Wellington Leg: After decades of trial and error The Absurdity Volatility Index or AVI has been launched by Wellington Research Laboratories. The index which is rendered by using a toilet plunger and an outboard motor opened at a reading of 345. Scientists and casual observers note that a reading of 90, last recorded during the Dark Ages, was thought to represent Peak Absurdity Theory, ie the notion that things cannot be more absurd than a reading of 90 without damaging the solar system.
Reductio ad Absurdem: No one is more familiar with absurdity than the Forty Third Earl. His theory DUCKS IN A ROW revealed the difficulty of duck wrangling compounded by a presidential election campaign. In a series of experiments he exposed the ducks to attack ads especially ads involving late night phone calls. Many ducks have opted out of phone service while others have no idea what time it is. As a demonstration the earl dialed duck leaders at three am and again at four in the afternoon. The ducks did not answer either call!
Volatility a Problem: The earl then rushed headlong into a pond creating an “invasion scenario” disrupting communications between duck leaders and ordinary ducks. The All Ordinary Index a component of the AVI fluctuated until the water was over his head. Once submerged the earl became flora as far as ordinary ducks were concerned and volatility waned.
He is Rescued by a Small Craft: Once plucked from the murky depths the earl resumed his attempts to measure absurdity this time analyzing the behavior of fish. “They swim back and forth,” he noted. “Why?”
In an unsettling note the AVI rose to 435 after it became clear that ducks resent bumper stickers. For example a BUSH-CHENEY 04 sticker rolled off the duck’s back. Others used their bills to peck away at the soggy remains. Plans to install bumper stickers on other fowl are currently in abeyance.
T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.