugenia Phaeton, a third grader at Wellington Elementary. Eugenia’s show and tell project, My Hedge Fund, controls a significant portion of both The Piggy Bank and Hizzoner’s Own Slush Fund. Her yen dollar carry trade position was unwound just as the credit crunch reduced the value of the Towne’s Collateralized Gummi Bear Instruments ( CGBI).  “In truth Eugenia cornered the gummi bear market forcing towne officials to pay exorbitant sums to reclaim a mere fraction of perceived value.”

Faire to be Scaled Back? Last year’s ten month long extravaganza cost the Bailiwick of Leg ” a small fortune.” There was ill will after Chalfont-Smythe swept all eight of the literary prizes, unprecedented in the long history of the Faire.  An impeachment movement stalled after Chalfont-Smythe hired T. Rex Love-Handles to “go about the precincts of Towne in a bellicose manner,” according to her press release.

Her power base secured, Prudentia has flown to northern California to discuss the San Jose Sharks with an audience of hockey fans. According to private investigator Arthur Murray, Prudentia flew coach. “She’s a fiscal tiger,” Arthur said. Natasha, Queen of the Universe, reporting.

Wellington Leg: The Leaning Tower of Henley Hornbrook, long a tourist draw, is not leaning anymore. A mysterious visitor exposed the tower fraud in a letter to the Druidical &  Literary this past weekend. “Your so-called leaning tower stands perfectly straight and true,” he wrote. “I will never return to Wellington Leg. Also, I went to COSTCO and saw no sign of the fifty thousand Roman soldiers you claim are beseiging your Towne. Finally, whilst browsing Eddie’s Book Nook I was assailed by a gloomy publicist and forced to wear Fred Flintstone sunglasses.”

The scandal has forced the Flying Squad to investigate both the leaning tower ( it looks crooked to me) as well as the insinuation that customers at Eddie’s Book Nook shed their 3D glasses for the Flintstone variety.

DCI Borchardt released a statement: “The Leaning Tower is being examined by a team of tower experts who, as of this writing, remain locked in a furious battle with elements of the Decima Claudia Legion who struck from ambush at the height of the morning rush.”

Borchardt spoke off the record to this reporter: Mrs. Granville Houston of Henley Hornbrook is in custody after admitting she’d spent the weekend “straightening up” around towne. Mrs. Houston has a record; she removed the fake mustache from the statue of the Earl on Horseback last year, confirming the suspicion that the earl does not wear a mustache nor, in fact, does he ride a horse.

A Googlebot checked out of the Hotel Faz Monday morning leaving behind a drawing of the Leaning Tower and a sketch of Fred Flintstone. “We have our suspicions,” Borchardt said removing his sunglasses to reveal another pair underneath.

Rex Love-Handles reporting for Page Seven.

Wellington Leg: In an exclusive to the Druidical & Literary a senior scout for an interstellar civilization comes clean about why they are here, among us, and why they gravitate toward life in Wellington Leg. D&L intern Heather DeMedici sat down with “Jose Canseco” a nomme de guerre adopted by the Visitor from Space.

Let’s get something clear at the beginning: are you using steroids?

Steroids are a snack food on my planet. They enabled us to push our first space ship off our planet.

What happened then?

Well, we got a jumpstart from a motorist on the Major Deegan.

Were you scared?

I was because I had finished reading BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES. We fear bond traders in our culture.

Why Wellington Leg? Why are you here?

Wellington Leg has a billboard on the edge of town welcoming visitors. And, to be honest, we thought Lou Reed lived here.

Are you saying he doesn’t?

We’re not sure. We like COSTCO though.

Are you able to shape shift?

Only on Wednesdays. That’s why the DMV is so crowded midweek.

Why are you visiting earth?

We’re looking for Max’s Kansas City. Our powerful Leader dropped in thirty five years ago and hasn’t been seen since.

What’s his name?

Jose Canseco.  We all have the same name.

Why do you resemble giant squids?

One of our marketing people dreamed that up. We thought you would find the look reassuring.

I’m like, yuck, you know?

It’s an inconvenient shape, I’ll grant you that.

Thanks for sitting down with me today.

Grab a handful of Alien Growth Hormone on your way out.

While some wring their hands about Rupert Murdoch’s bid for the Dow Jones Co., home of the beloved Wall Street Journal, let us remember that News Corp already controls Harper Collins and My Space, a kind of stranglehold on publishing from opposite ends of the spectrum. The board of Dow Jones chose not to respond to Rupert’s overtures, turning up their noses at the tabloid king.

