David Thayer

Dateline Wellington Leg: The Towne Council has dropped the ball so here in the Leg 2010 began promptly at 1143 GMT yesterday evening. Disappointed revelers near the Angle of Repose refused to disperse, however, until The Flying Squad cameth to Dunsinane brandishing ebooks. Happy New Year from the staff of One More Bite of the Apple who are herewith fired for cause.

You’re Alone in a Very Large Office: Cub reporter Tuffy Tuffington of the Tuffington Post, is the last man standing in the newsroom once the scene of hustle and bustle now eerily quiet. Tuffy frightened himself in the hallway with his Liz Cheney tapes and is now cowering under the Editor in Chief’s empty desk. Come out, Tuffy, it was just a computer animation! You have to cover the news and then there is Pop Culture which waits for no man because here in the Leg the news cycle goes on and on in six minute segments of relative significance. That is to say that what happened six minutes ago succumbs to what will happen six minutes from now and all that space in between is where we are in the continuum. We need you Tuffy even if we cannot pay you.

Dear Friends, please pour your hearts out for Tuffy so that we can continue our customary cutting edge of coverage of all things literary. Help get Tuffy out from under the desk!

Thanks, The Management.

Wellington Leg: Economists say that the diffusion index has turned positive sources close to the palace say. The closely watched metric measures the amount of energy expended by a consumer during sporting events. The test subject in this case is a man from Hatterborough who made eleven roundtrips between his couch and refrigerator during the Yankees-Tigers game. Except for a sharp single to left the unidentified fan missed none of the action on the field but did miss several tire commercials.

The recession is over: The diffusion index is a combination of two other indices, the Confusion Index and the Difficulty Multiplier. Any reading above the value of 50 tells policymakers that recovery has begun. “I’ll race you to the mall,” said one forecaster.

Jobless Recovery? While the index is higher the labor market continues to struggle leading to what pundits refer to a jobless recovery. “Things are good but no one has a job,” explained one economist. “Hey, I just got fired.”

There is more difficulty than confusion in the diffusion reading at this time; once this ratio turns around everyone will have jobs again but the economy will collapse.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Wellington Leg: As regular readers can attest this is a satirical blog full of imaginary characters in a mythical towne whose Triple A baseball team, the Fighting Gastropods, have dropped 345 games in a row. Even worse than baseball futility, however, is the encroachment of reality, actual events that are far more absurd than any satire this reporter can manufacture. In fact, this intrusion of incredible nonsense has created what is known as the “July Effect” a locking down of the creative brain due to sensory overload.

The shame of it is we were all set to introduce guest writer Little Mahmoud who recently opened a Myface Account here in the Leg. Little Mahmoud is new in towne, but no stranger to the spotlight as he once presided over an ancient and powerful land as its beloved President. And he’s a heckuva public speaker: quoting from his own page: “I am mesmerizing with turns of phrase so elegant as to induce tears.”

He’s a cocky little fellow who wanted only to be pals with the new kid, Barack, but it was not meant to be. Other kids called him names and soon little Mahmoud was not even allowed to go to Libya where former BFF Gadaffi lives. His pet duck died and it was time to move on.

Sadly, though, he missed his first assignment the resignation of Alaska governor Tsar Alexander. Why would the Tsar step down and sell the entire state? “I am thinking maybe his fingers are crossed behind his back,” Little Mahmoud said. “Perhaps the terms of sale exclude the fish,” he speculated.

Still, he is wistful. “Who will protect the powerful from the weak?” he wonders.

Wellington Leg: As late night host David Letterman knows all too well a war of words can turn into a costly and prolonged guerrilla battle with unexpected developments and unscripted moments. To quote the Dude from the Big Lebowsky, “I’m trying to drink a beverage here,” is sometimes ineffectual during the heat of the moment. And the First Dude, though not a fictional character, has displayed an instinct for bringing a shotgun to a chess tournament.

Ask the Professor: Former minor league outfielder (Visalia where he hit .237 against kids who threw the same pitch over and over) and bon vivant ( while in Visalia he wrote a treatise about Baudelaire) where he casually tossed a live baseball to a fan who screamed that it was not a ground rule double and became an inside the park home run after the fan went for hot dogs pursued by stadium security and members of the bullpen: when confronted by the angry mob the fan said, “hey, I’m trying to enjoy a beverage here.”

