Wellington Leg: What do baseball and Wall Street have in common with literature? Cub reporter Tuffy Tuffington is going to answer that question in a series aptly titled: Nibbling Has Got to Stop!
The editorial board of the Druidical & Literary would like to thank Bernie’s Haus of Sox for sponsoring the series; remember at Bernie’s Haus of Sox you can spell words any way you want. Here then the Tuffington Post. Well, before we start let me just say that the Tuffington Post is no way a satirical look at the Huffington Post. Huffpo is much larger than Tuffpo with an incredible audience in the United States and abroad. Tuffpo is read by a handful of Brazilian oil service workers and a Chinese admiral. No one invites Tuffy to the Larry King show. No one thinks about offshore drilling or the Chinese Navy probably because the global economy is disintegrating. That’s our niche and we’re proud to fill it.
Tuffy got the idea for his series after a dream about Newt Gingrich in which Newt, dressed as Santa, urged Tuffy to stop nibbling around the edges and cut loose a few fastballs.
Thus with Newt as pitching coach and Santa Tuffy took the idea outside near his modest apartment complex just off Pink Panda Place. After chalking out a strike zone on a handy brick wall, Tuffy spent a largely fruitless hour designing a pitcher’s mound out of discarded newspapers and their employees. Once he was set Tuffy encountered an actual Santa on his way home from work. Mistaking the passerby for Newt Tuffy called a greeting only to be pummeled by the man and suffering a bruised rib.
A mighty wind blew the pitcher’s mound away while health care reformers studied Tuffy’s damaged rib suggesting he might find better care in France or Malaysia. This seemed daunting so Tuffy went back inside rebooted and found this phrase typed on his computer: Incessant Nibbling to be Outlawed.
Beginning to suspect that a blitz attack by Santa was no coincidence Tuffy began exploring the hidden costs of incessant nibbling by observing the ebb and flow at a nearby Dunkin Donuts. Thus inspired Tuffy went back into the field ever vigilant for angry men in red, and filed this report:
Next week we’ll have Tuffy’s actual report unless a certain someone hits the delete key again.
Your faithfully,
The Staff.