David Thayer

“Characters in popular fiction shall no longer imbibe by sipping Cosmos nor shall any writer in these environs mention colourful drinks by name.”

Wellington Leg: The Dowager Princess issued this order early Monday perhaps in response to criticism regarding her naming the Detroit Tigers as World Series Champs. Major League Baseball has refused to cancel the 2008 season leaving Herself both “out of sorts and ill-humoured” according to sources at the Tower.

Disappointment for Rapunzel: “First it was my carbon footprint now I can’t have a drink,” Rapunzel said. Indeed city ordnances have forbidden Rapunzel from “letting down her hair” due to the thickness and volume of her admittedly long hair. The forty third earl is on deck to rescue to Rapunzel by scaling the tower using her trusses, but even he conceded that the years of waiting have taken their toll. “It’s difficult to sally forth,” he said. “I await word from the comfort of my hammock.”

While not a Cosmo fan himself the earl will have the occasional rainbow Marguerita to while away the hours spent snoozing near the base of the tower.

Rewrite people assemble: a team of rewrite people will arrive from Hollywood California sometime this week according to VP of Development Wilfredo Tagesblatt. “If we can’t get Rapunzel down from the Tower we don’t have a story,” he said. Plans to blow the tower up were reviewed and quickly rejected, he added. “Talk about your carbon footprint,” he said.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

What would it take to bring Book Expo America to Wellington Leg? We asked Wilfredo Tagesblatt, VP of Development, as he grabbed a sandwich in the commissary where Pliny the Elder once held forth on the nature of celebrity. Mr. Tagesblatt cautioned against rising expectations in the matter of BEA site selection. “They chose LA for next year,” he said. “Despite the Roman seige.”

Wellington Leg is prepared to honor Rosie O’Donnell with the keys to the city. “The keys unlock an ancient mystery about a time when elephants roamed Long Island,” Mr. Tagesblatt said. “They built the Transit Authority,” he added.

A stylish magazine Wellington Leg Tonight will be developed in time for the conference. “Since book people are boring we’re looking at a Derek Jeter issue to coincide with the event. Maybe Jenna Bush posing with her book.” Few can forget the Dame Pamela Anderson issue that rocked Eddie’s Book Nook, Wellington Leg’s last indy bookstore, to its foundations a few years ago. “Eddie is a buzzmachine,” said Lars Kiekegaard, publicist of introspection, famous for his blurb “this book is adequate” or rather, “Adequate!” in the parlance of the industry.

The Earl will leave town: whenever company is expected the earl is willing to resume his search for Australia. His travel piece “The Myth of Down Under” suggests that Australia is a figment of the imagination and New Zealand is too far away. Australia’s ambassador to Wellington Leg is on home leave and was unavailable for comment.

Alternate side of the street parking regulations will be suspended if BEA chooses Wellington Leg. The current lottery system for east-west streets and byways is antiquated according to DCI Borchardt. “The Flying Squad stands prepared to deal with illegal parking in a metaphysical sense in that, yes, we are prepared, but not overly so, not over-prepared, but simply ready for the exigencies associated with a lunar timetable.”

As noted in the Sun the Easter egg hunt is over. Scooter is the big winner and will be homored at a brief ceremony at the Prince of Denmark Shopping Center. “It took eight weeks, but we found the eggs,” noted a spokesperson for the Prosecutrix. “With old business resolved, we welcome BEA with open arms.”

Wellington Leg: Researchers at the Institute for Statistical Confusion are blaming the Earl of Watership Down for a steep decline in reading among citizens of the Leg and neighboring boroughs. Even allowing for a mathematical error ( interviewing rabbits) it is clear that reading is not as popular as it once was. After eliminating a family of vacationing Google bots ( they read everything) the study focused on the nuisance value The Earl presents:

“For two years citizens of the Leg have been subjected to an unauthorized character blog depicting their towne in an unflattering light. At the same time his refusal to pen his market weight hogs has coincided with several dreadful trends in literature, many caused by the Earl himself, at a time when reality TV and film sequels imply a cultural nadir that may be unprecedented.”

Still the opinions of rabbits are impossible to divorce from the findings since many of the respondents identify Bugs Bunny as their principle source of guidance when it comes to matters literary. To heighten the confusion several claimed that feral hogs “intimidated them” when asked about the works of Vargas-Llosa and the mysteries of Donna Leon. Market weight hogs are notorious in their dislike of both “irrational exuberance” and “alternative reality” probably due to the associations with pork belly trading.

DCI Borchardt plans to investigate charges of fraudulent results from the study. “Legians love to read,” he said. “Who can settle down with a Plum Sykes novel with a half ton hog reading over their shoulder?”

Anyone who witnessed a rabbit interview is asked to contact ONE MORE BITE OF THE APPLE care of the Wellington Leg Committee to Save Books from Rabbits Number 10 Drowning Street, The Mews.

“We guarantee strict confidentiality,” Borchardt said. “Thus far, only Ms. Adelaide Munster-Fibre has called to complain.” Ms. Munster-Fibre is a known crank with ties to the Conglomerate owned by Marty the Mogul. Geraldo reporting for the Eye that fell from the Sky.

