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Recount: Minnesota to Have Extra Senators

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008

Wellington Leg: In response to our own recount woes the Dowager Princess is recommending that all the guys running for senate in Minnesota be given seats in that august chamber. The Princess offered her solution to the recount mess during a routine Q&A about betting on the Vikings. “The Senate could use the extra guys anyway,” she said. “All this counting and recounting is giving me a headache.”

Imperial Ombudsman race decided: The Forty Third Earl of Watership Down has defeated “Claude” by a final tally of three to two. The initial result had “Claude” in the lead by three to two but that was prior to the revelation that “Claude” is a Google bot. After several recounts and do overs, the earl voted for himself after initially voting for Al Franken as a write in candidate. “Claude” reversed field as well voting for the earl after swallowing an electronic ballot “by accident.” “Claude” dismayed some voters by drinking lighter fluid and failing to name the Colts starting quarterback.

Pirate Update: Now that he is officially the victor the forty third earl is expected to sally forth against pirate ships in Gastropod Alley. As reported in the Tuffington Post earlier this week, the earl has donned his waders and is brandishing his sword at the interlopers. Apparently cowed by the show of force the pirates have withdrawn from the Inner Harbor where a large shipment of italics are awaiting export. Wellington Leg is the largest producer of italics in North America.

His Raiment and Regalia: The symbol of his office, a woolly hat, is scheduled to arrive this afternoon. Once his hat in is place the Imperial Obudsman will wade further offshore in the general direction of the miscreants.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Stop, You’re Reading Me

Sunday, November 30th, 2008

Wellington Leg: One of the major trade publishers made news last week by indicating they would stop reading manuscripts on submission from agents. Although the ban is described as temporary this reporter and others wonder if this plan is the first glimmer of an ingenious recovery effort for a sagging industry.  Let’s make the reading ban permanent; choose manuscripts in an entirely new and cost efficient manner: At Random!

The Random Walk Theory: For those of you who think this is a dry cleaning or oil exploration blog, let me explain the basics of modern publishing. Once written, manuscripts are passed along a conveyor to professional readers called agents. Some of the agents wear gloves and hairnets and are bored like Laverne and Shirley while others demand changes before offering representation. After years of reading and re-reading the product is shipped to an editor who may “buy” or “pass” depending on a complex matrix of factors. If acquired, the manuscript is read by many inside the publishing house before it is rendered in book form. I think the inefficiencies here are obvious: at every step someone is reading the manuscript. Why?

The Soviet Model: In a force economy books are banned, but some are published. Thus we have Heroic Book, Romantic Book, Scary Book, Funny Book, Not Funny Book, Kids Book, How To, How Come? How to Make Millions in Real Estate. With workers controlling the means of production all books are equal and are published unread. Then some are banned. People read them under the covers and wonder why the rules of punctuation change so often.

The New Criterion: Instead of reading new submissions publishers will feed the pages into a Marketing Collator. The collator will quickly reassemble the pages into categories sometimes mixing and matching pages from various manuscripts to achieve an industrial level of efficiency, providing numerous opportunities for balancing output with market needs. If a publisher wants a Romantic Book, he or she may have one at the touch of a button. In the time it takes to get coffee from a vending machine, the book is on its way to Cover Art and some lucky author is receiving a small check.

I think the benefits of the Random Walk outweigh the disadvantages. Publishers are fretful that their selected titles perform in wild unpredictable ways making profit projections more art than science. Short of TARP money for the industry, only draconian measures will succeed.

Author Number 144 reporting.

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Tuffington Post: Earl Awaits Cabinet Post

Thursday, November 13th, 2008

Wellington Leg: Perhaps in recognition of his versatility it appears the Obama camp is considering naming the forty third earl as ambassador to the Indian Ocean. Clues abound as the earl, who vanished from public view during an electrical storm, recently rode through towne in ox cart disguised as a decurion from the Valeria Victrix; regular readers know by now that when he travels in mufti the earl is gathering intelligence for Herself, the Dowager Princess. “We like to think that the new administration might name him poet laureate,” said Professor Moriarity. “Failing that, there are numerous atolls in the Indian Ocean whose literary tradition could upgraded through massive federal intervention.”

