The Piltdown Exchange: Wellington Leg’s famed literary exchange may be haunted according to reliable sources who do not wish to identified. Your reporter donned an elaborate disguise to gain access to the trading floor, the scene of a “quadruple witching” event as literary futures expire. VP of Market Specialists Tuffy Tuffington explained quadruple witching this way: “You have the Wicked Witch of the North and the Wicked Witch of the East meet South and West on the fifty yard line for the coin toss. The last time this happened instead of calling heads or tails they turned the referee into a Fig Newton.”
Careful with that Mouse, Eugene: Shortly before lunch mall security pursued a mouse onto the floor of the exchange. Captain Hook and Major Ladders captured the mouse near the Live Hog Pit but released it because it claimed to be Mighty Mouse. “He was wearing a cape,” said Hook and Ladders agreed. But then General Deschutes informed Ladders that all the mice in the building wore capes. Deschutes and Ladders resumed the chase. A quantity of Gruyere cheese was deployed to lure Mighty Mouse into the open. With crude oil rising Hook and Ladders ate the cheese before Deschutes and Ladders could spring the trap.
Quadruple Witching a Myth? Even before the mouse incident traders were nervous. Buying Interest faded after a person wearing a black hat rode a broom past the Podium. Floor specialist Zander Zeitgeist had unwrapped his baloney sandwich when a Fig Newton spoke to him. “He claimed to be a Zebra. He told me to call it in the air.”
Deschutes and Ladders took Zeitgeist into custody. “There’s no brown bagging on the floor of the Piltdown Exchange,” said Ladders who, remembering the Gruyere he’d eaten earlier, arrested himself.
A Steady Hand: General Deschutes gave the All Clear near the Rutabaga Pit. “Sometimes a Fig Newton is just a cookie,” he said.
Tuffy Tuffington Jr. reporting for the Wellington Literary Futures.