David Thayer

Dateline: Wellington Leg: In a shocking development authorities are now convinced that an entire industry has been hijacked spirited out of Publishers Row and stashed aboard an abandoned tugboat in Newark Bay. “I think it’s safe to say that we’ve never experienced anything like this before,” said Big Publisher Rudy G. “One minute I was reading Chapter Five of Sarah Palin’s memoir, the next minute the Thought Police arrived and took the book away.”

Is Chapter Five significant? Authorities believe the hijacking began with Carrie Prejean’s riveting work STILL STANDING. Carrie was Miss California and then she wasn’t and then she was and now she’s not and probably won’t be in the future. Sorry for the spoilers. “I had hoped to read the sequel NO LONGER STANDING,” Rudy G said. “But now we have a ghost writer shortage and hippy treehuggers running Washington, so I think we’re finished here, cooked.”

Glengarry, Glenn Beck: Perhaps Alex, a Master Salesman, can negotiate the release of the publishing industry before North Jersey toxins begin corroding editorial judgment and taste. While few people enjoy white water rafting on the Passaic River Rudy is pretty certain that Alex can redeploy an energized salesforce after just such an event. Fortified with enough Glenlivet they can market the next dozen Palin memoirs and the reinstatement of Carrie Prejean.
“Those sound like demands,” Rudy observes. “But they’re really life affirming goals. I never forget that I’m in the hopes and dreams business and ultimately I hope this is all a bad dream.”

Wellington Leg: This year’s Literary Faire began shortly after three o’clock this morning when Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe roared through towne on a red Indian Scout motorcycle. A crowd of three outside Dunkin Donuts cheered as Prudentia tossed a wedding bouquet to Night Manager Cindy. “I’ve never won anything before,” Cindy said. The bouquet was confiscated by mall security shortly before Cindy’s shift ended at seven am.

His aim is true: Senator Foghorn consoled Cindy with a cash offer for her maroon Yugo. Waving a copy of his bestselling Beige Book, the senator arranged a trip for Cindy to the Fed’s discount window. “I asked for a billion dollars,” Cindy said. “I’d never heard of the cash for clunkers program,” she added.

When Books go Bad: As a test case the forty third earl’s masterwork VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA may be returned to Eddie’s Book Nook this Saturday in exchange for cash. The Senate Literary Oversight Committee declared the book a clunker after Senator Foghorn discovered that Voltaire was a “French person.” Adding insult to injury Senator Leghorn dropped the massive tome on his foot after being startled by a lobbyist discussing the Louisiana Purchase. “We’re not returning Louisiana to France anytime soon,” Leghorn vowed. Foghorn seconded the motion joined by Longhorn who came in third.

One lucky customer received a $3,500 credit after dragging VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA across the Sierra Nevada range. He also managed to trade in his donkey for a new Chrysler minivan. “This baby has air conditioning,” the lucky fellow enthused.

Late word from the Palace: anyone attempting to return the Dowager Princess’ Her Lyrical Poetry will be beheaded. A word to the wise.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Wellington Leg: Following the arrest of several of New Jersey’s mayors experts are suggesting that many cities in the Garden State adopt open source governance. Under this method of leadership bribes can reach more people more quickly creating more economic stimulus by increasing the velocity of laundered money.

According to the Tuffington Post laundered money often moves more slowly than unlaundered money in part because the great unwashed have sticky fingers. “A single laundered dollar will often drift around in the trunk of someone’s car for weeks on end,” noted Atlantic City resident Eddie. At one point the money supply, the M!, dropped to zero in Hoboken as all the cash went to the sidelines. “This is incredibly inefficient,” Eddie says.

Tuffpo Contributor Little Mahmoud can relate: after naming a Jersey City resident as First Vice President, LM was shocked to discover his choice was overruled. “Recycling politicians is even messier than laundering money,” noted Mahmoud. Caught in the spin cycle he had no choice but move on.

Jersey Beaches are Open: the sudden shortage of mayors and public officials won’t effect the shore. Bundles of cash may be visible at high tide and schools of jellyfish, sometimes used to launder money, have floated north toward Long Island. The sighting off a shark off Cape May turned out to be a loan shark. “The water’s fine,” said a local mayor who has yet to be taken into custody. Loan sharks are not considered a threat to swimmers.

Tuffy Tuffington reporting.

Wellington Leg: Nothing is more exciting than writing a novel unless you include watching another person writing a novel or watching yourself. Despite much evidence to the contrary, though, even writers must pause to absorb what the world is dishing if only to make sure that the planet is still here even if you’re not quite finished with your scene.

CNN: Anderson Cooper is confused by piracy: “What do these guys want?” Of course this story only began a few days ago in CNN time but Somali pirates want you to know that they’ve been at this hijacking game for years. Trotting out guys from the K&R world to explain shipping lanes and Lloyds List is a hilarious diversion from working on that manuscript. I highly recommend the pirate coverage for fiction writers and Benedictine monks of all ages.

Sean Hannerty disses France: Sean is funnier now that Obama is president although he’s gone a little grayer since the G-20 conference in London destroyed traffic on Piccadilly. Needless to say he’s worried about pirates too, aren’t we all, since international maritime law is a god given fundamental right of human kind and now seems to be in jeopardy. The Hudson and Potomac are wide open, though, due to eternal vigilance.

If You Encounter Pirates: Something to consider while you try to figure out why the scene you’re working on is becoming a Monty Python riff. Maybe the old lady muggers are getting in the way. Let’s make them pirates but remember you have to answer Anderson Cooper’s somewhat rhetorical question, what do these guys want?

Here are some possible answers: After pouring over the Baltic Dry Index the pirates of the Indian Ocean sense a turn coming in charter rates. “If we seize all the merchant ships we can charge whatever we want for time charters!”
Money.
This is the kidnap and ransom business on the high seas. Every merchant vessel has a Lloyds Registry designation by class, deadweight tonnage and flag. Even tramp steamers, those ships with no fixed route or “trading territory” are included on the registry. There are few American flag merchant vessels because of the vagaries of the Jones Act passed back in Woodrow Wilson’s administration. The act imposes staggering costs for crew liability and limits where a vessel can call. That’s why the flag of convenience is so popular with ship owners everywhere.

The pirates may soon encounter another type of ship those found in Jane’s Fighting Ships. Jane has been cataloging war ships for over a century; she’s the original old lady mugger.