David Thayer

Special to Weekend Edition of the Druidical & Literary: these stories while based on fact, are not based on facts relevant to the stories but rather other facts such as the exact height of the Colossus at Rhodes. Your reporter, armed only with a thesaurus and a primitive map of the New World, can only speculate as to how these facts may influence the course of human events. Call it budget cuts, call it shoddy journalism, these stories are sponsored by Bill’s House of Cars on the Romantic Road. Need a car? Bill’s Pledge to You: Your credit history is not a problem at Bill’s House of Cars. Free loaners for life. Tell Bill the exact height of the Colossus at Rhodes and win a chamois! Here now the news:

Judges from the Court of Public Opinion were arrested in a dawn raid by members of the Flying Squad. Acting on an anonymous tip police and paramilitary units from Fort Santorum assaulted the residence of Judge Crater. Several of the jurists were discovered in the neighboring village of Flagrante Delicto according to witnesses. A crate of Richard Cheney masks were confiscated along with a quantity of knockoff French Perfumes. “The smell was terrible,” reported Mrs. Jolie of Portobello Court in Goth. Barrels of watered down Chanel fragrances floated ashore near the estuary late Saturday night. “Red abalone beached themselves,” said DCI Borchardt. “We’ve nipped this smuggling ring in the bud.”

Suspicion fell on the Earl whose high street emporium The Nose Knows has violated anti-witchcraft ordnances. Mrs. Anderson-Cooper, Prosecutrix, interviewed in a hot air balloon, believes that the master of MV Longueduc conspired with the earl to flood the market with cheap perfume. “This is a scene from Voltaire’s Miasma,” she claimed, referring to the earl’s self-published potboiler wherein a philosopher turns to piracy. “They’re guilty of barratry.”

Counsel for the Defense Mr. Putts reminded everyone that the earl was in possession of a “Letter of the mart” signed by the Dowager Princess. “He is an authorized buccaneer.” Opening arguments will be presented in a alphabetical order according to Judge Crater. “There will be order in the court,” he vowed.

Dateline Wellington Leg: The virtual offices of the Druidical & Literary were raided shortly after dawn. The raid involved very tiny people wearing specialized equipment such as official Old Guy Sunglasses and Google Chest Protectors. Thus equipped the members of the flying squad were delivered into cyberspace with a specially modified squirt gun designed by D&L reporter and apparent turncoat, Bobby G. The warrants were provided by Judge Crater who indicated in court documents that he was tired of “missing out.” The jurist’s sympathies were aroused by Bobby G’s continued complaining about working from a stairwell, albeit a virtual one.

Collected in the raid were “various blogging impedimenta and equipamentos” according to reporter Aemelia Erhardt. These objects were gathered during a surprise heat wave that forced many of the strike team members to don damp cloths worn on their skulls. In one frightening encounter two men wearing identical Old Guy Sunglasses collided from five feet away, interrupting the flow of data from the blogger’s lair. Several pair of bunny slippers were confiscated.

Mrs. Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe ordered the raid after weekend “posts” were found to be both “offensive and silly.” She promises that new staff will be assigned to the Druidical & Literary as soon as suitable candidates can be interviewed. “I think the opinions of people…wearing bunny slippers must perforce be rejected out of hand,” she said. In an embarrassing sidebar to the story Chalfont-Smythe was discovered wearing Boris and Natasha slippers she claimed not to recognize. This is the earl reporting.

A peaceful Sunday in Wellington Leg turned curious when city officials began digging a massive trench near the Olde Towne. This reporter was unable to confirm a rumor that Jimmy Hoffa may be buried near the statue of Venus We Barely Knew Ye not far from Frankie Avalon Square. DCI Borchardt flew in from the BEA conference in Washington DC where he toured the Rose Garden after pitching his manuscript, Little Women, Big City to famed editor Dan Conaway. In an odd twist of fate the main character in Brochardt’s novel believes she runs the Teamsters Union. Borchadt reported that Mr. Conaway said “hmm” at one point during the pitch.