Here in Wellington Leg a similar crisis brews. The Druidical & Literary, a broadsheet of impeccable taste, plunged into the online world in 2005 with ONE MORE BITE OF THE APPLE, a blog devoted to all things literary in the Leg. What a strategic move! Two out of three former Soviet republics now turn exclusively to this blog when incomprehension becomes insatiable, that is to say, the less understood of les affaires litereuse explored so deeply and so often herein.

Now the Daily Druidical & Literary is completely edible becoming the first newspaper that not only features book reviews but tastes good too. Only a Socialist Pratt would object to consuming 750 words of cogent criticism or yesterday’s box scores so quickly rendered obsolete. With the Earl assuming the role as Page Seven Editor-at-Large we believe that the quality control issues that have manifested from time to time are a thing not only of beauty but of the past!

This is the last time we talk about flan, fixing the Super Bowl, parking at COSTCO, Adrienne Barbeau, VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA, chunky versus light tuna, Hugo Chavez, assorted Roman legions, the seige of Los Angeles, abalone entrails, or emiment domain. We’re on task: we’re on budget, we’re pulling into COSTCO now. Damn the parking lot is full of chariots.

There are the new centurions? Let them eat book reviews.

Members of the towne council are debating a proposal to acknowledge that Wellington Leg is a figment of someone’s imagination. Lord Holgate, the man who translated INNAGADAVIDA, made the startling suggestion during question time Friday. If Wellington Leg is a figment or construct the towne may qualify for federal aid. Holgate presented several arguments supporting his controversial idea.

The Roman Invasion: although everyone in Wellington Leg is aware that the Roman army has invaded, few if any outsiders share this assessment. The city of Los Angeles, for example, seems indifferent to the fact that four legions menace her borders.

“A blog with a literary focus” Lord Holgate argues that Wellington Leg along with Goth, Carthago Nova, and Henley Hornbrook are part of an obscure metaphor about a Utopian ideal somehow related to marine biology.

Language issues: although written in English Wellington Leg’s constitution is understood best by those who don’t speak English. A quick survey of visitors reveals a vast array of interpretation even though the sign says DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT PARKING HERE a quote from the Preamble.

Our daily newspaper, THE DRUIDICAL & LITERARY, claims to be delivered to our doorsteps but in fact arrives via RSS feeds. The city ordered the construction of a massive ditch in order to accomodate these “feeds” but at last report cost overruns threaten the future of the ditch. And why are workmen using tiny plastic shovels? The D9 grader ordered from Caterpillar is only four inches long.

For a transcript of Lord Holgate’s Compleat Thoughts and Caterpillar’s Entire Product Line please write to: What Has This Got to Do with Literature? Rabbits Down Close, Wellington Leg CBGB. A podcast is available at Judy’s Pizza Haus where customers throw pies and dance the night away. Hamilcar Frist reporting for the Eye in the Sky.

After being slapped by a Google glove, the earl will fight a duel with author Baron Roquefort Montescue near the Seven Dials on Thumping Monk Square. The Baron, a member of a local critique group, was the subject of a literary expose in last week’s edition of the Druidical & Literary, an article penned by the earl. “Montescue plagiarized entire passages of VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA. He shamelessly lifted sections of RIMBAUD wherein a Prince of Pomerania is lowered from a helicopter into the Winter Palace.”

For comparison, let’s examine two sentences: “Was it wise to rescue Alexandra in this foul weather or wait for Spring?” ( Voltaire’s Miasma.) “The weather, though foul, played second fiddle to Alexandra’s sudden reluctance.” And later: “Her goggles fogged over and tears leapt from her eyes,” versus, “She wept through a goggled fog.” Or, “Lord Pendragon, awakened from sleep, shouted, ‘boo-yah’ and rammed the Forthright.” “Sea Lord Pendragon, addled by slumber, shot the stars and rammed the Forthright.”

A Matter of Honor? Judge Hamilcar Frist, awakened from slumber, issued a statement after careful review of all passages. “Where in Tsarist Russia would one locate a helicopter?” Dueling is forbidden under City Ordinance Twenty Two: “No two or four shall engage one another or the others or themselves in suche folly.”

Judge Frist read a passage from his Work in Progress: “After inventing a flying machine, I approached the Winter Palace, though weeping through goggled eyes from turbulence…Alexandra waved from the roof, her Google Gloves bitten with frost.”

Baron Rocquefort will employ a T-72 main battle tank in his duel with the earl. Though obsolete, the T-72 is formidable in close quarters. The T-72 will be provided by Bob’s House of Tanks on Auto Row. J. McEnroe reporting.

