Wellington Leg: This year’s Literary Faire will feature addresses from both the major candidates according to Faire Insiders who spoke to this reporter incognito. “There are preconditions, of course, and Wellington Leg, a forgotten backwater, has a long way to go before McCain and Obama visit towne.”
A Civic Action: Prior to McCain’s arrival the entire area will be miniaturized, according to Eddie Palmer, owner of Eddie’s Book Nook. “The Republican candidate is short so we’re shrinking my store, the hardware store and the local high school. We will become Lilliput to his Gulliver.” A team of Intel scientists is working on a chip that will cram more of Wellington Leg into a smaller space so that eventually McCain will appear to be a giant among the tiny citizens.”
As always McCain will freewheel through the crowd with a portable microphone courtesy of the Flying Squad. “We hope that John punches a few drunken hecklers during his Q&A,” said DCI Borchardt. “We want to see his youthful side.”
Inflatable Fans: With Barack Obama scheduled to address the coveted Award Ceremony following an introduction by the Forty Third Earl, or someone pretending to be him, an array of bicycle pumps will be deployed to restore Wellington Leg to regular size. “We are Brobdingnagian,” Eddie said. As a demonstration Eddie pumped Fresh Air into the Historic Rotunda where towne officials often gather for a holographic visit from Rush Limbaugh. “No one is bigger than Rush,” Eddie said. Mr. Limbaugh is believed to be several stories high.
Obama offered this comment: “I understand that a prominent citizen of Wellington Leg has been swallowed by a whale. That’s the kind of thing we just can’t have anymore. That’s old school. We’re better than that.”
Bush Country? Ms. Lydia Careerbreaker, a local business tycoon, plans to heckle both candidates. She owns a terrifying collection of Dick Cheney outtakes as well as a pair of Li’l Dubya Sixshooters. “Don’t bring those guns to Towne,” DCI Borchardt warned. The miniature lawman is currently six inches tall.
T. Rex Love-Handles reporting for Reductio ad Absurdem.