The Winter Palace: At this rate the United States will have more czars than the Mother of All the Russias. These are extraordinary times, however, and we shouldn’t be afraid to appoint as many czars as it takes to restore the glorious free market to its tarnished pinnacle; even the innocent publishing industry is suffering structural upheaval that no one saw coming despite decades of foreshadowing.
Even Klatu wants a Kindle: Regular readers have known for weeks that Klatu, the space monster, is standing in Wellington Leg’s Centennial Park awaiting orders. ( Ed. Note: He looks nothing like Keanu Reeves. He’s completely bald. He probably is afraid to cry. He fears rust.) Since Klatu has nothing to do during his “waiting period” I thought it would be a good diea to appoint him as Book Czar.
Sending Klatu to New York: Probably a good place for him to stand would be Central Park. There is room in the park near the statue of Balto for a ten foot space monster; the only nagging problem might be pigeons but they can be vaporized by his eyeball laser. Another problem might be publishing executives but after one or two are vaporized the others will be happy to go to the park with their financial plans for Klatu’s review and approval.
Klatu Has a Few Ideas: Since he can read forty or fifty thousand pages a minute Klatu can address the Slush Pile Menace from the jump. Agents are welcome to leave their slush at Klatu’s feet, step back several paces and prepare to receive digitized and personalized rejection letters suitable for email transmission. Here’s an example:
Dear General Peron,
We’ve read your work with interest. While we enjoyed the characterization DON’T CRY FOR ME seems reductive and ultimately silly. Yes, we publish many silly books by celebrities and your platform is enviable but, sadly, and we are sad, we must pass. Remember this is a subjective business and another agent, perhaps a lesser one, might feel differently although we cannot imagine who that person might be.
All Best,
Klatu, the Book Czar.