Mr. Jeremy Whiting of Rook Upon Castle used a robot to complete his 50,000 word NaNoWriMo novel according to Flying Squad Commander DCI Borchardt. The robot completed a potboiler called THAT SMYTHE WOMAN. It tells the story of an heiress, wrongly accused of murder, who finds peace in the building trades as a marble cutter. “It’s a pretty good story,” Borchardt said. “There are problems though. She falls in love with a robot. The Hero is a robot. The villain is described as ‘human.’”

The story is set in Seattle during 30 days of constant rain, snow mixed with rain, sleet, and football injuries. In the opening scene the main character, Ark, is seen pulling Subarus from ditches. He enjoys spot welding and Google searches. When Ark encounters the stranded Mrs. Smythe beneath a seismically challenged overpass, sparks fly. “Ark disassembles a Lexus SUV,” Borchardt said. “When he eats the windshield, though, one wonders whether the story isn’t riddled with magical realism.”

Professor Moriarity, speaking off the cuff, said that the robot was programmed to write genre fiction during a tune-up in September. “You can’t blame Ark for the state of modern literature,” he said. As for Mr. Whiting, his entry has been disqualified. His writing desk, with its coveted ocean view, will face the wall until further notice. A vintage Royal typewriter has been confiscated, and the robot author will be reconfigured for Subaru repair. “Deep down, he’s a body and fender man,” noted publicist Lars Kierkegaard. Lars landed a Saab Viggen fighter on the 405 at the height of the morning rush. “My windshield wiper broke,” he said. JT Leroy reporting.

Dateline Wellington Leg: HRH J Mansfield Prison will be converted to condo use according to real estate developer and mystery writer Nora Charles. Nora’s husband, Nick, said the warden’s office will be a penthouse suite overlooking historic Threadneedle Alley. Local artist Benny will paint a mural on the far wall of the alley. “It’ll have puffy white clouds on a field of local lettuce,” he said. Nick and Nora plan to occupy the penthouse with their dog and houseman. Once settled in, they will resume solving local mysteries with a focus on the Thuringian Dressmaker Case. “We think the earl is innocent,” Nora said. “That’s why we bought the property.”

The Earl remains behind bars in the turnip throwing incident many believe incited the Valeria Victrix legion to invade Wellington Leg in the first place. Since the arrival of Roman forces, GDP is down while CPI is up. PPI remains unchanged but the cost of query letters, the city’s major export, has risen dramatically. DCI Borchardt, whose WIP Wellington Leg Confidential was leaked to the tabloid press, estimates that his queries, after being steam opened and disseminated at the Wellington Leg Literary Faire, are now in the hands of Roman skirmishers. In fact, Borchardt is now querying exclusively in Latin.

Postscript: the mysterious deluge of disposable cameras that struck Hizzoner’s Family Pool Hall last week may be explained by the erratic orbit of the Spy Satellite launched here in September. “The satellite fell out of geosynchronous orbit after being rear ended by a lime green AMC Pacer,” police sources said. The news may lead to the cancellation of “Launch a Pacer into Space” a reality television show produced by our own Wilfedo Tagesblatt, VP of Development. One of the Pacers splashed down near the Straights of Magellan. Efforts to recover the Pacer have been complicated by severe weather and lack of oarsmen. “It’s six thousand miles away,” Mr. Tagesblatt said.

The new condo units will be made of Silly Putty. Bobby G reporting and fabricating under deadline.

It’s not often that the opportunity to interview an actual mogul comes along. Moguls are scarce on the ground and we’ve had Marty before explaining why he bought up all the publishing houses and ruined the business. We caught up with him near Redmond Washington where he’s vacationing. Marty was dressed in the gear of a decurion in the Vicessima Claudia Legion reenacting the battle of Lake Trasimere.

How goes the battle?

Hannibal’s troops have camped on that hill over there past the Seven Eleven. Tomorrow they’ll attack out of the fog and slaughter us.

You ruined the publishing business in the wake of a bitter divorce: how’s the dating going? Do you think if you find the right woman you’ll sell some publishing houses?

My people are crunching the numbers on the dating scene right now. I’m reading a lot of chick lit in the hopes of understanding that side of the biz. Here’s my question: why should we pay writers anything? People should be happy to see their name on the cover.

Marty, what’s your take on crime fiction?

It’s expensive. My cost benefit analysis indicates serious inefficiencies; again the writer is the problem. Now we’ve designed a robot capable of writing 23,000 words per day. Granted, someone has quirt 10-40d on the bot but that job is entry level. This robot produces a novel every four days.

Wow. Are the books any good?

Well, they deal with robot themes. Like I wish I had real hands, stuff like that.

You mean The Tin Man Syndrome?

Good title. I’ll pay you a quarter for it.

50 cent.

Writers are greedy. Once this robot thing takes off you’ll be out of luck.