Wellington Leg: Big Fat Guys Chewing Cigars: Investment banker Paulie Shorts came out of hiding early Wednesday after it turned out that D&L reporter Mandy Rice-Davies was an undercover agent for the SEC. Paulie is accused of brokering a deal wherein literary blogs would be converted to Cameron Diaz fan sites.

Paulie spoke to your reporter from the comfort of a damaged lawn chair. His fresh wash cloth had been dipped in Patchouli Oil frustrating efforts to sniff out his conspiracy. Paulie came to Wellington Leg after relocating from the overcrowded witness venue of Phoenix, Arizona.

Paulie, there is a serious discussion going on at Critical Mass. You see, journalists hate bloggers and bloggers hate spammers. What’s your take?

“What’s wrong with you people? Cameron Diaz is cool. Enough said.”

It’s all about traffic?

“I get a migraine behind this. I lost the lawn chair concession at Shea Stadium and now I’m a target? Who wouldn’t want to be comfortable during a Mets game?”

Your chairs were in the parking lot.

“What, you never heard of transistor radio?”

Paulie who is your favorite author?

“Cameron Diaz. You should clear the wax out of your ears.”

Wellington Leg: The Earl of Watership Down has been named Writer in Residence at Mansfield-Big School, the snooty private college in leafy Henley Hornbrook. The Earl defeated several other candidates in tryouts held in Fedorko Stadium recently adorned with lights after years of darkness.

The Earl is an overhand writer one literary scout noted. He’ll sometimes drop his shoulder and write three quarter arm displaying an array of release points and arm angles. Thus a reader, lulled by many run on sentences, is suddenly decked by four seam prose that comes out of nowhere. “It’s terribly exciting” said Red “Low Down” Coffey of the Mansfield-Big staff. “We needed a little chin music.”

Students at Mansfield-Big spent the afternoon shagging adverbs. Many hope to imitate the earl’s brobdignagian efforts at self-promotion while others simply wish the curriculum’s “rowing to Australia” requirement be modified. Scientists in Wellington Leg are divided over the question ” does Australia exist” after last winter’s episode involving a rubber duck, the Southern Cross, and fair winds following.

Others resent the post modernist thrust of the earl’s “On Linoleum” series. “It’s so Warhol,” complained Greta of Longchamps. “And why Steely Dan in the elevators?”

The obscure literary reference is lost on many Red agreed. The earl was observed beneath a golf cart in straightaway center field for much of the day. “Busy hands are happy hands,” he said.

Wellington Leg: As further evidence that we are all trapped in an ongoing Cameron Diaz movie there is this news item from the usually well behaved North of England: a woman filled her boyfriend’s van with his belongings before sinking the van in a large body of water. The boyfriend appeared to be waffling on marriage vows. It is unclear to this reporter how this will impact marriage plans for this couple but the man in question now has additional information  in his quest to find a spouse. Of course he could have cited Lloyds of London Perils of the Seas as they include “sinking stranding burning collapse and overturn.”

The boyfriend may not have sensed the nautical threat to his wardrobe but it always behooves one to have plenty of insurance these days. “What if your van sinks with all your possessions inside?” asked Wellington Leg’s resident Lloyds broker Alf Shanahan. In Alf’s screenplay Cameron Diaz slaps him silly after he stays out all night playing poker with the boys.

Indeed most of the population of Wellington Leg must now abandon the sinking van plot device in their WIPS. “My sunken van only had electronics on board,” cried Gus of Goth, chagrined at the turn of events. “I wrote this before I read the article. Can’t I still use it?”

Frankly Gus the answer is no. Professor Moriarity explains: “The contents of the van are less important than the actual sinking of the vehicle.  I’m afraid it means deleting the scenes where she loads the van, drives the van to the shore and the inevitable denouement.”

It’s back to the drawing board admitted Waltraut Frothingmunster. “In my story they’re both long haul truckers. She sinks a load of semi-processed gold off the Florida Keys but cannot remember exactly where.”

“Maybe,” Professor Moriarity said after evaluating her scene. “I like the part about the Bermuda Rectangle,” he said.

You know that no one is more prepared than this reporter to cease and desist on the topic of the New York Times Book Review and its utter loathing of fiction. Norman Mailer may be cranky and a trifle carniverous in a vegan age, but it’s not as though he’s cooking crank in a West Village townhouse, or socking Rosie O’Donnell in the kisser, or giving commencement speechs at Vassar on the vagaries of chick-lit and the fall of civilization. Okay he wrote a novel about young Adolph’s formative years. Janet Maslin’s review innoculates the innocent with all the dudgeon the American Heart Association might muster in regard to the sausage and pepper sandwich. Read Norman at your peril. You’ll poke your Third Eye out.

Thankfully in the same periodical Leisl Schillenger writes an actual book review of Roddy Doyle’s novel PAULA SPENCER. It’s okay with Leisl that Doyle labors in this distasteful arena, and she pretty much sticks to the task with a one hand grab at the warning track of Roddy’s long fly ball. She makes it look easy! She discusses the book without a single reference to the futlility of fiction.

