Great Wellington Shores: In an exclusive to the Tuffington Post a long time pirate named Ralph the Red is too discouraged by his career choice to continue pirating. In the hard hitting tradition of the Tuffington Post we ask the tough questions without flinching because if we had flinched Ralph would’ve sensed fear and sensing fear is a pirate’s stock in trade.
Our reporter, Tuffy Tuffington, rips the lid off the pirate game by stationing himself directly in the path of piracy. He spent two shivering nights at Lookout Point with Master of the Watch the 43rd earl. As dozens of pirate ships flaunted their presence in Gastropod Alley, 43 slept in his hammock, his feared broadsword locked away in the sword cupboard. Only once did he awaken. Seeing the mass of pirate ships below he flung open the plantation shutters and began reading aloud from this work in progress….
By the fourth paragraph I could see confusion in the pirate ranks; high in the rigging they checked their IPODS and Kindles, but it was too late. Ralph the Red sailed forth under a white flag begging 43 to stop reading.
Wearing earplugs this reporter withstood the barrage of prose long enough to watch the interlopers sail away and a big ship full of books dock near Eddie’s.
Wellington Leg is saved!
Update: Tuffy’s joy may be premature. The pirates may have stolen Sarah Palin’s memoir: Eddie reports that either the book hasn’t been written yet or Ralph the Red is a Trojan Horse. Either way, he’s bummed.
Posts Tagged ‘Barratry’
Pirate to Tuffpo: I quit
Wednesday, May 13th, 2009Tags: Barratry, Letters of the Mart, Piracy
Posted in The Tuffington Post | No Comments »
Tuffington: Pirates are Bad
Friday, November 28th, 2008Wellington Leg: In a ceremony shrouded in silliness the forty third earl condemned piracy just moments before Gastropod Alley suffered its fourteenth piracy incident in less than a week. The latest incident involved a remote control yacht and a man wearing a scarf with a knife clenched in his teeth. Our defense forces were alerted and the earl’s second nap interrupted by the hubbub.
He Travels Swiftly to the Rescue: The Tuffington Post has learned that the forty third earl rode by horseback from his ancestral yet depreciating estate near Cumberbund to deliver a sharp criticism of the pirates. Unfortunately his prepared remarks became unreadable after his mighty steed, Mrs. Peel, chewed the pages. “One supposes his prose is a tasty treat if one is a horse,” said Professor Moriarity, a paid political consultant. “The pirates don’t appear very concerned.”
Fearsome Display: Once arrived on the shores of Gastropod Alley, the earl dismounted. The jeers from the pirate crews offshore carried on a following breeze. Undaunted, the earl requested that his battle dinghy Forthright make sail without delay. He transmitted this command via cellular telephone to embittered dogsbody Urquhart Depew who clings to the belief that he and the earl were switched at birth.
Musical Interlude: To obscure the fact that little actual progress is being achieved the Wellington Leg Marching Band struggled through a down tempo version of When the Levee Breaks.
Meanwhile your reporter has learned that the Forthright has been sunk! To confirm this aspect of the story I hurried toward Cumberbund where the towne’s last hope of reprieve lay in three feet of water, her hull scoured. I can confirm this disaster is real: all that remains of our naval bulwark is a shrunken and shriveled likeness of Fred Flintstone. Apparently the Forthright has been drydocked in an official Flintstone collapsible pool.
A Lot of Hope is Lost: “This is barratry,” the earl cried upon learning of the disaster. Barratry is a crime on the high seas although even Mr. Flintstone might hesitate to claim his pool as “blue water.” As soon as his waders can be located, the earl will engage the enemy with both sword and quill.
Tuffy Tuffington reporting.
Tags: Barratry, Meet the Flinstones, Piracy
Posted in Gripping Melodrama | No Comments »