When You’re the Only Game in Town: a case in point is the earl’s recent success on Succotash Island, a windswept isle of fearsome dimensions once claimed by Portugal. “There was suffering on Succotash,” the professor said. “After the population fled, the earl arrived and began work on his masterpiece Flailing Palms.” By exploiting otherwise idle emperor penguins, creatures whose keyboarding skills are quite remarkable, the four thousand page tome was completed in time for the Republican convention.

Paying the Penguins: At first it appeared that the frozen credit markets had fallen into the ice flow but the earl recognized the penguins in his employ were busier than he’d thought. “They go down to the shore and dive. Then they rush back onto shore,” Moriarty said. “They take a twenty minute break and then do it all over again.” Once the penguins understood that the earl was not a sea lion, work progressed quickly and efficiently on the manuscript.  In fact the penguins could take a dip while waiting for literary pearls to develop.

As ambassador to the Indian Ocean the earl would bob along in a raft of his own design.

Tuffy Tuffington reporting.

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Reagan Arthur Wins October

Monday, November 3rd, 2008

Wellington Leg: Back on the ninth of October Publishers Weekly broke the news that Little, Brown editor Reagan Arthur will run her own imprint at the publisher. Many of you ignored the carnage on Wall Street and the third presidential debate to search the Internet for confirmation of the Reagan Arthur story and were directed here, to a blog that is written in a fictional towne by a group of imaginary characters.  Reagan Arthur won the October sweeps here on One More Bite of the Apple a blog that only learned how to link to other blogs yesterday, November 2,2008 and is now trying to link to itself. Well, it’s true, Ms. Arthur has her own imprint and we’re glad because she edits George Pelecanos and Kate Atkinson, two of our favorite authors.
So far in November you’re searching for Sara Gran and you’ve come to the right place for somewhere in the archives we have an interview with Ms. Gran and possibly a review or two. I don’t know if the October crowd now knows the Reagan Arthur news or accepts the truth of it and has moved on or if the beginning of a new month surgically ends our readers curiosity about items from the previous month. Perhaps our news cycle is entirely lunar and under a harvest moon our thoughts drift toward publishing houses in Boston. Then again you’ve come here for months seeking to know more about lederhosen even though I’ve begged you not to.
Tomorrow the Druidical & Literary plans to endorse Obama for president although some on the staff want to wait until Wednesday and then endorse the winner. Either way we’ll announce the winner in early December but for now it’s hats off to Reagan Arthur an October Surprise.

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Voting in the Leg

Saturday, November 1st, 2008

Wellington Leg: Long lines at the voting booths are no obstacle to the dedicated voters of Wellington Leg, Goth, and Henley Hornbrook. Early voting is available at Eddie’s Book Nook on Cornucopia of Corruption Avenue; simply stick your head in and yell the name of your candidate. You may be asked to name your favorite crime fiction authors and you will be asked to name the capital city of Michigan. After that you can go ahead and vote unless the Roman sentries challenge you. Since they view McCain as a surrogate for Marcus Aurelius feel free to fib a little if you’re voting Obama.

Earl’s Rockin Election Eve: In the hopes of raising money for himself the forty third earl is throwing up the doors of his pied a terre on Monday Night just in time, we hope, to call the end of the ferocious contest in Penn’s Sylvania. As many of you know whoever wins there can make it anywhere; just ask the Phils. Once Pennsylvania has voted it will be off to California where voters will already know the outcome and may forget that a ballot measure, if passed, would make Wonder Bread available in every restaurant in the state. if chewed correctly Wonder Bread becomes a fabulous low cost alternative to both food and industrial adhesives.

Earl Leads Early Poll: His race for Imperial Ombudsman is too close to call, however, his opponent, a Google bot named “Claude” has made numerous gaffes about humans and their ilk. Still “Claude” leads in some polls because of the earl’s vigorous rispostes from horseback. An unpopular ban on jousting hangs in the balance by the slenderest of threads. The jousting ban would prohibit “plummeting” a blow to Joe the Plummeter who may or may not run for Imperial Court Jester should the unthinkable occur.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Hollywood Calling

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008

Wellington Leg: In light of our financial woes I wonder how Hollywood will react to the new reality. “Reality” is charged word, a blend of 60s Calibabble and linked inevitably to television, but I refer to the competing notion of reality the world beyond the City of Angels’ number one employer. We’ve already looked at crime fiction briefly in this regard, so what about the motion picture industry?