At least the Sports Section is on the job. The Yankees are stockpiling young arms ( not as gross as it sounds, my Bulgarian friends.) The Knicks lost a heartbreaker. To the New Jersey Nets. Strange odors waft across the river. Somewhere near Basking Ridge a reader is cracking open that new Norman Mailer novel. Oh, the horror.

Wellington Leg: Poet Laureate Johnny Adonis is in custody today on a charge of piracy. Mr. Adonis downloaded several songs from the Golden Oldies collection orbiting high over towne; his primitive Oom-pod proved ineffectual, according to police sources. “The songs hurtled through cyber-space,” DCI Borchardt reported. “They careened into towne striking the Oom-pod a glancing blow before blasting a hole in the pavement.”

Boris of the popular Borscht in Gemini restaurant was reading an e-book when the download struck the earth. “Holy smokes I’m thinking a meteor shower,” he said. “Now I’m seeing smoking hole where once was street.”

City crews arrived with shovels to lean on while Professor Moriarity calibrated and triangulated before he postulated, “From the dimension of the impact I’m thinking this is from the Leslie Gore Era. ”

“If citizens of Wellington Leg wish to hear music, they can simply go to the Bandstand on Great Jones Street,” said a spokesperson for Hizzoner. The mayor, the first public official to honor credit cards, added that “we can’t have things whizzing around that create a danger to honest folk.”

A handful of stock analysts wondered if this would lead to a Frisbee ban. “The poet laureate has spoiled things for everyone.”

Rumors of free borscht incited a torch lit parade that fizzled quickly. The price of beets skyrocketed on the Piltdown Exchange but things were quiet in afternoon trading. “Beets are the new soybean,” said one trader. “This is the ground floor.”

Special to the Druidical & Literary: The San Francisco Baseball Giants have signed lefthander Barry Zito in a multi-year contract valued at 120,000,000. The news shocked the Leg whose fans were sure he was leaning toward the Wellington Leg Pioneers. “With the earl in center and the Duchess closing, Zito might’ve won 30 games if he’d signed with the Pioneers,” said baseball analyst Anne of Cleves. With $120,000,000 Zito will be able to afford a new house, but not a very big one, and certainly not in a good neighborhood. “He’ll be commuting from Lake County,” predicted Minny the Realtor from her office atop Thump Tower. “His commute would’ve been far better in Wellington Leg.”

Although spring training is weeks away the Duchess has been seen perfecting her cut fastball. “It explodes like Mariano Rivera’s,” said a spokesperson. The earl is recovering from injuries sustained in a Christmas tree mishap. “Zito is a fly ball pitcher. With the earl patroling deep batter after batter would’ve retired in dismay,” Ms. Cleves remarked. Her observation was greeted by laughter from assembled reporters.

A condo in the converted HRH J. Mansfield Prison had Zito’s name all over it, Minnie said. “The prices in San Francisco? Forget about it. A condo here costs 50 Cent.”

The Pioneers need to sign infielder Condi Rice. “Even with the Duchess on the hill, the team is dreadful,” said a literary scout. “The earl, a threat to literature, is a danger to himself on the field.” She may have been alluding to the time the earl tripped over a resin bag and swallowed his chaw. That incident may have created the housing bubble and global warming. Pippi Longstocking reporting.

Wellington Leg, the 21st Ultimo: Powerful winds from Gastropod Alley left the Towne of Wellington Leg without power, heat, and hot water late last week. Here’s a quick rundown of cancelations from the Quad City News Desk:

The Famous Writers School, which teaches the secret techniques of successful writers, is open. DCI Borchardt attended class to learn “headline ripping.” “All I did was shred newspapers,” he said. Borchardt made a rain hat from back issues of the Daily Planet.

Beheadings at the Tower: Wellington Leg’s reality TV series was forced to shut down when supplies of abalone entrails and green tea were exhausted. Wilfredo Tagesblatt, VP of Development, promised that “heads would roll” in an exceptional memo dictated but not read, signed but not sealed.

The Earl’s Driving School: Roman soldiers from the Vicesima Claudia and Mars Victor Legions lifted the Earl’s Mini from the grasp of a fifty foot rhododendron near his ancestral home. Fights broke out among the troops when driving class was canceled. After the squad arrived at a nearby Chevron station, police were summoned. “The Romans tossed the Mini back and forth,” said one patrol officer. “This invasion is creating real problems,” he added.

Eddie’s Book Nook near the historic rotunda will open at noon. Urquhart Depew, embittered dogsbody, will appear this afternoon to read from his potboiler expose about life with the Earl. “The buzz is awesome,” noted Publicist Lars Kierkegaard. Depew claims that he is the rightful heir to Great Puffinghammer, that he and the earl were switched at birth, that his years as an ensign in the Royal Navy resulted in substantial hearing loss. Mrs. Glenda Doherty of Carthago Nova was the first person to camp in front of Eddie’s. “I have my knitting,” she said. Mrs. Doherty produced a Dick Cheney mask to frighten passersby. “It’s fun,” she said.