Upper Wallop: It’s been several months since the Duchess hath blogged here. After the Baltimore Orioles declined to offer arbitration the Duchess refused to report to Triple A Rochester ( far too cold). After a few months in the Arizona Instructional League, she has returned to Wellington Leg for the holidays. Rumors of a memoir have circulated for years; while she has not ruled out a non roster invitation to the Yankees camp in February, many pundits believe her pitching career is over. We sent cub reporter Tuffy Tuffington to interview the Duchess after her talk radio remarks about the curious incident of the potato from space.
Tuffy Finds the Potato: “Duchess, you expressed no surprise at the outer space potato incident. Our readers are curious. How come?”
“Why are they curious?”
“No, I meant why weren’t you surprised?”
“The Query Potato comes from an old family recipe handed down through the generations. The recipe is part of my dowry along with the grip of my Bugs Bunny Changeup.”
“Wow, what’s a Query Potato?”
“One simply slices open a large russet potato..”
“With a knife?”
“Yes, a knife will do nicely. One scoops out the potato or hires someone to do the job. After the shell is hollow one inserts a hologram of the author who recites flattering phrases to the recipient; this can be set to go on for several minutes before the author introduces the plot to his her or her book.”
“Will Fedex deliver a potato?”
“One simply launches the spud using a modified free launch method, so French you know, with a GPS homing device that will seek out the object of one’s attention with a square mile radius.”
“The New York Times reported a potato shower near the Queens-Midtown Tunnel. Are those potatoes from Wellington Leg?”
“Duchess?”
Tuffy summarizes thusly: Although she will not confirm or deny we may be at war with the City of New York. She’s launching dozens of potatoes from her rooftop…maybe I should call DCI Borchardt. Or should I protect my source?
Tuffy Tuffington reporting.