Wellington Leg: The forty third earl struck an enormous blow this spring training by smacking the longest home run in history, sources claim. The home run traveled more than three thousand feet clearing the HI Mom sign in dead center field with ease. The historic baseball landed in central Wellington Close before bouncing into a bowl of vichyssoise at the toney Hotel Faz Cafe. Diners fled in panic until maitre d Little Ricky announced the soup was on the house.
His Hickory Bat: The earl unveiled an eighty four ounce hickory bat in his first trip to the plate; he swung at the first offering from the Duchess who kicked the dirt in disgust when she heard the crack of the bat. “That was a warmup pitch,” she said. “43 was still in the ondeck circle.”
Monumental Blast: Fresh from winter ball in Newfoundland 43 looked relaxed as he hauled Big Hickory from the equipment bag. With the aid of several onlookers 43 hefted the mighty club briefly resting Big Hickory on his shoulders before collapsing. A small crane provided by the Economic Recovery Act lifted 43 upright just as the Duchess completed her windup. This proved fortuitous as the nine foot bat connected shortly before the earl fell over a second time, no doubt swept away by the sheer momentum he generated.
Mickey Mantle held the previous record with a 660 foot shot. Babe Ruth and Ted Williams went deep over 600 feet but none of those great players ever hit a bowl of soup in a trendy bistro with one their prodigious blows.