“This style of crisis management is most efficacious in cases where a primitive argument is carrying the day against a sophisticated riposte ( such as: I know you are, but what am I?) often comes acropper. That’s why Rent a Crisis is so valuable now. For a low low price you can carry Rent a Crisis in your handbag or jammed into your back pocket. Contained in handy book form or in Kindle ready molecular form, are thousands of rejoinders right at your fingertips. Here are some free samples:

“I’m trying to enjoy Letterman here.”
“I couldn’t have spilled beer on your girlfriend. I’m drinking Chardonnay.”
“I think the F train stops in Chinatown, but maybe not.”
“I’m a guest of Rudy Giuliani.”
“I’m not saying that Pee Wee’s Big Adventure is great American cinema, but the Alamo tour scene is worth sitting through the rest.”
“Wie bitte?”

If you act now the entire Baudelaire oeuvre may be rushed to your door at no extra charge!

Not available in the Continental United States, its territories or possessions.

Wellington Leg: Just as the Towne teetered on bankruptcy the 43rd earl unveiled a towering e-reader designed to compete with the Amazon Kindle. Called the Obelisk the new device is forty feet tall with a vertical viewing surface as large as a drive in movie screen. In fact, Legians flocked to the long defunct Peron Drive in for a first glimpse at the new technological marvel.

Size Does Matter: The Obelisk made a dramatic debut as workers scrambled to secure the mighty reader to its anchoring pod of inferior Soviet grade concrete. Foreman Boris and his sidekick Natasha dropped the veil at the stroke of midnight, local time, to cheers recorded earlier from the Lakers game. One actual cheering citizen was our own Tuffy Tuffington, of the Tuffington Post. “I think I’m going to cry,” Tuffy said.

Orangutans approve: Several escaped orangutans viewed the ceremony from a stolen car near the drive-in’s entrance. They threw orange peels and apple cores until Mall Security arrived. “The monkeys or whatever they are drove off when arrived,” said Mall Captain Fierce Pierce. “I want to buy an Obelisk reader as soon as possible,” he added.

Production Lagging? Exhausted from their stress test executives of Big Readers in Henley Hornbrook may have realized too late that while the mighty Obelisk is impressive there is no content available. “We’re thinking Large Print Books,” said one boss. “Or just really big words.”

Until words big enough to fill the screen can be located, Towne officials plan to use the Obelisk for public service announcements. The first such message warned residents of Wellington Leg not to feed the orangutans or sell them gas. Unfortunately the primates had already gassed up by the time workers assembled the magnetic letters required to express alarm.

“Well, don’t sell them any more gas,” Hizzoner said after the ceremony.

The vehicle in question is a 1998 Porsche Carrera.

Tuffy Tuffington reporting.

Megan Abbott’s QUEENPIN got a nice write up in the Chicago Tribune, a mention at Collected Miscellany and a long review from James R. Winter at January Magazine while RN Morris got some ink from the Philly Inquirer for THE GENTLE AXE. Both Megan and Roger are contributors to the Rap Sheet. Megan wrote THE SONG IS YOU while Roger debuted with Macmillan New Writing the UK imprint thought by some to be the end of civilization as we know it. Update: this hasn’t proven to be true although Scooter disagrees.
Megan and Roger have an open invitation to visit Wellington Leg and take a walk up the famous Boulevard of the Stars.

What Wellington Leg is reading: Kjell Eriksson’s THE CRUEL STARS OF THE NIGHT. Recommended by publicist-philosopher Lars Kierkegaard who enjoys the multi-layered gloom of Uppsala in fall. Lars is still contemplating his failure to launch the earl’s career. “We ponder,” he said. “We replace headgaskets.” A headgasket shortage still plagues the Leg even in this day and age.

Marge, the afternoon cashier, is reading Peter Spiegelman’s BLACK MAPS, now out in paper. Marge recommends NIGHT FALLS ON DAMASCUS by Frederick Highland and Alex Carr’s AN ACCIDENTAL AMERICAN.

Eddie of Book Nook fame is proofing WELLINGTON LEG CONFIDENTIAL short story collection about crime and corruption here in the Leg. “Hizzoner is sweating bullets while we edit the stories,” Eddie said. A box of Cuban cigars and a Roger Clemens autograph set progress back in May. “I was bought off,” Eddie says.

THE EARL’S BEHEADING is now in treatment form says Wilfredo Tagesblatt, VP of Development. “We’re working with Trump’s people,” he confided. The goal is to have the earl beheaded in Prime Time probably in Atlantic City. Wicker baskets are needed, so if you have any write to REALITY, care of Wellington Leg. Bobby G reporting from a dark desert highway cool wind in his hair.