Wellington Leg: Loansharks from all over the Bailiwick are reeling from the financial crisis, informed sources say. “We need a bailout,” admitted Benny the Face, Wellington Leg’s most prestigious lender of last resort. “I got no vig. I can’t get no vig. What’s a guy supposed to do?” With commercial banks rushing into his traditional turf Benny is turning his lonely eyes toward the Federal Reserve. “I can’t compete with credit cards, Mister Chairman. I got money on the street but the trust is gone.”
Hedge Fund Mania: Benny may approach the executive committee of My Hedge Fund, a show and tell project that is now the ninth largest financial institution in the world. With millions tied up in gummy bear futures, though, My Hedge Fund may have to just say no to Benny. “This is a liquidity crisis,” said Professor Moriarity, the man suspected of killing Sherlock Holmes. “Benny is low man on the totem pole.”
The crisis may spill over into crime fiction where traditional bad guys now seem relatively tame by comparison to the financial services industry. “Let’s say you have a heist caper,” said noted author Marge. “Can your antagonist steal 85 billion dollars in broad daylight? I didn’t think so.”
No one has more money on the street than the Fed. Benny is feeling not only squeezed, but betrayed by events. “I don’t play by the rules. I avoid my taxes. I hurt innocent people. Now it’s like I’m a chump.”
Most loan sharks agree they would’ve finished high school and gone to an Ivy League college had they understood how things really worked. Local lender Mikey the Face has this message: “Yous finish school, okay? Try to get way behind the eight ball and then beg for money but do it in a boardroom for cryin out loud.”
Next week’s Big Shark Convention is cancelled Benny said. “I can’t even look my peer group in the eye. I can’t even poke them in the eye. I coulda gone to Princeton but no. I put money on the street instead.”
T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.