Hollywoodland: I don’t expect a new golden age of Film Noir anytime soon. I think as the economy drives arugula futures lower and lower film execs will want to fall back on the tried and true. Perhaps a sequel or two. Air Force Two might be fun: After President McCain ( Richard Gere) is captured by treehuggers in Oregon, Sarah Palin ( Julia Roberts) takes the reins in a hilarious comedy of errors. Sarah sleds down Pennsylvania Avenue, busts Ted Stevens( John Goodman) out of jail and seizes control of the Senate.  Tension mounts as the newly minted chief executive orders cavalry units to invade Oregon where the world’s largest Sitka Spruce is in the hands of socialists. 88 minutes. Rated: R. ( Republican).

Air Force Three: The Russians are Coming. President Palin is accosted by a Vladimir Putin lookalike while shopping at Neiman-Marcus. In fact a crazed scientist ( Richard Gere) is mass producing Putin clones in a defunct textile mill in North Carolina. With Putins rearing their heads America goes to DEFCON ELEVEN ( George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon) while a Do Nothing Congress ( Donnie Osmond) tries crafting earmarks from discarded soda cans. 87 minutes. Rated: PG-47.

Some of the President’s Men: While President Obama ( Don Cheadle) tries to analyze his way out of a crisis, his cabinet ( George Clooney, Angelina Jolie) parachutes behind enemy lines. Near the corner of Wall Street and Broad the daring duo expose a ring of charlatans selling fake tickets to Broadway shows. 89 minutes. Rated: DF-11.

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Rescue Me

Saturday, October 4th, 2008

Wellington Leg: Now that we are saved from the collective infirmity of economic excess we breath a sigh of relief. Before the rescue we went about our business with the knowledge that Congress Was Going to Act which creates the traditional anxiety that a piano is going to fall from a great height hitting us squarely on the head. Even a a glancing blow might prove fatal. All the conditions were present for legislative bursts of legergermain quick fixes belly laughs cries and whispers. We are astounded that through the days and nights of imminent peril Nancy Pelosi’s hair looked the same. My own hair went through many manifestations of disarray: one morning I looked like Barney Frank, another Jim Bunning. My hair suffered. Rescue me.

Once John McCain suspended his campaign my hair became manageable again perhaps securitized by his bold initiative. My hair responded to fiscal stimuli in new and unexpected ways, standing tall instead of cringing near the exits which are clearly marked for our safety and convenience. This sort of dazzling leadership is precisely what my sideburns needed. Balance was restored.

I watched the Biden-Palin debate like an astronomer discovering a new planet. Joe’s hair withstood several direct assaults while Palin’s hovered low almost covering her eyes. This explains the mystery of her glasses they keep her hair from obscuring her vision. There were times when I wondered what language they were speaking or if the answers were meant as responses to the questions. Joe laughed a lot. Sarah said say it ain’t so.

Then Congress acted. Failure to act is worse than acting and so the piano remains rigged above dangling by several legislated threads crafted to prevent disaster. And so the word may spread to Mr and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea:

Rescue me.

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Earl Explains Mark to Market!

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

Wellington Leg: In a daring effort to bring clarity to the current financial crisis the forty third earl will explain the impact of fair value accounting on banks and brokerage firms. Adding a touch of drama to his long anticipated lecture the earl will defy conventional logic by ice skating during his talk. Regular readers will recall that the last time he appeared on the ice he was swallowed by a whale.

Precautions Taken: FASB rules will be taped to his forearm before the earl dons his skates. The whale problem should be solved by staging the event indoors at the Wellington Bowling and Ice Skating Emporium near the Prince of Denmark Shopping Centre. During the complex presentation martial music will accompany his attempt at the Triple Axel Bailout Pirouette one of ice skating’s most daunting maneuvers. The hope is that LIBOR rates will settle just as the earl spins skyward toward the audience in the rafters.

Audience Participation: Armed with ripe fruit and rotting vegetables the audience will punctuate the earl’s droning speech by hurling these objects in his general direction. “That’s the hope,” said event planner Bowler Bowles. “One can imagine the color and pageantry of organic waste material soaring through the air. Of course, the very serious nature of the crisis raises the stakes immeasurably.”