Borchardt also reports dancing with Miss Snark at the agents cotillion held in the DuPont Circle mansion of Bruce Wayne. “I think it was…she,” Borchardt said. They performed a series of latter day Polkas written by the Dowager Princess as she prepares to assume the throne of Bavaria. Her company car, an eight series Beemer, was provided courtesy of Bayerische Motoren Werke.

City officials were vague about when the massive dig might conclude. Captain Kirk of the Wellington Leg Constabulary suggested that commuters “avoid the center of towne whilst refraining from digging on their own.” A Mrs. Eudora Sparks of Goth was cited for “unauthorized use of a digging implement” late Saturday. “It’s a scandal,” said attorney J. Grisham of Number 3 Haversham Close. “She was gardening.” “It’s a fine line between gardening and searching for Jimmy Hoffa,” remarked Borchardt. “We’ll see her in court.”

Later today we’ll run an interview with novelist Cornelia Read. Right now though the blog is being turned over to the Board of Directors for a commercial word.  A  proxy fight is raging behind the scenes, but the Board puts on a public show of solidarity. Management suffered greatly during the earl’s chimney captivity or as it called around here simply Twenty Six Days. The February board meeting was disrupted by the hogs who drank freely from ornate decanters, trampling the Minutes underfoot. The incident probably killed any chance of having Steve Jobs take over as Chairman and so we’re stuck with Wilfredo Tagesblatt and the lobby’s odd wildebeast decor. Hogs fear the wildebeast according to security chief Anthony “Tony Prawns” Palmesano. “The hogs are on notice. There’s a new sheriff in town.”

Around the horn: Booksquare and Gwenda Bond discuss Jeff Ford’s The Girl in the Glass over on the LBC blog. Sara Gran has an ad for Dope on Metaxu Cafe and reports Bud Parr is taking the plunge to read Sara’s work. Tod Goldberg held off angry parade editors attending the LA Festival of Books over the weekend. No word yet regarding Mark Sarvas’ designer sunglasses but somewhere a centurion in the Vicesima Claudia Legion is styling these days. The Roman invaders have yet to reach the UCLA campus although they’ve seized much of Burbank, imperiling the fall television schedule.

Our own Geraldo was assigned to cover the LA Festival of Books from a remote location in the New Jersey pine barrens. His fake reportage is a staple here and he outdid himself by interviewing the reclusive JT Leroy. Geraldo is shopping his memoir I Forget How Much I Know Sometimes. An early draft was damaged in a fall blamed on paper clip failure. He reminds us all to Buy American.

Dateline Wellington Leg: Four year old Eugenia Phaeton of suburban Goth has signed a seventy book deal with an unnamed publisher announced Lydia Careerbreaker, Ueberagent. Ms. Careerbreaker was struck by Eugenia’s unusual wit in an email about preschool politics. “She captured the zeitgeist perfectly,” said Professor Moriarity who reviewed the email exchange while rebuilding a small bore Lotus. “The day goes faster,” she wrote, “when Timmy is sick.”

“When Timmy is Sick” has been optioned for film by Milo Minderbender Enterprises for seven figures and a box of crayons. Storyboards have been erected in places frequented by Eugenia in the event inspiration strikes. “The completed manuscript is due in July,” said Eddie “No Pressure” Testarossa. Page One was lost in a peanut butter and jelly industrial accident according to claims adjuster Big Hands Teddy Wonk. “It’s a total loss,” Big Hands said.

Despite the setback handlers and wranglers assigned to the project are optimistic. “No cartoons for Eugenia,” said an unnamed source not very close to the situation. “Her tour of Baltimore is on hold.”

Professor Moriarity hopes to have his Lotus roadworthy by the time “When Timmy is Sick” reaches editors this summer. “I hope she likes Gummibears,” he said. Forty thousand of them were located in the boot of the Lotus. “Still edible, but the colors are odd.”