Whales Not Invited: Crazed members of the audience will have to present valid drivers licences at the door. “This precaution eliminates those creatures who do not drive.”

Still an abalone with fake ID could create havoc, Bowles admitted. Members of the board of governors of the Federal Reserve are eligible for half price tickets or the net present value of future price reductions provided they do not exceed the value of rented bowling shoes as determined by the open market.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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500 Ships Passing in the Night

Sunday, September 28th, 2008

Wellington Leg: Local legislators met throughout the night to pass a financial intervention package. The meeting was so successful that from now on our senators and congressional representatives will never again try to get anything done during the day. “It’s more fun at night,” said a congressional aide. “Everyone gets to stay up past their bedtime, get really cranky, and push and shove. You can’t do that during the day.”

Day Games vs. Night Games: If baseball games can be played at night certainly legislation can be played too. People in Alaska do things in the dark all winter as do Scandinavians. “The answer maybe to elect a select committee of Norwegians to train other legislators suffering from sun affect disorder. Thus if we convene the House after midnight members can rest assured that hair and makeup can fill the void created by the brain at rest.”

Your Brain Will Adjust: A classic example of rapid eye movement during waking hours is provided by feisty Arizona Senator John McCain. Senator McCain sped swiftly to a daytime lunch with other senators where he upset everyone by taking all the green Jello and then not eating it. Still awake he flew to Mississippi and beat the living daylights out of a sleepy university town after sunset. “John was multitasking,” said one admirer. “Debating Obama while getting precious REM sleep and saving Washington from itself.”

It’s Okay to Legislate and Sleep at the Same Time: During nighttime sessions it may be necessary for an individual member to say “Aye” or “Nay” at unpredictable intervals. For those whose Blackberries include voice simulation the answer is simple: go ahead and get the rest you need. Your Blackberry will know if someone is talking to you and respond accordingly. When the sun rises it will brief you on what it decided to do how it voted and what that vote might mean to your constituents. It will also brief the media, send out press releases, rearrange useless daylight meetings and then delete everything from your memory in case angry voters want to know what you were thinking when you voted to pass especially silly laws.

Remember to throw both hands in the air before boarding a helicopter. Get plenty of rest and keep fresh batteries handy at all times.

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Ducks in a Row All Fly Away

Monday, September 22nd, 2008

Wellington Leg: An emergency meeting at the Piggy Bank ended abruptly when executives used similar cliches to reassure shareholders that All is Well. “Our ducks are in a row,” said Vice Chairman Grey Forrester. “The ducks are on the pond,” said another exec who added, “We’re sitting ducks without a bailout.”

Mallards in Three Piece Suits: Unlike some financial institutions the Piggy Bank loans money to ducks “provided always they are solvent.” When they say that they’re ducks are in a row bank officials can point to a long line of ducks waiting patiently at the teller counter. “No feathers are ruffled in the course of customer service,” said Bank Manager Blue Malibu. “We are duck friendly.”

If It Quacks like a Duck: The most difficult aspect of loaning money to ducks is language. “If a duck wants a car loan they quack once for yes and twice for no,” Malibu explained. “Sometimes, though, they continue quacking or begin quacking among themselves. It’s a judgment call as to whether or not the duck really wants a home improvement loan or has come in for popcorn.”

No Taxpayer Money for Duck Loans: So far the Treasury is taking a hard line on irresponsible loans to water fowl in general. “Swans are out. Geese are out. No one likes seagulls since that horrible book came out in the 70s. Forget about the albatross. I’m afraid we’re throwing baby ducks out with the bathwater.”

Downstream Effects: If the ducks are on the pond it stands to reason that freezing the credit system will likely freeze the pond and perhaps the unintended consequence of pick up or ad hoc hockey games erupting in the habitat might compromise efforts to inject liquidity beneath the ducks without ripple effects. In a related story the Forty Third Earl’s fleet of paper tankers sank in just such a storm while nearby ducks cruised in apparent disinterest. “Quite a setback for the paper tanker industry,” Malibu admitted.

Rumors that ducks bury money next to leaves and sticks are unfounded, bank sources say.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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